


Vivere militare est (Reader x Avengers)

by Fengniao



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2018-12-05 23:17:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 27
Words: 53,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11588196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fengniao/pseuds/Fengniao
Summary: My name is (Y/N) (L/N). I´m HYDRA – born and raised, currently working as Avenger´s housemaid. No, it´s not that after the whole fiasco with the project Insight my organization is no longer able to pay my wage. It´s because I like that old saying – Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. And I also have some debts to settle. A/N Eventually, there will probably be some Reader x Bucky ;).





	1. Chapter 1

Avengers compound was an incredibly quiet place. I think that everybody imagines this place is buzzing with action, hosting some epic fist fights between good and evil on the daily basis. The truth couldn´t be further from this idea. The facility was surely amazing – big, luxurious, well-armed, someone could call it opulent… It was a little bit like a baroque cathedral, at least this parable always sound right in my head. Its purpose was to amaze you, to take the breath out of your lungs and bow down to the mighty Avengers and the greatness of none else than Tony Stark himself. Saviors of a human race. A scoff escaped my lips as I walked through the space that was reserved for living quarters.  _Alright, I might be a little bit biased_. I am HYDRA after all – born and raised, so you can´t hold it against me that I wasn´t exactly the president of the Avenger´s fan club. Why would they let me in? Well, they still didn´t know that I was something more than a cleaning lady – and that was just fine, for now at least. After the disaster with the failed overtook of project Insight and everything that happened afterwards, HYDRA´s ass was being kicked pretty hard. During the last two years, I lost my father, my friends, my colleagues… all of that – courtesy of the Avengers.

                Of course, there still was that saying …  _“Cut one head, two more will take its place…”_  But our heads were falling faster than new ones could grow. My mission here was clear and simple: I have to deal with this spandex and iron wearing group of fools. That brings us to the point why I was cleaning Hulk´s toilet instead of laughing insanely somewhere in my super-villain cave. Our resources were drained, we were greatly understaffed. We have to play this smart, map the terrain, gather as much intel as possible and strike, not with the force but with all the sneakiness we can manage. My exact mission was to infiltrate and gather the information. I don´t mean to brag, but this was pretty much job for me. Father was one of the HYDRA´s leading scientist and my mom was an agent. They thoroughly planned and arranged my fake identity since my birth, so that´s why I was able to pass through Avenger´s background check without any real problem. My new job offered more than one advantage. I could roam freely around the compound, I had access almost everywhere and I was practically invisible. Sometimes I met someone from the team, but they mostly ignored me, not even sparing a second glance to some intern who was loading off their dishwasher. The only thing that pissed me off was Stark´s AI that was watching my every move.  _1984 my ass_. But still, I was getting great results just from sweeping the dust off Tony´s desk and generally being in their close proximity.

                With these thoughts, my steps wandered into Captain America´s room. It was arranged a little bit old-fashioned-ish, but… given his age, that´s not that surprising, right? At least he got a TV... there was no one home right now so I just grabbed the remote controller and switched it on, channelling some program playing music. Hey, who said that HYDRA does not like to “Shake it off” sometimes. My body worked with the music, dusting, vacuuming, changing the bed sheets, etc. The advantage of having the super-soldier serum? I didn´t even break a sweat. I forget to mention? Yes, I was a proud recipient of the “new and all so better” super-soldier serum that was running through the Captain´s veins as well. My father cracked the formula in the early 90´s and he made me his first successful patient before reaching the age of six. I never held any grudge against my parents for this. They even tried to explain it to the five-year-old me… They both knew how dangerous the world is and this was a chance how to, at least, give their child a little bit of the much-needed protection. The world isn´t black and white and many people fail to notice that. Everyone sees HYDRA as the EVIL and nothing more… that´s not entirely the truth. I grew up with these people and yes, they did horrible things, but sometimes it is necessary for the greater good. SHIELD was compromised by HYDRA for many, many years and they worked quite well together. Our objectives were never that far apart, but for some reason, it was okay for Fury to make some mistakes, but not for HYDRA.

                As I was half-dancing, half-cleaning a loud  _“Ehmm…”_  suddenly sounded from my back. I whipped my head back only to see Captain America standing in the doorframe with a slightly amused look.

_“Mr. Rogers? Apologies, I didn´t know that anyone is home. Your room is almost finished so I can leave immediately.”_  I said apologetically.

 

_“No, it´s fine. I can wait till you finish, miss….?”_ He clearly hadn´t any clue about my name… or my fake name.

 

_“It´s (A/N), sir. I will be done in about five minutes, tops.”_ Oh, how my fist itched from wanting to punch him in his perfect American smile.

 

_“Can I sit there?”_ He pointed to the chair next to the desk.

 

_“Yes, it´s your room, sir.”_  I was puzzled why would he even ask.

 

_“You are quite new here, right? How do you like it so far?”_ Blonde clearly was in a mood for a chat.

 

_“Well. This is my part-time job to help me finance my studies, but it´s not that bad. You, sir, on the other hand, have the job most of the boys would kill for. Saving planet Earth, being pals with other super-heroes and so on.”_  I turned my back to him, polishing the frames he had on his drawer.

 

One of the photos was him with THE Winter soldier. By the look of it, it was taken during the war. James Buchanan Barnes. Although my father only worked with him indirectly and never was present during his “wiping” sessions, according to my sources he was the one who gunned down my father. He probably didn´t even know who my father was, his brain was put into the blender for so many times, that I was surprised it was still functioning. Cap´s best friend was on top of my “to kill” list, but for now, the only thing that I was able to do was to put his shirts in the washing machine on the wrong temperature to ruin them. Yeah, I can probably do that today… Originally, I hoped that Iron man would kill him after he found out the truth about Barnes murdering his parents. But to my great dismay, they somehow patched things up. Of course, I never saw them having brunch together or spending their free time at the same spa. They, nevertheless, managed to work together and Barnes was now living in this compound with the rest of the Avengers. As I was thinking about them and about the ways how I can hurt the Winter soldier, I didn´t listen to the Cap´s answer at all.

 

_“What was that? Sorry, I probably spaced out.”_  My voice murmured while I turned to face him again.

 

_“I just said that I hope we are not very messy. You sure are busy with the part-time job and the studies…”_  He was still smiling.

 

_“Don´t worry, sir. I can handle it. It´s just a temporary job anyway.”_ For the first time, I smiled back at him. Slowly, I gathered all of my stuff and with a  _“good day, sir”_  left his room.

I went straight to my room – which was so generously provided by my employer. It wasn´t as spacious and as luxurious as the Avenger´s apartments. It was just a simple room with a bathroom. The kitchen was shared by the whole floor. The latter didn´t bother me at all. During my training as HYDRA´s agent, no one ever taught me how to cook. If Avenger´s ever found out about my true identity, it would be because of an extensive pizza order delivered daily to their headquarters…  

 

* * *

A/N

 

Hello, beautiful!

I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this story – if you like it, leave a <3 or comment down below;) It will be greatly appreciated to have some feedback.

Also, I want to talk about the whole Reader-insert type of fanfiction. The story will be written in the first-person narrative. BUT I will omit the name, appearance, favorite type of clothes, etc. The reason is that although I enjoy both stories that are written as reader-insert and stories written with the original character I sometimes feel that we read these fanfictions to somehow relate to the main characters and when the character´s looks are described as a complete opposite to yours it´s sometimes more difficult, for me at least, to relate to that.


	2. Winter creep

 

 

 

I tossed my body to the other side, but the discomfort only grew bigger. With a sigh, my body moved to sit up on the bed. My hunger was getting worse and worse every passing second.  _Fuck…_  The alarm on my nightstand showed 2:23 AM. Another unsatisfied noise passed my lips. Well, it cannot be helped, I have to go hunting for something to eat. As soon as I stepped out of my room a familiar AI voice broke the silence of the darkened hall.

 

_“Miss (A/L), may I be of assistance? Is anything wrong?”_

 

_“No, thank you Friday. I´m just hungry… I will get something from the fridge and after that return to my room.”_

I don´t know why I was so polite towards the non-human entity that was ruling over this compound and watching my every step. Maybe because she was the only one who talked to me in the past few weeks. Other staff members were not very friendly towards me. It might have something to do with the fact that I repeatedly eaten their food during my nighttime snacks.

 

_“As I checked the content of the fridge, it seems that nothing there is labelled as Your possession. My suggestion is not to eat any of the food that was not purchased by You.”_  See? Even Friday knew about it.

 

_“Well, I can´t go to the mall now. It´s the middle of the night. Come on, Friday. Help me out, please.”_  The situation was absurd – I was talking to a computer in this unholy hour, persuading it to assist me during this big-snack-theft.

 

_“Might I suggest the fridge in the main living area? According to my system, it´s fully supplied.”_ The voice from the ceiling said.

 

_“Friday? Let me get this straight. You are suggesting that I sneak into the Avenger´s kitchen? What if I get caught? This spells trouble.”_ As I finished the sentence my stomach made a loud grunting noise. God, I was hungry…damn serum.

 

_“I think Mr. Stark would be happier if his employee rather steals some food than die of hunger. I checked the quarters and it seems that only Mr. Rogers, Mr. Barnes and Mr. Banner are in the building and all of them are currently in their rooms. Also, I hereby grant you a permission for this action.”_ Friday clearly turned into the devil on my right shoulder.

 

My mind already decided. I will go there – quick mission, grab some snack and back to my room. Also, I can check how the compound looks during the night, it might be handy some days and now I got a permission to do that. If someone stops me, Friday will only testify this. The whole time I was here, I made my behaviour as quirky, loud, sometimes clumsy as possible. No one would suspect HYDRA´s super soldier plundering their fridge in the middle of the night. With this resolution in mind, I continued my journey.

                Avenger´s kitchen was huge and completely shrouded in darkness. I cleaned that space many times so it wasn´t that difficult for me to manoeuvre around the furniture. My end-goal, the holy grail was now in my reach. I opened the gigantic fridge, the pale light almost blinding me and cold air, making my skin plagued by sudden goosebumps. But something was off. My inner alert told me that I wasn´t alone anymore. Whoever was watching me was really good at stealth, that ruled Banner out immediately. It also doesn´t seem plausible that -ever-so-gentleman- Rogers would creep on me like that. That leaves us with the only possible choice. Winter stalker. I mean. Winter Soldier. In front of my eyes was a glass bottle of tomato juice, I tried to check the room in the reflection, but since the room was dark I didn´t get any valuable information. So instead of staring at it more, I grabbed the bottle and the baguette that was lying next to it. As naturally as I could I spun my body around and closed the fridge with my elbow.

 

_“Who the hell are you?”_  The cold voice cut through the air and shadowy figure stepped out from the doorframe.

 

There was only one way how to play this right. A normal person would never know that the Winter Soldier was lurking in the shadows behind his back. So, I mustered every acting skill that I had and faked a loud, scared gasp. Also, the glass bottle of juice fell from my hand intentionally, just for an extra effect. Since I wasn´t aiming the glass shattered right next to my foot, one of the shards cut me slightly. Now I was standing in the pool of the Bloody Mary, great...Where is my nomination for an Oscar?

 

_“Mr. Barnes? I´m one of the staff members. I just woke up hungry and Friday gave me a permission to take something from here.”_ I said meekly.

 

_“Friday?”_  Winter soldier asked.

 

_“I can confirm this, Mr. Barnes.”_  The voice of the AI sounded from the speakers hidden in the wall.

 

I bend down to start cleaning out the shards with my hands.

 

_“I´m so sorry about this. You just really scared me, sir.”_ I was lying through my teeth.  _“Friday told me, that everyone´s asleep. It was never my intention to wake you up.”_

 

_“You are not the one to blame. I couldn´t sleep anyway. The fault is mine.”_ His voice suddenly sounded much more relaxed.

He came to my side and squat next to me, helping me clean out the mess. Suddenly, his gaze fell on my foot.

 

_“You are injured. Step out, I can finish this.”_ He gestured me to step aside.

 

_“It´s just a scratch, don´t worry about it.”_  My refusal came immediately.

 

_“I insist.”_  The bastard was persistent.

 

Without a word, I stepped aside to the sink. Close proximity to water meant that I had means to finally wash my feet and the small cut. My gaze fell back on the crouching super-soldier, which was now wiping the floor with paper towels. He was holding the towel in his right hand so I could only assume that his dominant hand was the right one. This was a perfect opportunity to assess him, luck was on my side today. As I was making some mental notes about his posture he stood up.

 

_“We should have some band-aids somewhere here.”_ With that, he rustled through the shelves. After a few seconds, he extended his left metal arm, handing me a band-aid. So, even the fine motor skills were possible with this prosthesis - noted.

 

_“Thank you.”_ I slapped it on my foot.  _“Once again, I´m so sorry about disturbing you. I will go now.”_

 

I was about to leave when his voice stopped me.

 

_“It´s alright. I wasn´t sleeping anyway. You can eat here.”_ He pulled one of the bar chairs and sat on the next one. He even handed me the baguette I stole from the fridge earlier.

 

Does he really want to talk to me? Wow. He clearly needs a shrink, not some stranger he just met. But was it wise to refuse? I had no intentions of becoming all cosy with my father´s killer, although this was a perfect opportunity to evaluate him a little bit. Then another thought crossed my mind. How wonderful it would be if I become his confidante, his friend even and then, when the time is right, I would whisper in his ear  _“Hail Hydra.”_ , just moments before killing him. It´s maybe a little bit cliché and over the top... but since the opportunity presented itself...

 

I smiled at this idea, he was probably thinking that I smiled on his offer to join him and I didn´t disprove it. As soon as I sat next to him it finally struck me. Assassin probably had a nightmare and was unable to sleep. Poor thing clearly had no one to talk to. It would explain why he was wearing just his tracksuit and his hair was slightly wet from the sweat. My eyes again fell on his arm, surprisingly, it wasn´t the metal that sparked my interest, but the countless scars that were all around the place where his metal arm met the flesh of his shoulder.

_“Does it still hurt?”_ I pointed on the scarred tissue.

 

_“Just during the maintenance.”_ He said, looking down on his arm.

 

_“I´m so sorry, that wasn´t very considerate of me to ask you that sort of a question.”_ Extensive damage to that area might inflict pain – noted.

 

_“It´s alright. We are two strangers, you don´t know me… and it´s refreshing to be around someone who isn´t on their tiptoes while speaking to me.”_ He chuckled.

 

_“Is it heavy? Can I touch it?”_  I pressed my luck.

 

Instead of an answer, he extended his arm towards me.  With only one finger, I gently touched his forearm. Vibranium… well fuck. One good hit from this could mean a really big problem – noted.

 

_“Well, at least it looks really badass.”_ My lips moved to a smirk.

 

_“Yeah, it has some advantages.”_ He stood up and went to the fridge where he took a beer and opened it with his metal fingers.

 

_“You must be popular at the parties.”_

 

_“I wasn´t on a proper party since 1942.”_  He laughed and then continued to tell me some sappy story about him and Steve Rogers chasing girls almost 70 years ago.

 

_“It seems like you and Mr. Rogers are really close. Does he know that you can´t sleep?”_ My interrogation continued.

 

_“Steve? No. He would try to be so helpful and it would only make the situation worse.”_

 

_“Since you can´t sleep and you miss your parties how about I take you to one if you are free later this week.”_ I suggested and prayed he would fall for it. That way I can separate him from the rest of the group and befriend him quicker.

 

_“Sounds like fun, I´m in.”_ He agreed on the little bit too quickly. He must be desperate to escape this compound.

 

_“Alright. It´s a deal. I´m off to bed now, otherwise, I won´t be able to work tomorrow. Thanks for the chat. Good night.”_  I smiled at him sweetly, before grabbing the baguette and turning around. My smile was gone faster than certain first lady’s.[1]

 

* * *

[1] https://media.tenor.com/images/d908592dcd1355c3f6e089dcf029c5ed/tenor.gif


	3. Shall we dance?

Where would you take almost one-hundred-year old ex-HYDRA super-soldier who probably killed your father? Grave? _Yeah_. My thinking exactly. But I need to be more patient, although Barnes is my personal priority I must not forget about the mission.

               

That brings me to my current dilemma. I already checked what was happening in the city tonight and the best option was, according to me, electro-swing concert in some small club I never heard of. It might be a little bit nostalgic for Barnes, so the possibility of him babbling about something that hold some value to me was even higher. The real problem is the evening itself. My training was very different from the standard “Black-widow program”. Since my strength could not be rivaled by any normal man, HYDRA deemed unnecessary for me to learn how to flirt my way out of anything, when I was able to punch out of it anyways. Instead of ballet classes they just taught me more ways how to fight, kill and survive.  My friends and family were all HYDRA, so my usual conversational topics weren´t probably suited for this too… What was this feeling that crept all over my body? Could it be anxiety? Nervousness? … I cleaned my sweaty palms on the hem of the dress I carefully chose earlier this day.

 

_“Friday? Can you please inform Mr. Barnes, that I´m waiting?”_

 

Moment of silence filled the hall in front of the entrance to the Avenger´s quarters.

 

_“Miss (A/L)? You are waiting for Bucky?”_ Surprised voice sounded behind my back.

 

_“Mr. Rogers. Actually… yes, I promised Mr. Barnes to take him out to the city.”_ My body shifted to face Captain America himself.

 

_“I´m so sorry, I must object to this plan. You see… Bucky is not yet fully recovered. It would be reckless to let him roam the streets, it might be even dangerous for everyone.”_ He said apologetically.

 

_“With all due respect, Captain, you are overly protective of your friend.”_ I wasn´t ready to abort the mission just yet.

 

Before our bickering could continue, the door opened only to reveal the Winter soldier.

 

_“Buck! You can´t be serious about this. You are not ready to go out. This whole thing, including not telling me about it, is extremely irresponsible of you.”_ Steve didn´t even give Barnes enough time to comprehend the situation.

 

_“Not now, Steve!”_ Winter soldier said with slightly irritated voice. _“Can we go?”_ He turned to me and grabbed my hand.

 

Before I could jerk it out of his grip and kill him on the spot the loud noise of the alarm filled our ears.

 

_“Miss, you have to …”_ Whatever Rogers wanted to tell me was interrupted by ominous voice sounding from the hall we were standing in.

 

_“Well, well, well… what do we have here?”_ Tall man in black suit rounded the corner to face us.

 

_“Identify yourself, sir.”_ Rogers commanded.

 

Barnes only tightened the grip on my hand and pushed me a little bit behind his back. I was so consumed with the strategies that started to form in my head to even care about his chivalrous gesture. What should I do if the man attacks? Defend myself and possibly risking blowing up my cover? Let Barnes and Rogers handle the situation? The man before us probably wasn´t an ordinary human too. No one would be that crazy to face two super-soldiers (three with me), apparently unarmed. Before I could think about the man any further he spoke again.

 

_“You know this situation could be turned into a very bad joke… Captain America, Winter soldier and Hydra´s agent walks into the bar…”_ He laughed a little bit and my blood turned icy cold. How could he know about me?

 

_“So, you are HYDRA. That´s not a big surprise.”_ Cap said, apparently oblivious that hinted agent of Hydra is, in fact, me.

 

_“Oh, no my dear Mr. Rogers, you misunderstood me. I was referring to that young lady.”_ With that he pointed his finger at me. Suddenly, both Captain and Soldier stared at me.

 

_“That´s ridiculous, sir. I´m supposed to be what agent?”_ I said, hoping to still salvage myself.

 

_“To be honest, it might be for the best to have you all here as it is. Avengers, S.H.I.E.L.D., HYDRA … it doesn´t matter to whom you did pledge your loyalty to, it´s time to get rid of these labels and join me. Past few years showed that any of this organizations is not able to face the threats that are pointing towards Earth, thus is not worthy to be given such extensive power over the whole planet and it´s defense AND offense.”_ He didn´t respond to my answer and just continued with his monologue, fortunately that also shifted both super-soldiers focus back on that mysterious man.

 

_“And why do you think we would give a damn about your request?”_ Bucky asked.

 

_“Maybe I didn´t express myself clearly, Mr. Barnes. This is not a request, it´s a command. I knew that you probably won´t take me seriously, so just around this moment the last 25 places that were saved or otherwise operated by Avengers is being subjected to a terrorist attack. At least that would be probably in the official report. For our little Miss HYDRA, I have this.”_ Without a warning the phone was thrown across the hall. Thanks to my reflexes I managed to catch it without a problem.

 

I didn´t care about my cover anymore, it was damaged beyond repair anyways. As I scrolled through the phone, my eyes widened with surprise. All these coordinates – they were the major HYDRA´s hideouts, laboratories, training centers...

 

_“All of this places are facing a hostile takeover as we speak, my dear miss (Y/L). What I said to these gentlemen, applies for HYDRA too. Join me, or you will be whipped out. And as for you personally, if you can survive this, I will gladly find a suitable position for you among my all-star team, so you won´t have to clean toilets anymore.”_ He continued with a sly smirk.

 

_“How you know...”_ Was the only thing I could get pass my lips.

 

_“Your real name? It´s rather simple, your father has told me. Shortly before I killed him. You see, he refused my proposal and paid for it. Well… although I would love to witness what is going to happen next in here, I´m sadly otherwise occupied. I will come next week to collect your answers. Have a lovely evening.”_ With that he just disappeared.

 

But the fact that the man just vanished into the thin air wasn´t what was weighing my mind in the moment. He killed my father? What was he talking about? How he got all that information?...

 

I was so deep in my thoughts that I almost got hit by a certain metal arm. That snapped me back into the reality rather quickly. Since my affiliation with HYDRA was already exposed, there was no need to hold back. I kicked Barnes right in the chest and the force of the collision ripped my hand out of his grasp. He stumbled backwards a little bit.

 

_“What the hell?”_ He said.

 

_“Look, boys. Clearly, we have a different problem to solve right now. So, how about you let me go and I won´t beat your old asses.”_ I suggested.

 

Instead of an answer, they both launched on me. The hall was empty, no potential weapons in my close proximity. I moved into the corner of the room, that way my back was protected and they couldn´t fully exploit their advantage of having the numbers. They also weren´t ready for my fighting style. Both of them probably expected me to fight like a “girl”. Usually, female agents depend on something else then their brute strength (flexibility, speed, endurance…). But I grew up having the enhanced version of the serum in my veins, strength WAS my biggest advantage. So, even though my movements were limited by my positioning, I was able to deliver some very painful blows that forced both males into the defense.  I tried to focus on their legs and as soon as I considered their injuries severe enough my strategy changed into an escape. My biggest fear was that the rest of the Avengers, guided by Friday, would came to help them. I was probably strong enough to take on two, maybe three Avengers in one moment, but anything more would mean my defeat. Friday also turned out to be a slight pain in the ass, shutting doors before me and initiating the overall lock-down on the compound. Thankfully, modern architecture is obsessed with large glass surfaces and the facility was a VERY modern place. With a deep breath, I jumped through one of the big windows and immediately I headed towards the walls and fences surrounding the property. As I reached the wall I looked back. Maybe 30 meters away from me were both Rogers and Barnes, now joined by Natasha Romanoff and Tony Stark in his Iron man suit.

 

_“This does NOT seem as a fair fight, you know!”_ Best thing to do now was to stall the situation a little bit.

 

During the fight with Captain and Winter soldier I sustained some injuries and my movie-like jump out of the window left rather too many deep cuts on both my hands and legs. I should give my body a few minutes to regenerate a little bit. 

 

_“You can also surrender. That way we won´t have to destroy that lovely dress of yours.”_ Stark shouted back at me.

 

_“Don´t worry, Mr. Stark I will send you a receipt. Also, I only bought them for my evening with Winter soldier and that´s probably not going to happen.”_ Then and idea struck me. _“Or...? How about a dance, soldier?”_  I smirked at him.

 

_“I´m going to kill you with my bare hands!”_ Winter soldier was clearly BEYOND furious.

 

_“Oh, really? I think you will do the exact opposite.”_ I said silently, Avengers probably weren´t able to hear my voice clearly.

 

Without any warning, I started to shout THE words: _“желание,_ _ржaвый, Семнадцать, Рассвет, Печь, Девять, добросердечный, возвращение на родину, Один,_ _грузовой вагон!!!“_

 

As soon as the first syllable left my lips the atmosphere changed. Everyone knew, what these words were and what they meant. Simple ten words, that would give me a complete control over the Winter soldier. It was many, many years since I learned them, but clearly, I still could recall it without any real effort. When the first word hit Barnes´ ears, he paled a little bit and launched towards my position, ready to kill me before I reach the last of the ten trigger words. To be precise, everyone charged at me to silence my voice as soon as they realized what words were coming out of my mouth. But I wasn´t just reciting it, I was screaming it as fast as humanly possible. That way, when I barked the last one, there still was around two meters distance separating us. Everything suddenly stopped, all eyes were now locked on Barnes.

 

_“Солдат? “_ I asked.

 

_“Я готов отвечать.“_ He answered and my heart skipped a beat from joy. There is still hope, that I will get out of this.

 

_“убить их всех.”_ My Russian was a little bit rusty after all these years, so I thoughted of the simplest command possible – _Kill them all_.

 

After that, all hell broke loose. Winter soldier went straight after Rogers and Stark, they both had quite a problem to handle him. That only left Black widow as my opponent. I must confess, I heard the stories about her and she always sounded so badass in them. It made me curious.  

 

_“Your Russian is not that good, you are not from the Red room.”_ She was now slowly walking towards me.

 

_“No, I´m not. Look, I already told Barnes and Rogers. If you let me go, no one else will get hurt tonight.”_ I wasn´t scared to fight her per se, but I was afraid that it might turn into a long battle. And my chance to escape was limited by Barnes´ ability to resist the Iron man and Captain.

 

Avengers clearly just weren´t that fond of making the deals. She rushed to me with an amazing speed and accuracy. I saw her fighting style in some old video tapes. Also during my training, HYDRA made me face off a few girls from Black widow program, so I was generally familiar with their fighting pattern. But this was different. She was far better than any of them. Without a serum, my days would be counted, luckily, that wasn´t the case. I managed to land a perfect knock-out on her. My escape route was now finally clear, my body moved next to the wall and without a second thought I started to climb it. But as it is, one’s luck disappears in the most crucial moment. Suddenly a sharp pain logged into my shoulder, I looked back to see what happened only to spot a hi-tech arrow pointing from my back. _Fuck_ , I completely forgot that that stupid Cupid was in the compound too. Before I could do anything else, my body was seized by an electric shock that was emitting from the arrow. My hands lost the grip I had on the wall before me and I was now falling down to the darkness that spread down below me.

 

* * *

A/N

Soo close to escape, maybe another time ;).

As for the Russian language in this chapter, I´m not from Russia so I can´t promise that it´s absolutely correct, but check the translation down below.

 

_-_ _желание, ржaвый, Семнадцать, Рассвет, Печь, Девять, добросердечный, возвращение на родину, Один, грузовой вагон = longing, rusted, seventeen, daybreak, furnace, nine, benign, homecoming, one, freight car_

_\- Солдат =_ _soldier_

_\- Я готов отвечать =_ _ready_ _to_ _comply_

_\- убить их всех_ _= kill them all_


	4. Unlikely allies

When I opened my eyes, I was blinded by a white light.  _Where the hell am I?_ My head, as well as my spine, hurt awfully. Then, the memories started to flood back… I was shot down from the wall. My body suddenly jerked upwards, in an unsuccessful attempt to sit. At that moment, I found out that my wrists are shackled to the bed I was lying on. Finally, my eyes accustomed to the light that was surrounding me and I could explore the room I was in. It was a well-equipped infirmary, with lots of different machines crammed into the rather small place. When I looked at myself, I was happy to see, that my injuries were all bandaged and I was now wearing a white hospital gown, but at the same time not so happy see the restraints on my limbs and band-aids on both of my forearms, clearly hiding the punctures from a needle. Before I could do anything else, the door to the room opened.

 

 _“Conscious already?”_ Stark said instead of a greeting.

 

 _“Still alive? Well, it seems that we are both bound to be disappointed today.”_  I shot back.

 

 _“See Cap? I told you she would be glad to see me.”_ Tony told someone behind his back.

 

With that he came to my bed, followed by Captain America and a guy I recognized as Bruce Banner aka Hulk.

 

 _“We have some questions for you.”_ Rogers spoke, his voice sounding harsher than usual.

 

 _“If it´s about how I find service around here, I would give it a solid 3 out of 5. You know, because of these…”_ With that, I pulled the chains that linked me to the bed.

 

Tony chuckled a little bit.  _“Wow, HYDRA surely became cheeky. But hold your horse's kiddo, we´ve been contacted by your organization. They kind of let you hang out to dry this time.”_

 

 _“What do you mean by that?”_ I asked.

 

 _“HYDRA reached us shortly after the mysterious man you, Barnes and Steve met, disappeared. His threats weren´t just a talk, he really did everything he said. And since neither us or HYDRA were able to find anything, they proposed we should join forces, temporarily…”_ Banner now took the word.

 

 _“And, they also proposed we can keep you as a … safeguard or a token of their sincerity.”_  Stark continued.

 

 _“Charming. How can I know that you are not lying to me?”_ But I knew that they probably weren´t. The man that we encountered earlier wasn´t just a normal threat.

 

Instead of an answer Captain handed me a tablet. Although the screen was black a familiar voice started talking. It was none other than my direct superior. I carefully listened to him and the instructions he gave me. HYDRA wanted me to stay with Avengers for now to monitor the situation and to act as an emissary to our new allies. I was granted a permission to assist Avengers and to give them the necessary information in order to help resolve this issue as fast as possible. Along the lines, I also picked some safe-words used to indicate if the person was speaking genuinely or under some sort of a duress. As soon as I confirmed that the instructions are clear, the call was cut.

 

 _“Now, back to the questions.”_ Steve said impatiently.

 

 _“We made some tests on your blood and it seems that you have been exposed to the similar serum as Steve here. Can you confirm this?”_  Banner spoke again.

 

I was thinking. They already have my blood, my name … It was pointless to hide something about me now. Also… If I manage to make them ask details about me, they won´t ask questions about HYDRA.

 

_“Yes. That´s true.”_

 

 _“But you are not a part of the Winter soldier program, are you? All of them died in the Siberian facility. And Bucky doesn’t remember you at all.”_ Rogers asked.

 

 _“Also, true. My father was a HYDRA scientist and he worked on that program, mostly focusing on cracking the formula of the serum. He managed just that in the early 90´s and developed a new type a serum shortly after. I was the first recipient of my father´s creation.”_  I answered calmly.

 

 _“How old were you?”_ Banner spoke.

 

 _“Five. After that, I was trained as an assassin or an agent whatever you want to call it.”_  I watched as the males exchanged some surprised looks when I told them the age when I was made into a super-soldier.

 

 _“But HYDRA used you similarly as the rest of the Winter soldiers, am I right?”_  Steve´s voice was now a little bit softer. He probably started to see me as a damsel in distress. Used by HYDRA since childhood, taken advantage of and shaped by a misfortune of my fate.

 

_“You are mistaken, Captain. I was never used. My father and mother were both HYDRA, I was born in the HYDRA´s facility and I grew up there as well. They never forced me to do anything I didn´t want to do and I was never mistreated or experimented on. There is a difference between me and for example, Barnes.”_

I probably crushed Cap´s little dream of having some rehabilitation center for HYDRA´s super-soldiers, where would Barnes and I talk about our feelings and sing some motivational songs to help us with our traumatized past.

 

 _“What difference do you mean?”_ He asked, his voice again stone-cold.

 

_“Barnes was nothing but a weapon for HYDRA. I´m a member. My memory was never wiped, there are no trigger words that would make me into an obedient servant… I know that you all want to think that I´m just another victim of HYDRA, another stray puppy you can rescue, but I don´t consider myself as one and so you shouldn´t do it too.”_

 

 _“Alright, we get it, kiddo, you love to be HYDRA. But I want to know something else. Are there more agents like you? How many people were injected with your father´s serum?”_ Stark picked a question I would ask too, if I was in their shoes.

 

 _“No one else survived as long as I did. There are some… complications to my father´s formula.”_  I answered truthfully.

 

 _“What complications?”_  Banner spoke before anyone else could.

 

 _“That´s not important. Don´t worry, I´m not going to die on you in the next few days. My condition is stable.”_ The problems of my serum weren't something I was ready to discuss, but to my great surprise, they didn´t push the matter any further.

 

 _“I still don´t get one thing, how is it even possible that HYDRA exists after Hive, after Talbot… after all the heads were cut?”_  Cap suddenly broke the silence.

 

 _“I met John Garrett once, he had a nice saying – “HYDRA always comes back”. Of course, the past few years were more than devastating. But the part of the young generation survived and we formed a new HYDRA, a new council was established with new heads to lead the organization. We all know about the mistakes that our predecessors committed and we learned from them greatly. Despite what all of you think, HYDRA doesn´t want to see the Earth destroyed, one cannot rule the ashes. We just have a different way how to handle things. Are you satisfied with my answer, Captain?”_  I just looked him straight into the eyes.

 

 _“Do you feel any guilt about what you did to Bucky?”_  Rogers wasn´t done with me and finally, he was getting to the point why he came to this room.

 

 _“Do you feel any regret that you didn´t just let me go, when I so politely asked?”_ I shot back instead of an answer.

 

For the first time, I saw Captain America lose his cool. He just turned on the heel and burst through the door with a loud  _“Bang”._

 

_“Anyone else wants to talk about Winter soldier´s feelings? No? Good.”_

I just couldn´t help myself. My father always told me, that the original Winter soldier wasn´t a man anymore. He was one of the most famous killing machines, without memories, without emotions … just a pawn anyone can move if they know the code. I got it, Rogers wanted his friend back, but I was more than skeptical about it. No one would be able to recover from such a miserable past. For some reason, Avengers weren´t able to see it.

 

 _“Now, let´s talk about what is going to happen next? Will you keep me shackled…or?”_  I turned to Stark.

 

 _“No. You will be given a room in the living quarters where we can keep an eye on you, otherwise, you are not permitted to leave the compound. Also, you will wear this.”_ With that, he showed me a silver bracelet.

 

 _“Jewellery? I´m flattered.”_ I was quite sure, that it was just a prettier version of the restraints that I was wearing just now.

 

 _“This will keep you from misbehaving. If you try to escape, you will get shocked. If you try to active Winter soldier again, you will get a shock. If you eat my baguette again, well… you know the drill.”_  With that, he came to my side and clasped the metal band around my wrist and after that unbound the shackles.

 

 _“Banner will take you to your room now. It´s already 10 pm, so I would suggest you go to sleep. We will have a briefing tomorrow at 9 am.”_  Afterwards, he left the room too.

 

Finally, I was able to stand up from the bed, my legs were a little bit wobbly, but I managed to follow Banner without any problem. As we reached my new bedroom, he stepped to the side and let me in.

 

 _“I would advise you to avoid Barnes for a time being. He is not very happy to have you here.”_ He said before I closed the door.

 

The room I was given was quite nice, with big bed, TV, large bathroom…I decided to take a shower first and after that crawled up to the bed. As a Hydra agent, you never have much of a free time, so I was quite excited to just watch some TV. Of course, I didn´t make it even to the first half of the movie before I fell asleep.

 

Unfortunately, my night wasn´t that peaceful after all. It´s not that I was having a nightmare, I woke up to one. My neck was being squeezed by a cold metal arm, crushing my windpipe and pushing my neck down the pillows. The TV was still on, so I was able to immediately recognize Winter soldier towering over me, the lights from the TV were forming strange shadows on his face, only making him look even more menacing than he already was. This sudden attack caught me by surprise completely. I tried to kick him and to lift his fingers from my neck, but his ironclad grip didn´t move at all. With every passing second my struggle became more and more desperate. I stared into his cold eyes as he was forcing the life out of my body. When I no longer hoped to see another day the door to my room suddenly flew open and Steve Rogers jumped on the Winter soldier, ripping him off me.

 

 _“Buck! Stop it, right now!”_ He yelled at him in the process.

 

As soon as he managed to pull Barnes off me, I took a deep breath, followed by an uncontrolled coughing. I forced myself to the sitting position as my hands gripped the edge of the bed for a support. I was deeply shaken, in my whole life, I never felt this weak and helpless. Both males were now standing in the corner of my room, panting heavily.

 

 _“What got into you! I told you she can´t be hurt, we send Wanda as an emissary to HYDRA! What do you think they would do to her if we kill one of their own?”_ Captain was scolding Barnes as a small kid.

 

 _“She is HYDRA, Steve. We must eliminate her before she can hurt anyone else.”_  Winter soldier wasn´t giving up.

 

 _“Captain? I think, you should leave now.”_  I managed to speak through my sore neck.

 

 _“I don´t think that´s a good idea.”_  Not surprisingly, Rogers objected.

 

_“I´m now fully awake. He won´t be able to catch me off guard again. And clearly, there are some issues that need to be addressed. And these issues do not concern you personally, Captain.”_

 

As I watched Rogers struggling with the decision, Barnes didn´t wait for his answer, he just shoves him out of the door and locks it behind him. The silence grew between us.

 

 _“I get it, you want me dead. If you are serious about setting the score between us, I think your opportunity will arise in the near future. This truce is just a temporary thing. In the meantime, I would appreciate if you could just avoid me.”_ I hoped that he would be able to see my point of view.

 

There was a moment of silence, he just leaned against the wall and watched me.

 

 _“Who taught you the words?”_  He asked after a while.

 

 _“No one… When I was around 9 years old, my mother was sent to one of the Russian facilities. KGB...HYDRA... It was all the same. She took me with her to train there. I remember that she was always gone on some missions and to be honest, no one there was very keen on babysitting me, so I just wandered around the place, playing hide and seek with the guards. One evening I was woken up by a screaming, at first I thought that we were being ambushed, but soon enough it hit me – it has been just one voice. My nosy childhood-self went to investigate and soon after I found the source, it was coming from one of the laboratories, so I crawled into an AC shaft and I hid there. They probably just brought you from a mission and you started remembering something, so they decided to wipe your memory. Back then, I felt sorry for you, it looked very painful. After the procedure, one of the doctors used the words to force you into the obedient state again.”_ The whole incident still burnt into my memory.

 

 _“They let you roam freely?”_  Winter soldier seemed a little bit skeptical.

 

_“Usually? Yes. After the training sessions, I was pretty much free to do whatever I wanted, no one really paid any attention to some kid anyway. But that played to my advantage… I used to hide and eavesdrop on many, many important conversations. All these secrets and information came handy in my adulthood. Look, if you are expecting an apology, you are at the wrong address. I did what I did to turn the situation in my favor. Originally, you were on my hit list, because HYDRA got a wrong info about my father´s killer. Now, my priorities have changed and I´m willing to cooperate with the Avengers. After we are done, we will be enemies again and you can come to act upon your vengeance. But, I promise you this, I will be ready next time.”_

 

_“Good. Next time Steve won´t be there to save you.”_

* * *

A/N

It doesn´t seem right to me if the relationships became friendly instantly. But hopefully, we will see some progress in the next chapters;).  I´m willing to invest some time to develop the relations and make them a little bit more realistic.


	5. Bad day

 

For the rest of the night, I felt a little bit uneasy. Shower in the morning calmed my nerves, but the bruises on my neck reminded me, that I wasn´t here for a vacation. Although there was this so-called truce, I can´t just let my guards down. All the people in this house are still my enemies. As I was scolding myself, I almost forgot about the meeting Stark told me about yesterday.  _Shit._

                Clearly, Avengers weren´t just super-heroes, they were also super-punctual. I was the last one to barged through the door, followed by many not-so-impressed looks. It was like the first day of the new school. No one wanted to talk to me or even sit next to me… Only interaction was them glaring at me suspiciously. After what was like five minutes (and felt like five years), Stark finally stopped playing with his phone and stood up.

 

_“We are here to discuss what to do about that mysterious man that apparently holds all the cards right now. The only thing we got on him is the video from the security cameras.”_

He paused his monolog to show us the video footage of the man, speaking with me, Rogers and Barnes.

 

 _“For some reason, even though we ran his face through every facial recognition system in this world, we came up with nothing. He apparently doesn´t exist. Our new “friends”_  …” Stark subtly nodded in my direction. “ _…couldn´t get anything on him either. Any ideas?”_

 

 _“As it seems, currently there is no chance how to find out who our enemy is. We have another six days to try to look up something on him, but I think the only reasonable thing to do is to be prepared for anything.”_  Black widow said.

 

 _“With all due respect, Miss Romanoff… You can´t be prepared for what is coming. That man knew EVERYTHING about HYDRA´s most secure information. He managed to get around all of the Stark´s technology and after that just vanished into a thin air. Resources, that he apparently has at his disposal, aren´t joke either. The only thing we would be preparing ourselves without getting any info on him would be a defeat. Defense is a good strategy, but it´s not enough.”_  I added my piece of mind to the discussion.

 

 _“That´s all very pretty, but have you come up with something other than some useless words?”_  Barnes fired in my direction.

 

A small frown was now plastered across my face.  _“Can you play the footage a few times more?”_

 

 _“What do you think you will find there? His name plate?”_ Winter soldier was apparently dead set on making my morning as much of a hell he could.

 

Stark played the video to stop our little argument. Now, I was determined to discover something on that short footage. My focus was so great that steam almost ran off my ears as I was analyzing every detail of the encounter.

 

 _“Stop it.”_ I suddenly commanded.

 

The paused moment displayed the man as he was throwing me his phone.

 

 _“What are we looking at?”_ Banner asked, completely confused.

 

 _“His hand.”_  I pointed to the hand flinging the piece of the electronic.

 

 _“Oh, I get it now. His manicure is absolutely immaculate. We just have to find his nail-lady.”_  Barton exclaimed with the hint of laughter in his voice.

 

 _“Maybe you should call yours…”_ I said, cutting his amused face almost immediately.  _“No, focus on his wrist. His sleeve moved a little bit higher when he was throwing the phone. And you can see a watch peeking from the fabric.”_

 

 _“Your point is?”_  Rogers still didn´t get it.

 

 _“He is wearing luxurious shoes and that suit probably costs many times more than the Captain´s monthly pension. Is it possible to get this watch matched with some internet database even though we have only a half of their image? If we can find the model, I would bet my money it is not going to be just some random accessory, but a high-end piece which many people cannot afford.”_  Now all of my hopes were on that observation.

 

 _“FRIDAY? Can you please do that and immediately inform us of the results. Thank you.”_ Stark tasked the AI.

 

Maybe twenty minutes passed, all the Avengers were now chatting among each other, while I was thinking about the fact that I didn´t get a chance to grab a breakfast before this meeting. Suddenly, the familiar voice of Stark´s AI interrupted the chatter.

 

_“Apparently, Mr. Stark these are limited edition watch, only fifteen of them ever made. I´m sending the detailed information on the screen now.”_

 

FRIDAY really outdid herself. Besides all the specifications of the model, she also managed to list all of the buyers with their current photo. Unfortunately for us, none of them was our Mr. Mystery.

 

 _“Now we just have to find out, who doesn´t have the watch anymore… And maybe that man provides us some answers.”_ Banner said.

 

 _“Good job_ _HYDRA._ _”_  Stark added.

 

A small grin was now playing on my lips. I turned to Barnes and gestured: Me-You; 1:0.

 

 _“I just have one question. As we watched the tape, it was hard to miss. That man told you that he killed your father after he refused his offer. Do you have any idea what was the proposal he talked about?”_ Natasha was now looking at me.

 

 _“My father spent his life on the study of the serum. After the Winter soldier program was shut down, he destroyed everything he ever worked on. Maybe that man was interested in bringing him in for a similar project? But without my father, it seems improbable that he would still pursue that sort of research.”_  I replied.

 

 _“So, our best lead is still the watch. Alright, Banner and I will go to the laboratories and try to crack the mystery of his disappearing trick. Natasha, Steve, Vision and Clint should go and check the buyers.”_  Tony started handing out the tasks.

 

 _“What about me?”_  Barnes and I said at the same moment.

 

 _“HYDRA will stay here, we don´t need your assistance on this. As for you Barnes, after the incident with the trigger-words, it´s not safe for you to go out on the missions. We will have to find someone who can help you with that first.”_ Stark continued.

 

Without a second of hesitation, we both started to complain.

 

 _“Why is everybody always so pissed off about staying here? For god sakes, it´s better than a five-star hotel, so drop it both of you. And also, no fighting in the house! Don´t make me lock you up in your rooms like a pair of a misbehaved brats.”_  He finished with a stern look on his face, letting us know, that there is no changing in his decision.

 

After that, all the Avengers started to leave the room. Of course, I was still angry about my “house arrest”. But instead of sulking, my plan was to hit the gym and take out my anger on the punching bag. I wasn´t able to do my daily routine for quite some time and it wouldn´t be very beneficial for me to get out of shape. First cardio, a little bit of boxing and after that intense muscle workout. Two hours were enough to completely wore me down so I proceeded to the showers. There I realized that my stomach began to rumble. Then an idea crossed my mind. I never got time to try and learn how to cook, this was a perfect opportunity. In my mind, all the delicious food I´m going to prepare started to materialize. How hard can it be? With this determination, I threw some clean clothes on me and headed to the kitchen. It was quite easy to find a food recipe on the internet, so my hands confidently started to prepare the meal. The last step was to put it in the oven for 45 minutes. Perfect. I will go and take a nap and after that my delicious lunch will be served. Can this day be more like a vacation? Or at least, I always imagined that this is how day-off looks like.  Critical error in my plan occurred when my ignorant head decided not to pay the attention to the beeping of the alarm when the time came to take the pan out of the oven. Two hours later I sat up on the sofa on which my tired body was dozing off.  _Fuck, fuck, fuck…_  Even my sprint to the kitchen couldn´t save the situation now. Black smoke was leaking out of the oven a little bit, when I opened it, the circumstances only grew worse. I was covered in the black smoke and the smell of a burned meal. No, no, no, no… With a piece of the dishcloth, I reached inside the oven to take the pan out. Because of the smoke, my vision was fairly limited, so it wasn´t that surprising that my grip on the hot pan was completely wrong. I only managed to pull it out and after that a burning pain seized my fingers which led to me, dropping it immediately. The Loud clangorous sound filled the whole facility accompanied by some very un-ladylike words. My first instinct was to run to the sink and put my burned fingers under the stream of calm water. The last thing that could make the whole scene even more humiliating suddenly emerged from around the corner. My body tensed as I locked eyes with him. Winter soldier stopped across the room, taking in the situation. Black smoke, something that didn´t even looked like a food, but more like a coal scattered all around the floor and me with my red hand stuck under the water. Yes… and don´t forget the smell, it was like I burned the whole fucking city. I was a modern version of Emperor Nero. There was a complete silence for a few seconds, then a laughter erupted from Barnes, his whole body was shaking, he even had to support himself by placing a hand on one of the counters. Now I wasn´t really sure what was burning more, my hand or my cheeks.

 

 _“Are you finished?”_  I asked angrily.

 

Barnes tried to straighten up and put on a serious face again, but he failed miserably because another wave of uncontrollable laughter consumed his body. 

 

 _“If you are trying to burn us all, I would suggest a bigger fire next time.”_ It was an almost unearthly accomplishment for him to get this sentence out of his mouth.

 

 _“Yeah, don´t worry, I will set your bed on fire. It seems that you like that kind of cowardly assassinations when your target is sleeping.”_ Hell, I was angry. First, he tries to kill me in my sleep. Secondly, his afternoon entertainment is to revel in my failure.

 

With my statement, the atmosphere in the kitchen changed. His face hardened again, no traces of previous jolly behavior could be spotted anymore.

 

 _“The last night was a mistake. I just… overreacted. When it comes to HYDRA I can´t keep my mind clear.”_ He said.

 

 _“And what would you do, if you had been successful? I doubt that you would bury me and bring a rose to my grave every year, with teary eyes and heartfelt apology.”_  Of course, I kind of knew the reason why he wanted me dead was legit, at least from his point of view.

 

 _“No… I would probably cremate you... in the oven…”_ Grin spread across his face.

 

I did NOT expect to hear such a savage come back, that´s why I wasn´t able to hold the burst of laughter.

 

 _“Alright. You just settled the score to 1:1.”_  I admitted the painful truth.

 

I stopped the tap and went to get a broom to sweep out the mess on the floor. In the meantime, Barnes turned on the ventilation.

 

 _“I should probably be the one to prepare the lunch. If you die from food poisoning the rest of the Avengers would think that I put a poison in your food.”_  He then said.

 

 _“Fine.”_ My hunger was too great to refuse… and to take another of Stark´s baguette seemed like an unnecessary risk.

 

The food that he prepared wasn´t anything special, more like spaghetti with ketchup. But the portion was rather generous and I was in no place to complain. We both took the food in the main living room, in front of the ridiculously big TV. We both quickly glanced on the remote controller and on each other. Then we both launched towards it and a short fight was held over the TV dominion. Well, unsurprisingly luck wasn´t on my side. He picked a documentary about the second World war.

 

 _“You were there, why do you need to watch it?”_ I grunted.

 

 _“It helps me to remember the times before they made me into a mindless killer.”_ He answered.

 

 _“I heard that if they didn´t pick you up you would probably just bleed to death from your injuries. Ultimately, you survived the war because of HYDRA.”_  I just repeated what was told to me a few years ago.

 

 _“I would prefer the latter. Better than serving HYDRA.”_ He said harshly. 

 

 _“But you stayed alive. And HYDRA doesn´t have the orders to capture you anymore, so you don´t have to worry about that.”_ I assured him.

 

 _“What do you mean by that? They...YOU are always after me, trying to get me back.”_ Barnes inquired.

 

 _“When I became one of the heads, they assigned your case to me, since my knowledge of the Winter soldier program is by far the greatest. The previous command wanted you back, but I decided otherwise. I changed the “capture” order to “kill on sight” order. I just think that risks you present are far bigger than possible advantages. No one knows how much you can recall from your time in HYDRA. That´s just too risky. I´m sorry, the end game for us is still the same.”_  I was looking at him while speaking, not avoiding his stare.

 

 _“So, either way, I destroy HYDRA completely or you will kill me?”_ His voice became cold again.

 

 _“Or you can run and hide in the middle of nowhere, marry some villager and live your life as a forgotten relic of the past. But I don´t think you will do that.”_  I gave him another choice.

 

 _“And why is that?”_ He asked.

 

 _“To be honest, I don´t think you truly get what the serum in your veins really means… nor your friend Rogers. He was enhanced during the war and after that, he was on the ice for about 70 years. As for you, you didn´t even get to remember what you ate the other day, so neither one of you had time to really think about it. Well, I got almost 20 years to wrap my head around it after they shot the serum up to my body. Do you really think that we can quit all of this and lead a normal life?”_  There was my chance to place a question.

 

 _“Yes, of course. Steve deserves the happiness the normal life can offer him. As for me… I hoped that I could…”_ But his sentence was left unfinished.

 

_“You might be older than me, but you are so very naïve. We live to fight. That´s it.”_

Usually, I tried to be quite a happy and optimistic person – at least as much as the circumstances allow it. But the one thing I was pessimistic about were the days to come. Winter soldier was still a broken man inside, unsure how to handle the demons of his past, yet he still held some hope for the future. On the other side, I was reconciled with my past, but I was convinced that there are demons lurking in my future. For a moment, I could have sworn, that Barnes´ eyes lit with a sudden understanding before the moment passed. Needless to say, that previous good mood was now below the freezing point.  As was our spaghettis.

 

* * *

A/N

We got a little bit personal in this chapter, but I promise there will be some action in the next one ;).


	6. Decisions, decisions...

Next few days were also quite dull. Stark let me get my notebook from HYDRA, so I could at least search up our databases, but beyond that, I was completely useless.  _Eat-train-do some research-watch a movie-sleep-repeat_  was my everyday life now. Since our little chat, Barnes kept his distance and we didn´t interact with each other very often. The seven-days deadline grew shorter by every passing hour and we weren´t able to get anything on the mysterious man. Each of the leads only ended in even more question marks. How big was my surprise when all of the Avengers gathered one evening in the compound.

 

 _“Is there some meeting?”_ I asked the first person whom I met.

 

 _“No. Captain has a birthday today, so we are throwing a little celebratory dinner.”_ Hawkeye answered.

 

 _“Are you kidding me? There are only two days left and you are willing to waste the whole evening?”_  I couldn´t believe what he just told me. 

 

 _“Look, HYDRA. We spend last five days searching for anything and the conclusion is – there is NOTHING to be found. Nothing on that man, his agenda or even his origins. I really doubt that we will manage to get some major breakthrough soon and a few hours of rest will do good for everyone.”_  He retorted and went away 

 

Yeah, Mr Cupid clearly wasn´t my biggest fan. The fact that I was called HYDRA instead of my real name became quite a normal thing for me, as did their hostile attitude.  Instead of an answer I just grunted some incomprehensible word and went to my room. Great. Now, I will be stuck in my quarters for the rest of the evening while the Avengers will throw a celebration for almost hundred years old super-soldier. I suspect that Happy meal won´t be included on the menu and everyone knows that without the Happy meal, there is no real birthday party. Alright, maybe I believe that because my parents once took me to McDonald's to celebrate my birthday, outside the HYDRA´s facilities and since then I always connected Happy meal to birthday festivities. This distant memory was now playing in my head and smile was now plastered across my face. Noise from the main living area interrupted my thoughts. They were sure very jolly tonight. Well, at least I should be the responsible person and continue my search in the databases. It was maybe an hour, hour and a half before my work was disturbed by a soft knock on the door.

 

 _“Come in.”_ I was now sitting on my bed with a notebook on lap. 

A tall blond man entered my room.

 

 _“Captain? What do you need?”_  My voice sounded a little bit surprised.

  
 _“I was just thinking that… you should not sit here alone. How about you join us?”_ He offered a little bit awkwardly. 

 

 _“If Barnes needs a piñata he should have bought one.”_  I was quite taken aback by his offer, so I used the only diversion technique that came to my mind – snarky comeback.

 

 _“I know that… we haven´t been very warm towards you, but you have to understand that it´s not easy for us too. Still, we are in this together, whether we like it or not. So, this is me, bearing an olive branch.”_ Rogers continued.

 

He was so nice and put together, it was a mystery for me, how he managed to survive for so long with this kind of attitude. In HYDRA, we would probably just snatch his olive branch and strangle him with it. But he was right. Our current situation was far beyond normal.

 

 _“…Also, not to mention Tony went really all out with the catering.”_  He added.

Damn him. Late evening dinner sounded more than tempting.

 

 _“Fine. Just give me a minute, I will change to something more… befitting.”_  I looked down on my PJs.

 

He just smiled and closed the door.  _What have I done?_  In that moment of the utmost terror I realized, I just promised to go out and join them.  _Can a person die from the high dosage of an awkward situation?_  Well, we will surely found out very soon. It took me another fifteen minutes to dig something from my computer and change my attire, but after that, I slowly walked towards the common room. As soon as I reached the doorframe, the once buzzing place went completely silent. Great. My legs moved on their own as they seated me on the floor, next to the sofa.

 

After another painfully silent moment, Stark finally spoke. _“Let´s get some drink to HYDRA, you look like you need a shot.”_ And he poured me a glass.

 

 _“The super soldier serum…the alcohol. You should not waste your expensive whisky on me.”_ I refused the drink.

 

It took Stark a minute to comprehend my sentence.  _“I forget, you can´t get drunk. Wait… You told us that they gave you the serum when you were five... Do you mean…you never got wasted? Ever?”_ A look of absolute pity was now on his face.

  
 _“Well, it wasn´t on my five years old self “bucket list”… so you are right.”_ I confirmed his assumption. 

 

After that, I turned my focus on the man of the hour. _“Captain? Happy birthday. You were right. We are sort of allies now, so let me present you with a gift on behalf of HYDRA.”_  With that, I handed him a flash disk.

 

Yeah. I could have probably shown up with nothing. It just doesn´t seem like a right thing to do. When you are invited somewhere, you should always bring something small. 

 

 _“Thanks… what´s on it?”_ He and…well, everyone seemed very surprised by my action. 

 

 _“A virus, probably?”_ Wilson said with a smirk. 

 

_“According to my sources, you were… involved with SHIELD´s agent Carter. She was a very skilful person and that´s why HYDRA always kept a quite detailed file on her. Apparently, you two met before she died but I doubt that she was able to tell you the whole story of her life since her memory wasn´t very good. This file should cover pretty much everything you would like to know. It might serve as some sort of memoir.”_

After my explanation, I could almost swear that Avenger´s jaws were all on the ground.

 

 _“Why… why would you give this to me if you knew how much would this mean to me?”_  Rogers asked, his voice a little bit husky.

 

Suddenly, I was scared that he would come to me and hug me, these situations weren´t my forte at all. And to be honest, there wasn´t anything else I could get him on such a short notice.

 

 _“She is dead, Captain. The file has no value to us anymore.”_  I opted to cut this emotional minute. Or completely massacre it, to be precise. 

 

Steve cleared his throat.  _“Still. Thank you.”_

Instead of an answer, I just grabbed a piece of cake. To my surprise, the evening was quite fun. I already said that HYDRA is my family, but it seems that a similar bond is between Avengers. To be completely honest,  _my family_ compared to theirs now looked quite dysfunctional. 

 

 _“Would you bet on it?”_ A Loud voice suddenly interrupted my inner thoughts.

 

Apparently, everyone was now in a heated discussion who would win an arm-wrestle fight. Rogers or Barnes. Stark clearly took an initiative and started to collect bets from everyone. 

 

 _“HYDRA? Do you want to place a bet?”_   He asked me.

 

 _“Will Barnes use his metal arm?”_ I won´t lie, I was quite curious which serum was stronger.

 

 _“No. Let´s make it fair.”_ Tony decided.

 

I clicked my tongue and evaluate both males.  _“Winter soldier.”_

 

 _“And how much pocket money HYDRA gives you? Can you afford to bet against me?”_  Stark teased.

 

 _“That depends… what are YOU willing to bet. You are THE Tony Stark, live up to my expectations.”_ I was not going to lose to Iron man.

 

He reached into his pocket and took a car-key out. I knew what car comes with this key. Automobiles weren´t exactly my passion, but that machine I saw on a driveway was surely something special. FRIDAY gave me a lesson about not getting near to it because evidently, it was Aston Martin Vulcan. Some super-duper ride that wasn´t even legal on the streets. Of course, that wasn´t something that would bother Mr Stark at all. 

 

 _“Well? Do you need a loan?”_ Stark said. 

 

 _“How about James Dean´s Little bastard? One of the HYDRA´s previous heads once told me where they keep it. Now he is dead, so it´s currently lost and without an owner.”_ I watched as Tony´s smug face faded a little bit.

 

 _“You know where that cursed wreck is?”_ He seemed more than intrigued. 

 

 _“Yes. Are you in?”_ I proposed.

 

 _“Yes!”_ Was his answer.

With that, we both went to have a little strategic talk with the contestants. 

 

 _“Can you win?”_  I asked Barnes as soon as I reached his side.

 

 _“Before the serum? Sure.”_ He chuckled.

 

 _“I saw pictures, before the serum a stronger wind could have won against Rogers. But can you win now?”_  I asked again.

 

_“It seems you are quite determined to win this bet. What´s in it for me?”_

 

 _“You wouldn´t ask like that if you didn´t already have something you want from me, soldier. Spill it.”_ My eyes watched him carefully.

 

 _“I want my file from HYDRA. You clearly have an access to the database, so it shouldn´t be a problem. My memories from the last 70-something years are very hazy and that could at least help me remember my past.”_ He requested.

 

 _“No.”_ Was simply my answer.

 

 _“Why? It´s not valuable to you anymore.”_ He was now facing me, looking quite menacing. 

 

 _“It contains classified information and …”_ I stopped mid-sentence.

 

 _“And?”_  We were too focused on our bickering to notice that the chatter around us stopped and everyone was now watching us.

 

 _“You wouldn´t be able to handle it.”_  That was – according to me, truth.

 

 _“It´s my life, I deserve to know what YOU forced me to do!”_  Barnes was becoming more and more agitated by every passing second.

 

 _“Look, I always got a special treatment from HYDRA, meaning I could have said “no” to a mission back then. You all have quite a clear idea about my moral compass, so just try to imagine what kind of jobs you used to be sent to, if even I refused them. Just let it go.”_  
But my suggestion was dismissed almost right away by his furious voice.

 

 _“Bullshit. Don´t pretend you care about my well-being.”_  Wow, he was so mad to even watch his language or his movements.

 

Without a warning, his metal hand grabbed my shoulder and my body automatically moved into a defensive position. Only now, we finally registered the people surrounding us, all of them clearly ready to step in right away and separate us.

 

 _“Easy, soldier. You don´t want to ruin your friend´s birthday, right?”_ I asked never breaking eye contact with him.

 

Barnes suddenly blinked and looked around himself as he released my shoulder and stepped back. Without a word a turned on the heel a head back to my room. If he wants to hate me, that´s fine, but I knew the truth. He won´t be able to live with himself if he ever sees that file. From my point of view, I was doing him a big favour by not showing him even one entry. 

 

 _“Wait!”_ A voice sounded behind my back.

 

 _“Captain?”_  I halt my footsteps and waited for him.

 

 _“I know that we are not friends or anything like that, but please, show Bucky his file. He needs to deal with his past.”_  He pleaded with those puppy eyes.

 

 _“You all think of me as a definition of evil...or something like that. But for once, you should believe me.”_ I watched him for a second. _“But you never will, right?”_

 

 _“The HYDRA thing is hard to forget…”_ Captain admitted.

 

 _“Fine. I will show you part of his file. Apparently, there is nothing you wouldn´t do for him, so maybe this little sneak-peak won´t scare you off.”_ With that, I led Rogers into my room.

 

I pulled a random mission report from Winter soldier´s file and handed the notebook to Captain. His complexion became more and more pale as he read through it. 

 

 _“So?”_  I asked when he finished the last sentence.

 

 _“We can´t show him this. Ever.”_ Steve said, still white as a sheet.

 

He cleared his throat.  _“Thank you. For showing me…”_

 

 _“I just like to be right.”_ I brushed his thanks off.

 

He smiled a little bit, sporting those perfect white teeth.  _“Or maybe you are not as evil as we all think.”_

With that, he stood up and left me alone in my room.

 

\--- Next morning ---

 

We only had two more days to come up with something when suddenly my superior – the “main” head contacted us, asking for a conference call meeting.

 

 _“I would like to inform you, that we made a deal with our mysterious man.”_ Voice of my superior sounded from the speakers.

 

 _“What? You crossed us?”_  Tony said angrily.

 

 _“Mr Stark, it´s a matter of survival. His forces occupied most of our facilities already and he agreed to hand them back under our control if we pledge loyalty and our man to him. You weren´t able to get anything on him and neither were we. It´s the most favourable way how to handle this situation right now.”_ HYDRA´s head continued calmly.

 

 _“What about my opinion Anthony? You voted without me on that matter?”_ I intervened.

 

 _“Your vote would be the only one against. And you also shouldn´t be able to vote on the questions concerning you directly.”_ Anthony replied.

 

 _“What do you mean by that?”_  My guts suddenly twisted.

 

 _“Baal – as he introduced himself, would like to launch a new Winter soldier program. And because your father destroyed the entire research, Baal kindly asked us if he can borrow you for a few tests. We all agreed on this terms. He will pick you up when he arrives to collect an answer from Stark and his crew.”_  I could have sworn that he was smiling while telling me this.

Anthony and I often have different opinions on many subjects, but I would never imagine that he would sell me out like that.

 

 _“As for you, Avengers. I suggest you strike a deal with him. Beyond his name, he is still an enigma to us too, but I can tell you that he is way out of our league.”_  After that, the line was broken.

 

What am I going to do? Follow orders and obediently go to be a guinea pig? I can only imagine that their tests won´t be just a standard blood examination. They are on the square one and the only lead is me.  _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._  My second option was to beg the Avengers for an asylum… or run.

 

* * *

A/N  
Well? What choice would you pick? ;)


	7. See ya!

The conference room was so quiet you could probably hear it if somebody drops a needle. My mind was in the complete panic mode.

 

_“HYDRA?”_ Stark said softly.

 

His voice brought me back to a reality.

 

_“Yes?”_ I straightened up _. “I´m sorry… I just need a minute.”_ With that, my legs turned around and swiftly exited the room.

 

There was no particular destination, my mind just needed a place to process all the information. I have to disappear – was my first instinct. As I thoughtlessly stepped into my room, I swiftly opened the closet and started to throw some clothes on the bed. _Where will I go?_ Of course, most of my money was lying on the HYDRA´s accounts, all the possible hideouts were also known to them. The only thing I can do is to spy and kill… if I get some jobs as mercenary, the word will soon reach HYDRA and they will be able to track me down easily. Never ever have I thoughted that I will need to get away from my organization. There was no backup plan prepared. Winter soldier managed to get off the radar, but again… timing was great and he still had friends that would do anything for him. If something goes south for me, there is no one I can count on, I would be alone.

     _But what else can I do?_ My options were fairly limited. If I go with Baal, they will probably just use me as a lab rat. In my whole life, I was never treated as some sort of “experiment” and I wasn´t very keen on starting with it right now. But on the bright side, I would be in a close proximity to the man in charge and that makes a perfect opportunity how to finally get something on him. Of course, the second option was to ask Avengers if I can stay with them… indefinitely.  But are they strong enough to prevent Baal from taking me by force? Anthony and the rest of HYDRA´s heads would never strike such a disadvantageous deal if they believed that there is another way how to handle Baal. That leads me to the conclusion that they are scared of him. And if HYDRA is pissing its pants because of this man, Avengers should be quite concerned too. Also… in the case that I decide to disobey a direct order and ask Avengers for help or run away, HYDRA will cut me out completely. No point of return, no chance of forgiveness, they would just put me on the black list, more precisely on top of it.

 

_“Are you alright?”_ The voice of Captain Rogers sounded behind my back.

 

_“Yes… I just needed a moment to think.”_ My voice sounded even less convincing than I imagined it would.

 

_“You don´t have to go with that man.”_ He said as he approached me, his eyes fixed on the clothes that were lying on my bed.

 

_“I know… but what other choices do I have? Stay here? Are you prepared to face consequences if you take me in as a refugee? Baal killed civilians and seize HYDRA´s facilities just to prove that he can do it and we were completely at his mercy. If he really wanted, he could have forced us to cooperate when he first approached us. But he decided otherwise, his strategy was to let us try to investigate him. He wants us to know just how screwed we are.”_ I shared with him my thoughts.

 

_“We can hide you somewhere.”_ Rogers suggested.

 

_“That man killed my father, Captain. I want him dead and I can´t arrange that from hiding. Also, there is HYDRA, they would not forgive me for defecting. Anthony and the others would organize a witch hunt on my head. I never booked a plane ticket, my fake passport is in one of the HYDRA´s safe houses… I´m lacking the skills to live as a normal person. Only now I finally get the fact that they took care of everything. I just showed up and did what I had to do and left for another mission. There is no life for me on the run… As it seems… there are really no options there, as I previously thought, right?”_ I said.

 

_“It´s too dangerous.”_ He objected.

 

_“Whatever option I pick is dangerous. In addition, just a week ago, we were enemies. You have a very kind heart to care that much for a foe, or maybe you are just too foolish. I won´t go down without a fight.”_ Was I reassuring Rogers or myself?

 

Captain sighed. _“It´s your decision.”_

 

_“Let´s go back. I would like to talk to the rest of the group.”_ I said with a sudden determination.

 

Steve nodded and followed me back to the conference room. All the Avengers were still present there, talking about the recent turn of events. Without a moment of hesitation, I headed to the front of the table.

 

_“I would like to assure all of you, that as far as I´m concerned, our alliance still stands. Although Baal clearly strong-armed the rest of the HYDRA´s heads into a submission, I can guess that they are not very happy with this situation. Their strategy now is probably to buy more time to think of the next move. It´s really not my place to advise you what to do, but since we still don´t know anything about him or his agenda, it would be smart to not provoke Baal or challenge him directly just yet.”_ I started.

 

_“Your dear organization just served you on a silver plate to Baal, are you okay with that?”_ Wilson asked.

 

_“They are trying to get their hands back on the wheel. Of course, my ego is a little bit bruised that they gambled me away like that. But hey, let´s work with what we got. I will go and I will play a silly goofy girl, strictly following HYDRA´s order like an obedient guinea pig they want me to be. Hopefully, that would help to build up their trust and also provide access to some information.”_ My stance on the HYDRA´s decision became quite defensive suddenly.

 

In the first moment, I was furious that they promised Baal that I would participate in his experiments. But more I thoughted about it, the clearer it got. They just wanted to take back our facilities and plant someone in Baal´s close proximity. I lived with the Avengers for quite some time now and I almost forgot how entirely different HYDRA´s strategies are in comparison to the Avengers´.  They would never risk a life of a fellow comrade, on the other hand, HYDRA would do whatever necessary to ensure a favourable outcome. _Oh my god, I might be growing softer._

 

_“And you are willing to share everything you will get with us?”_ Stark asked.

_“Yes. While I was absent, my position as a head weakened so I can´t order the rest of the council to share all of the gathered intel with you. But I will contact people who are loyal to me and ask them to send everything to you. After this mission is finished, I will make sure to… explain Anthony and the rest of the heads the error in their ways… and that it won´t be tolerated again.”_ I promised.

_“How do we know it´s not a trap settled by Baal and HYDRA?”_ Miss Romanoff suddenly broke her silence.

 

_“You can´t. But it´s not your skin being risked. It´s mine. I will make sure to keep you in the picture, what will you decide to do with the info is entirely up to you. Now, if you excuse me I need to go and arrange everything.”_

 

With that I left the room, going straight to my bedroom and to my computer. There still was a few HYDRA´s agents that would not betray me, at least not until my actions align with HYDRA´s interests.  After my orders were sent I dived into databases again. It took me few hours to finish everything so when I closed my notebook the alarm on my nightstand showed 00:23. To be honest, sleep wasn´t an option. My nerves were on the edge. Maybe a midnight snack can help a little bit.

    I was surprised to see a dim light coming from the living room. With one of Tony´s baguette, I went to investigate. Three figures were sitting on the couch, talking quietly until they sensed my presence. There was no need to go into a stealth mode, so instead, I just stepped forward.

 

_“Gentlemen, madam…”_ I addressed all of them.

 

_“HYDRA? What are you doing here?”_ Barnes asked.

 

_“Just stealing some food. That´s what we villains do.”_ Waving the baguette in the air.

 

_“You can´t sleep? Want to join us for a moment?”_ Rogers immediately offered.

 

_“I…”_ For once, I was completely lost on words.

 

_“Are you running away?”_ Captain misinterpreted my sudden silence for an inability to come up with some excuse.

 

_“No, it´s not that. I was surprised by your offer… Why would you want me to join you?”_ I said, genuinely curious.

 

_“You basically volunteered to go with Baal to infiltrate and investigate his plans. It´s understandable if you have second doubts about it, or… if you are a little bit nervous. I saw the clothes on the bed, your first instinct was to run away.”_ He added the last part carefully.

 

I gulped, feeling all of their eyes on me. I needed a diversion. _“Alright, I suppose that I can join you for a minute.”_

 

With that, I went to one of the chairs and sat on it. Barnes didn´t look very enthusiastic and the girl that was sitting next to Rogers eyed me suspiciously. It took me a moment to put my finger on from where I know her, then it hit me. She was Agent´s Carter relative. _What was the name…Sherry? Shonda?_

 

_“This is Sharon.”_ Steve proceeded to introduce her to me.

 

_“I think that I saw your file… you were S.H.I.E.L.D.´ s agent, right?”_ My memory started to piece up some information about her.

 

_“It is your hobby to go through people´s files?”_ Barnes suddenly murmured before taking a sip from his glass.

 

_“Are we still bitter about that, Soldier?”_ I shot back.

 

_“You have no right to keep it from me.”_ Alright, it would not be a complete evening if I haven´t gotten myself into a fight with Barnes.

 

_“Do I really look like a person who cares about your rights? You will have to suck it up because I accidentally deleted all of your files today.”_

Angrily, I took one of the glasses and poured the liquid they were drinking. After my exclamation, I saw Rogers tensed as he shot me a curious look. Damn that ungrateful Winter soldier, of course, I deleted it intentionally. Maybe it was an attempt how to salvage my soul on the last minute or a way how to piss off Anthony or… or… whatever. Now I was angry at myself too, so without a second thought, I downed the glass in my hand. As soon as the liquor reached the back of my throat I started to cough violently.

 

_“Bloody hell, what´s that?!”_ It burned and it tasted awful.

 

For a brief moment, they all looked at me completely dumbfounded. Then, all three of them laughed… and laughed… and laughed.

 

_“You never had a hard liquor before?”_ Barnes asked me, forgetting about our previous topic.

 

_“No… alcohol doesn´t work with the serum… God, who would drink this on purpose anyway?”_ My face was twisted as I tried to overcome the burning sensation.

 

_“You look like Steve when I first took him out drinking. The reaction was spot-on.”_ He chuckled in Roger´s direction.

 

_“I thought you and Rogers are friends. Why would you do that to this poor man?”_ I asked.

 

_“He needed to be taught how to drink, back in the 40´s he was an absolute disaster. Also, the purpose of drinking this is to get drunk.”_ While he was talking, he reached for a water and passed me a bottle.

 

_“And now? You can´t get drunk…”_ I took the bottle from his metal hand and drink a little bit.

 

_“… maybe we are hoping for a placebo effect.”_ He replied, half-jokingly.

 

_“But I don´t think it works.”_ Rogers interrupted our dialogue as he looked down to his empty glass.

 

_“And that is quite alright.”_ Sharon said as she placed her hand on Steve´s leg.

 

Stunned, I turned to Barnes. He was smiling at his friend, not even noticing my stare.

 

_“Ehm… That´s why you wanted me to join you? So, the Winter soldier wouldn´t be the third wheel?”_ I asked.

 

_“Yeah, Steve… you wanted to play a wingman and you got me HYDRA. Well done.”_ Barnes snickered.

 

For some reason, I felt very insulted by his comment. _“Oh, only in your dreams, Soldier.”_

 

We both glared at each other.

 

_“Stop it! Both of you. Just for one minute can you at least pretend to be friendly towards each other?”_ Steve tried to calm a mode.

 

_“I don´t think she is capable…”_ Barnes never got a chance to finish his sentence, because I flung a pillow in his face.

 

For a brief moment, I thoughted that he will be the “grown-up”, the better man… but then, the pillow was returned to me, flying around 200km/h. That forced me to stand up.

 

_“No, you didn´t…”_

 

The pillow war was already declared. We both clearly realized that it´s not a good idea to break anything in Starks ´super luxurious living room, so the fighting was more or less tuned down. This plan worked quite well until an awful ripping sound filled the room. The pillow was shredded and the feathers filled the air, as for me, I was pulling on that pillow quite hard so when it tore it send me flying backwards. I tried to prevent my fall by reaching to the table behind me, but I only managed to knock off Sharon´s glass of red wine. After that, I painfully landed on my ass. There was a moment of silence, but it was such a surreal situation that we both started to laugh.

 

_“Well, I don´t want to be the one who is going to tell Stark.”_ Barnes pointed on the mess of feathers and red wine stain on the white carpet.

 

_“We… are going to bed. Good night.”_ Steve critically assessed the scene and decided to clear the area at once.

_“Escaping a drowning ship, aren´t we?”_ I commented on their leave and pulled myself on the sofa.

 

_“Cowards…”_ Barnes landed next to me.

 

Another round of laughter erupted from us. It was such a carefree moment that we both completely forgot about our bickering.

 

_“Baal is coming today… The carpet probably will be the last problem. That kind of saves our asses.”_ I added.

 

_“Are you afraid?”_ He suddenly looked at me with all the seriousness.

 

_“Yeah… but if I run or refuse to go, HYDRA won´t tolerate it. It would result in me being kicked off the council and as soon as they capture me, they would torture me and put my brain in the blender – the same way they did to you. That´s why I think it´s better for me to go willingly and keep at least some sort of control of the situation. I don´t have a tall blond prince sweeping in my rescue as you have.”_ With the last sentence, I poke a little fun to ease the conversation.

 

_“You are HYDRA, but at the same time, it seems to me that you want to change the old ways into something better. We won´t ignore it if you ask for help.”_ He said.

 

_“Thank you.”_ I averted my gaze and cleared my throat. _“Well, I should go and get some sleep. Good night, Soldier.”_ With that, I exited the room.

 

\--- next morning ---

 

Baal arrived around 1 pm, this time with an entourage. We were all gathered in the living room, waiting for whoever will speak first.

 

_“Avengers, Miss (L/N), I hope that you enjoyed the whole week.”_ He greeted us mockingly. _“Before we get to the business I believe that HYDRA already informed you, Miss, that you will be joining me. So, if you be so kind…”_ He gestured for me to come to his side.

 

Without a word, I strolled to the place. To my great surprise, two of Baal´s henchmen stepped forward, holding chains and handcuffs.

 

_“Who told you I´m into that, Mr Grey?”_ I really, really tried to mask the panic I was feeling with an inappropriate joke.

 

_“It´s just a safety measure, I promise.”_ Baal explained.

 

There wasn´t any other option so I let them restrain me.

 

_“Take her to the car and wait for me there.”_ He ordered his man.

 

At least, I turned my head back to Avengers, all of them wearing a grim expression, not even speaking a word.

 

_“See ya!”_ Was the only thing I managed to say before Baal´s men shoved me out of the room and into the car.


	8. Secrets

We waited in the car for about an hour or so. After that, we suddenly started to move. Baal apparently has his own ride. The journey was long and tiresome. I really tried to watch the surroundings to remember what direction we were heading. After what could be about five hours we finally reached our destination in the mountains. From outside, it looked more-less as a normal cave, but the big metal doors told me otherwise. I didn´t resist when they pulled me out of the car and led me inside the mountain complex. Interior looked pretty much like all of these types of facilities, nothing shocking or extravagant. Unfortunately, I wasn´t given a full tour since they rushed me straight to the research labs. Head of the scientists introduced himself as Dr Novak. He seemed as a pretty cold person, but the rest of the staff looked quite normal. I forced myself to be as helpful and nice as possible when they took me to my new “room” and gave me plain white T-shirt and knee-length shorts. When I changed my clothes, they immediately started with an examination. It was pretty basic stuff like sampling blood, getting CT and Roentgen, blood pressure and so on. Some of the nurses were kind enough to strike up a conversation with me, but the topic always remained somewhat vague. I tried to at least get a hint what happened to the Avengers, which didn´t end up successfully. Since Baal was after the serum, my prediction was that he would take Rogers and Barnes too. Maybe it was more than a prediction, actually, I kind of counted on it. Three of us would be able to cause quite a chaos if needed. That, of course, only applied in the case Avengers took Baal´s offer. He would be most definitely able to strong-arm them into lending both super-soldiers for testing. But few days passed, a week and no one joined me in as a fellow lab rat.   
    After ten days, they still kept me locked up in my room, monitoring me 24/7. Baal never came to visit me, the only interaction I had was with the staff. It was quite disappointing since I hoped to get something out of this “vacation”. On the bright side, my good behaviour paid off in a form of notebook. It was pretty boring for me the most of the time, so they gave it to me to pass the time. Of course, all of my internet activity was 100% monitored, but I wasn´t stupid enough to contact anyone directly. Instead of that, I used an old trusted way me and my team devised a few years back. It was rather simple and not very handy… but it was something. Usually, I went to some page as Pinterest and I liked or add photos which might seem absolutely random and harmless, but if my HYDRA people see my actions they would be able to decipher it. For example, when I add photo or drawing of horse it means that the task is finished. If I pin a photo of a gown, it signals abortion of a mission. To an outside person, it would seem that I just like girly stuff, but in reality, it´s a primitive way how to communicate. With this limited resources, the only thing I was able to send them is that I´m okay and they keep me in mountains, five hours’ radius from my starting point.   
    By the 14th day, I noticed something is a little bit off in their research. They mainly focused on the healing aspect of the serum and my immunity. The following day only confirmed my suspicion when they purposely cut me to see the healing process in action. I thoughted that this would be enough for them, but boy was I wrong. Next day, they wanted to see how burns heal, days after that it was fractures. First it was just a finger, however, my hand soon followed. Needless to say, this wasn´t really to my liking at all. Novak didn´t care about my protests and other staff members just gave me looks full of pity.  _What the hell are they after?_  Physical injuries weren´t the only thing on their “To do” list. Around 20th day, they started to inject me with different diseases to see how my organism battles it out. It took all of my determination not to go berserk on them, but I was pretty sure they would only restrain me and I would lose my notebook privileges. And without them, I would not be able to contact my team at all. Since the research went quite rough and my resistance was still not existing, the scientist began to be sloppy sometimes. One time, while they roentgen my broken arm both of the white-coats left to get a coffee while waiting for the results. This was my chance to get to one of the computers and browse through my open file. I chuckled when I remembered how Winter soldier accused me of my fascination with people´s files. The smile soon left my face.  _Fuck._ They weren´t after the serum at all. I need to get out ASAP. The door behind me suddenly slammed, which caused me to quickly turn around, only to face Dr Novak.

 

_“What are you doing?”_  He asked suspiciously. 

 

_“I just wanted to look how the fracture looks. But I don´t understand all of the medical mumbo jumbo.”_ I lied with an idiotic smile plastered on my face.

 

_“Really? Step from the computer.”_ Novak ordered.

 

_“Of course.”_ Was my reply.

 

_“Security? Take the Subject back to her room.”_ The doctor called the gorillas behind the door.

I didn´t resist when they took me back to my room, but as soon as they left I turned my notebook on to post a photo. The fractured arm wasn´t fully healed yet and the rest of my body was covered in various burns and cuts. Overall, my current state wasn´t very good, but there was no other option. I picked one of the deep gashes and I pulled and picked a little bit on it till it started to bleed again. 

 

_“Doc? One of my stitching must have broken!”_  I shouted.

 

After a while, one of the scientists entered the room with the security guys at his back. They didn´t suspect me to be hostile so they were down almost instantly. I picked two guns from the security and proceeded out of my room. This has to be a fast escape, every person that crossed my path was gunned down and by the time I reached the staircase the alarms went on. That only made me hurry up. When my leg landed on the last step a voice sounded behind my back.

 

_“Leaving already, Miss (L/N)?”_  Baal´s ominous voice resonated through the staircase.

I was 100% positive that he hasn´t been following me. He just appeared out of the thin air.

 

_“You are not after the super soldier serum. Who the hell are you? How do you know that much?”_ I confronted him right away.

 

_“I´m the end.”_  He replied.

No explanation was given. Without wasting another second, I launched my attack. He managed to dodge both of the bullets I shot, so our fight turned to a hand-to-hand combat. To my surprise, he was good. More than good. He was on par with me. My focus was completely on him, which made me vulnerable from behind. I only realized this when I felt a sharp stinging pain in the neck. My body went numb instantly. As I was falling on the stairs, the image of Dr Novak standing on top of the staircase with a gun came to my field of vision.

 

_“Oh my dear Miss (L/N), it seems that you are not as obedient as I thought. That can be easily fixed. But I must say you fight really well, it´s has been a more than a lifetime since someone presented such a challenge. Now, you will have to excuse me, I will leave you in capable hands of Dr Novak.”_  With that, he left.

I still wasn´t able to move or resist when they picked me from the floor and carried me to a new room. In its centre, I saw the most horrific thing ever. No. It wasn´t weighing machine. It was THE chair. The one HYDRA used to wipe Winter soldier. 

 

_“You recognised this, don´t you? Your organization used it in the past. It´s quite complicated to erase all the memories and plant a few trigger words into one’s brain. They don't teach us that in the med school, so this would be a trial of hit and miss. Hopefully, I can count on your cooperation.”_ Novak said mockingly.

 

Without a chance to fight him I was completely at his mercy. They clearly didn´t have a manual how to do this, which was a blessing and a curse for me at the same time. Novak was determined to break me before the Baal´s returned and that meant more pain for me, much more. The silver lining was that he still wasn´t able to finish the process completely. It could have been hours or days… I wasn´t sure, but suddenly the door flew open and the gunshot filled the air.

 

_“HYDRA? Are you okay?”_ Voice sounded by my side.

I was still strapped to THE chair. My eyes tried to focus on the source of the voice.

 

_“Soldier?”_ I mumbled.

 

_“Can you walk?”_ He asked as his metal hand ripped the restraints from my hands and legs.

 

Novak was injecting me with the drug he used on the staircase regularly, so running was not an option for me. Even to speak wasn´t easy.

 

_“No… you can shoot me. I´m dead weight anyway. Everything you need to know is in my apartment in Seoul. There is a hidden box under the floor beneath the bathtub.”_

 

_“What? What are you talking about… come on, let´s go.”_ He said as he lifts me up to carry me.

The rest of my rescue was hazy. My conscious probably left me somewhere in the upper floors.

 

\---

 

I woke up in a bed, but before I could look around a man stepped into my gaze.

 

_“Are you awake? How are you feeling?”_ He asked.

 

_“Mr Banner?”_  I recognised the voice.

 

_“Yes… don´t worry, we managed to get you out. HYDRA contacted us and asked us for help in that mission.”_ Banner continued.

 

_“And you did?”_  My voice sounded surprised.

 

_“Of course… But I fear you have some explanation to do.”_ He talked as he checked my injuries.

 

_“Yeah… I need to talk with everybody… as soon as possible. Can you arrange it?”_  I asked.

 

_“No problem.”_ He went out and instructed someone I couldn´t see.

It took only fifteen minutes to get all of the Avengers to my room and Anthony on the phone.

 

_“Whenever you ready.”_ Banner told me.

 

_“As you all know, my father´s serum has some limitations. But even HYDRA´s council doesn´t have details what it is. It all happened five years ago, my and my fellow team mate, we were on a mission. After we killed some politician, I suddenly started to feel… weird. I called my father and since I was never sick he instructed us to check in one of the HYDRA´s medical facilities. By the time we got there, even my friend knew something was off. They put us in the quarantine where our condition further declined. The problem occurred the second day. No matter how strict the quarantine was, whatever was wrong with us attacked the staff too. Our heightened healing abilities and strong immunity system prevented us from dying, but it kept us on the verge. The rest of people in the facility died within hours after the first symptoms.”_  I started.

 

_“And you and your team mate?”_ Stark interrupted me.

 

_“HYDRA refused to send more doctors. They just informed us that same thing was happening to the other people who got the serum. Some of them were put into an absolute isolation somewhere in the Siberia. The rest was shot and burned immediately. For a normal person… it takes only hours from infection to death. For an enhanced human…around fourteen days.”_

 

_“What about you?”_ Black widow asked.

 

_“For some reason, I survived. After a month, I was able to function again. Part of HYDRA´s command wanted to drop a bomb on the facility just to be sure the infection is under control, but my father persuaded them. I did some tests on me and send them the results, however, it took them almost another six months to approve the end of my quarantine. From that research, my father concluded that it is something like a virus which developed in our systems after we got a serum. It´s extremely aggressive and completely uncontrollable. That´s why HYDRA truly decided to shut down my father research and killed everyone who knew about it. The only people who had the knowledge was me and my father and previous council.”_  I finished.

 

_“And Baal´s after that? Are you completely sure? Why would he wanted it?”_  Rogers was the one to speak first.

 

_“I´m positive. When I was running tests on me I learned something about my father´s work. So, when I looked at their research it was absolutely clear what are they after. Why he wants that? That “virus” can wipe out the entire humanity in less than a week. And I don´t think he is after a Nobel prize.”_


	9. Sleepless in Seoul

After my brief explanation, the room grew silent. Everyone was deep in their own thoughts.

 

 _“What should we do now?”_ Wilson asked after a solid five minutes.

 

 _“We have to run our own research. Just to be prepared for the possibility that Baal will use the “virus”.”_ Banner answered, but his eyes were still fixed on the ground.

_“It´s a shame that HYDRA destroyed every evidence.”_ Stark continued.

 

 _“HYDRA did. But I might have kept a souvenir.”_ My statement drew the attention of all the Avengers.

 

 _“What do you mean by that?”_ Banner shifted his focus on me.

 

 _“HYDRA ordered me to kill every last living soul who knew about it and they also instructed me to destroy all of the evidence. Despite their command, I kept a flash disk with all of the tests I performed on myself and also the research my father conducted on the virus.”_ I explained.

 

 _“Don´t you think that Baal maybe got hold of that disk and that´s how he knows about it?”_ Rogers immediately said, with  a slightly accusing tone.

 

 _“Negative. I never told anyone that I have it. It´s hidden in one of my apartments, cemented into the floor.”_ I dismissed his idea.

_“Alright, where exactly it is? We can go and get it.”_ Miss Romanoff asked me.

 

 _“I want to go and get it.”_ Was my reply.

_“That´s out of the question. Your state isn´t good enough for that.”_ Banner refused my request.

 

_“I´m not under your jurisdiction. Just to be clear, let me rephrase my statement: I will go and get it.”_

 

I needed to go, I needed to be sure that that flash disk was still there. Of course, the possibility that Baal was able to find it was unlikely and I would never admit openly, that I have caused all of this trouble… But it had to be my own eyes which will make sure of it. My only dread now was, that Barnes will tell the rest what I told him back in Baal´s hideout. In my moment of weakness, I shared the location with him, but to my surprise, he was quietly standing at the back of the room.

 

 _“Fine. Apparently, you are not a super-soldier but super-stubborn.”_ Stark admitted defeat.

 

 _“I will go with HYDRA.”_ Sounded from the back of the room.

 

 _“Bucky? Why would you want to go?”_ Rogers asked, surprised.

 

 _“You all might be needed for a combat, but since my “problem” is still an issue I can at least help by escorting her to get the disk.”_ He simply explained.

 

 _“Alright, we can prepare a plane for you two.”_ Barton was, to my disbelief, on the board with our plan.

 

The rest of the group started to discuss their own strategies and after that, they began to leave the room. It took a few hours to prepare the plane, but as soon as it was ready Banner helped me inside, where I instructed the pilot where to go and waited for a Winter soldier to join me. After he arrived, we immediately took off. The journey was quiet, there was so much going through my head that I didn´t even notice the landing.  
    The apartment that HYDRA gave me in Seoul was my favourite of all my properties. It was a spacious loft near Han river with a breath-taking view. The only problem was our timing, we arrived a little bit after 8 pm and as we were standing in the living room, I turned to the Soldier.

 

_“We should wait for tomorrow. Neighbours might call the police if we take the sledge hammers and start the demolition of my bathroom now.”_

 

 _“No problem.”_ He put his bag on the floor.

 

_“I can order some food… The fridge is probably completely empty. You can make yourself comfortable, there is a guest room on the right side.”_

With that, I went to one of the drawers. There still were many prepaid phones HYDRA usually uses when we want to call safely. On the fridge was a paper with numbers of a different restaurants, so I chose randomly and ordered the whole feast. In the meantime, Barnes went to get a shower and I wandered to the gramophone that was in the corner. A few years ago, I met a Korean assassin… usually, when he came home, he poured himself a glass of a red wine and played Mozart. Back then, it impressed me enough to get my own sound system, but only instead of a Mozart, my favourite was Chopin or Elgar. When the first tones of Chopin´s Nocturne in C sharp Minor hit my ears, I had to smile even though the melody is kind of sad. 

 

 _“I would never guess you like this kind of music.”_ Sounded behind my back.

 

Barnes stood there, towelling his wet hair.

 

 _“I just like music in general. If you want, I can turn on the TV and you can listen to some K-POP.”_ Smirk was now playing on my lips while I imagined how would Winter soldier´s old ass reacts to a flashy and over the top Korean music.

 

_“This is fine.”_

 

Any further conversation was interrupted by a doorbell. Our opulent dinner has finally arrived. I tipped the delivery-man and took the food inside. We were both hungry, so only some small talk was on the menu during the eating itself. After that, we stayed in the living room sitting across each other on my comfortable sofa, listening to the music in the dimly lit space.

 

 _“I know you probably don´t want to talk about it…”_ Barnes broke the silence.

 

 _“But you will ask me anyway…”_ I added.

_“When we came for you to the Baal´s hideout… You were on THAT chair. Were they successful?”_ He asked carefully. 

 

 _“The scientist didn´t know how to perform the procedure… so I´m 85% sure that I should be okay…”_ I replied.

 

 _“That´s not a hundred percent. Do you want to know?”_ Soldier continued.

 

There was a moment of silence.

  
 _“It probably would be smart to test it out… but to be completely honest… There is a part of me which doesn´t want to know.”_ The possibility that they might succeed in planting the trigger words in my mind was kind of too scary for me.

_“You should found out sooner than later. It could possibly cause a major problem during the fighting.”_ He noted.

 

 _“What exactly are you suggesting?”_ Was my answer.

_“Write down the words and I will read them. Now.”_ Barnes persuaded me.

_“Are you kidding me? What if it… what if it really works? I can´t give you the remote controller to my brain!”_ I dismissed his idea at once.

 

 _“There is only me. Back in the compound, the audience will be much larger. And you are the one who used the trigger words on me first. If there is someone who understands how humiliating it is to lose the control of your own body and mind, it´s me.”_ He wasn´t going to give up.

 

 _“I´m sorry.”_ My voice was a whisper.

 

 _“I promise that I won´t abuse it if it works… just maybe I will force you to do the dishes.”_ The soldier tried to lift my spirit with a joke, but this time, it didn´t work.

 

Nervously, I ran my hand through my (H/C) hair. _“Fine…”_  ...... Is this my biggest mistake ever?

 

For the next hour or so, I taught him the words. Dr Novák was Czech, so we spend quite a lot of time on the pronunciation of a certain letter – Ř. When I was confident enough that Soldier is ready I sat back on the sofa and gave him a little nod.

 

He started immediately.

 

 _“Rozbřesk, sníh, domov, stanice, radost, červený, kořist, studna, sedm, vodní přehrada.”_ Barnes recited.

 

For the first nine words, nothing really happened but as soon as the last word hit my ears the whole world turned into a white blinding pain. This wasn´t something that I anticipated, so a loud scream passed my lips as my hands flew to clench my head tightly. Barnes was by my side in a matter of seconds. He looked terrified when he tried to muffle my screams. The pain lasted for about 40 seconds and after that is started to slowly wear off. Another minute went by and I was finally able to get hold of myself, just in time to hear a loud bang on the door. I tried to stand up, but it didn´t go quite well, luckily Barnes caught me before I could land on the ground. After that, he helped me to the door as he hid behind them. 

 

 _“Yes? Who´s there?”_ I shouted through the door.

 

 _“It´s me! Mr Choi, from the apartment next to you. Is everything alright?_ ” An English voice with thick Korean accent spoke.

 

Suddenly, I remembered my neighbour. He introduced himself the last time I lived here. With that, I forced a smile on my lips and opened the door.

 

 _“Mr Choi, I´m so sorry we disturbed you… It´s just my boyfriend arrived a few hours earlier and… we got carried a little bit._ ” Usually, such a blunt inappropriate explanation will deter anyone from the further inquiring. 

 

It took a moment for Mr Choi to fully understand what I was suggesting, but after that, he blushed a little bit and started to apologizing and backing to his apartment again. I waved at him before I shut the door and glide on the ground.

 

Barnes stood there with an expression of a fish taken out of the water.

 

 _“What… what did you just say to him?”_ He managed to ask.

 

_“This kind of explanation makes people so uncomfortable that they almost every time refrain from further questioning. It was an improvisation.”_

 

 _“Or your true intentions finally revealed itself.”_ This was one of the moments when a flirty and cheeky version of Barnes from the 1940´s peeked through the mask of a sullen Winter soldier.

 

 _“Why? Are you interested?”_ I shot back, completely disarming him with my comeback. _“Relax, I´m just toying with you.”_ I continued when the look of complete shock covered his features.

 

The moment of a light fun passed when his face resumed his usual gloomy expression.

 

 _“What happened to you?”_ He asked.

 

 _“I don´t know. It was like THE chair… that kind of a pain is very unforgettable. Let´s try it again.”_ My suggestion clearly shocked him. 

 

 _“Why?”_ Was his obvious question.

 

 _“Now I know what to expect… my next step is to try and overcome it. If they use it during a fight, it´s a huge risk. I have to test what can I do.”_ This explanation probably wasn´t to his liking, but he didn´t protest.

 

For the second trial, I also took something I can bite on to prevent another disturbance of my neighbours. The second time around wasn´t much better, but at least I got hold of myself much faster.

 

 _“Again.”_ I ordered.

 

And again, again and again. To the Barnes´ distaste we continued with this for three more hours and at the end, I was able to even stand up and walk. 

 

 _“We should stop.”_ Soldier proposed.

 

 _“Yeah…you are probably right.”_ I didn´t fight him on this topic. My body was trembling from the constant pain and my shirt was soaking in sweat. 

 

The first logical step was to get a shower, but my legs were like a jelly. Fortunately, Barnes helped me to the room and after that waited behind the doors. When I was ready in my clean PJs, he assisted me on my journey to bed. The surrounding was pitch black when I crawled under the blanket.

 

 _“Will you be alright?_ ” In his voice was a hint of a worry.

 

 _“Yeah… of course.”_ I retorted, but then I really thought about it when I heard his steps moving towards the door.  
 _“James? Wait.”_

 

For the first time ever, I called him by his name, not a Soldier or Barnes. The urgency was etched to my tone. The steps went silent and although I couldn´t see him, I would bet anything that he was completely taken aback by my voice asking for him.

 

 _“Yes?”_ The answer was carefully spoken.

 

 _“Stay, please. Just for a moment.”_ I refused to sound whiny or needy. My request was interpreted with a calm voice that could still salvage some of my dignity.

* * *

 

A/N

The reader went through a lot during these last two chapters, so I decided to write something little bit more… personal? I can only guess that Bucky would be the only one who can understand the situation in which reader is right now. And since he is such a gentleman, he would surely offer his help:D. More action is coming in the next chapter, I promise!

P.S. Any K-drama fans here? There was a slight hint in this chapter on one of the characters from the IRIS.


	10. Barnes. James Barnes.

_Why would you ask him to stay?!_ That was the only question running through my head. I´m grown up super-killer, do I really need a lullaby from a fellow assassin? Since the room was deprived of any light source, I could have only heard Barnes´ steps getting closer and closer. After the sound reached the edge of the bed, there was a moment of silence before I felt the foreign weight pushing down the mattress. 

_“I´m sorry… I don´t know why I called you…”_ God, how stupid can I be?

 

 _“It´s okay. I´m familiar with… THE chair and its effects. It takes your memories one by one and wipes them clean, until nothing, just a white agonizing pain is left. Do you want to talk about it? Just tell me on which memories you have clung the most.”_ He ignored my apologies.

 

 _“Are you really going to pretend to be a psychiatrist?  I always thought that you are a kinky man, but to role-play a doctor in a bed…”_ I tried to brush him off with a cheeky reply.

 

 _“Do you think that this will work on me? You just told me a few hours ago, that you sometimes use inappropriate replies to deter people from further questioning the things you don´t want to talk about. But you should not handle this alone.”_ Barnes laughed a little bit.

 

 _“Alright, alright. If I´m being honest, when I was being held on that chair I thought about my friends and family. The good memories, the bad ones… all of them. Sappy, right?”_ A slight chuckle passed my lips.

_“Do you still have some of them?”_ Winter soldier continued.

 

 _“No. Not after the fiasco with my father´s serum, Hive, Talbot´s offensive, Avengers… One by one they kicked the bucket and went straight to the light. It´s a bet omen to be my friend.”_ I proclaimed bitterly. _“How about you?”_

 

If he was surprised by my question he didn´t show it.

_“Well, my closest family died when I was young. And my friends from the 40´s are also dead. But Steve is still here, so maybe one day I will be the weird funny uncle to his perfect blond kids.”_ He answered with a happier tone.

 

 _“You are both so naïve, it´s almost cute. Send me a piece of a cake from your double wedding with Rogers.”_   I took a chance to poke a little joke on him.

 

 _“I didn´t know that I´m getting married. Who´s the lucky lady?”_ Barnes apparently also wanted to change the subject from our dead relatives to something else.

 

 _“My money is on Miss Romanoff. It will be a deadly wedding indeed. Just watch your head after the ceremony… in a case, the Black widow is not just a code-name after all.”_ I continued.

 

 _“Why Natasha?”_ Winter soldier´s voice was etched with a curiosity.

 

 _“The history you two share is full of a slushy romance. HYDRA knew about it, it was in your file. Quite a reading, I must say, Jane Austen would approve.”_ I explained.

_“It´s over between us. I think Natasha has found a new… interest.”_ His voice was unreadable. Was he happy for her? Was he sad?

_“Oh, do tell. Someone from Avengers? You guys are better than any soap-opera.”_ My decision was to keep the conversational topic light as possible.

_“I suspect that there might be something going on between her and Banner.”_ He shared with me.

 

 _“Wow. I´m starting to see a pattern here. Both of your surnames start with a letter “B”, you both have some sort of dangerous “alter-ego” – Winter soldier and Hulk. That´s why Barton is only her friend and nothing more, he is missing an evil second self.”_ I laughed at my conclusion.

 

 _“That never crossed my mind… But how about you? Do you have a fella?”_ He tried to sound casual, but something in his voice was a little bit off. Is he upset about Natasha?

 

 _“No. HYDRA´s dating pool is so dry that James Bond wants to stick an olive to it and drink it.”_ My joke with “Dry martini” didn´t go so well. _“You don´t know who James Bond is, right?”_ I asked.

 

 _“No… should I?”_ Barnes asked lazily, suddenly looking much more at ease.

 

 _“We have time, let´s watch some movie.”_ I suggested and turn on the TV to find Bond movie.

 

In the meantime, Barnes moved to the other side of the bed to make himself comfortable. The mattress was so big that we both could be sprawled across it easily. The flickering light of the TV and knowledge that I wasn´t alone in the room finally calmed my nerves and although Casino Royal is quite entertaining to watch, I managed to fall asleep in the first twenty minutes.

 

\---

 

I was woken up by the slight touch on the arm. My eyes flew open, ready to analyse the threat but instead of a danger they immediately fixed on a different pair of orbs. There, on the second half of the bed, Barnes was lying, but his hand was shaking my arm.

 

 _“Wake up…”_ He retrieved his hand as soon as I opened my eyes.

_“It´s morning already? Gosh, I still feel like shit.”_ I murmured, not wanting to get up.

 

 _“You can sleep on our way back. Let´s get the flash disk now.”_ Barnes said, but he too didn´t move.

 

 _“Yeah, that´s probably a good plan. I need to go and find something like a sledge hammer first.”_ Was my reply.

 

 _“We don´t need that, just show me where should I punch…”_ Winter soldier flexed his metal fingers.

 

 _“Alright… show-off…”_ I whispered.

 

With a long yawn, I peeled myself from the bed, soon followed by Barnes. We went to the bathroom and I pointed to the spot in the tub. Metal arm hit the porcelain and soon after the concrete under it started to show. It took us about five minutes to dig up a small iron box. Before he could, I snatched it and peeked into it. The flash disk was still there. It was like a mountain left my shoulders.

 

 _“Great job… we…”_ Before I could finish I heard my phone buzzing with a text message so I went to get it. There it was, simple two words made the whole text: _Get out._

 

 _“Barnes? We must leave! Now!”_ I shouted back to the bathroom and jog straight to the door, only briefly stopping in front of a wardrobe where I took a backpack and two guns.

 

There was no time to change the clothes or get a better gear, we hopped straight into the car.

_“What happened?”_ Bucky asked as he closed the door behind him.

 

 _“One of my people from HYDRA send me a warning. Baal is probably onto us. Call the airport that we are coming.”_ I passed him my phone as I stepped on the accelerator only in my slippers.

 

With the traffic, it took us almost an hour to get to one of the more secluded airports. Nevertheless, our plane was sitting on the runway and the crew was waiting outside. I put the iron box in the backpack and pulled out both guns. I handed one of them to Barnes.

_“Let´s go.”_ I opened the door and head straight to the plane soon followed by James.

 

As we were walking down the runway a sudden feeling of an anxiety hit me like a wave. I turned to Barnes.

_“Something is off…”_ I didn´t even get a chance to continue when the bullet brushed against my shoulder.

 

 _“Sniper!”_ Barnes didn´t hesitate for a second as he forced us both to run.

 

All of my concentration was now on the plane. The distance was just around 80 metres, but with nowhere to hide, we were like sitting ducks… or zig-zag sprinting ducks. Our only luck was the strong wind which was making the sniper´s shots more inaccurate. After another few meters, I noticed that Barnes is not by my side anymore, so I looked back. To my horror, he was lying on the ground, maybe 15 meters away, red stain on his stomach slowly growing bigger and bigger. My eyes darted back to the plane… It´s too risky to go and save him, I should just get on the plane. But instead of the brain, my legs went to the action and before I knew it, I was moving back to get him. With such a weight of an unconscious body, I wasn´t as agile as it was needed, so it wasn´t a surprise when one of the bullets finally found its place in my shoulder. With a sheer luck, we managed to get to the plane and up the stairs. The crew looked scared.

_“What the hell are you waiting for? Get us in the air!”_ I barked as soon as I closed the door behind us and lay Barnes down on the sofa.

 

 _“We have to wait for the wind to wear off a little bit, it´s too dangerous to take off now.”_ Captain said.

 

I lifted the hand with a gun and pointed it at his head. _“You still think, that some wind is the most dangerous thing around here?”_ My little theatre worked because he promptly went to start the engine.

 

 _“Get me a first aid kit. And vodka, now.”_ I said to the stewardess. After that, I went to Barnes. His lifeless body was on the white leather couch, the red colour staining it fast. This only confirmed my worries, his injuries were bad. Even with the heightened healing abilities, the bullets in the stomach are no joke, possibly deadly because of the blood loss.

 

 _“Barnes? Can you hear me?”_ No reply. _“Come on James, don´t you dare to die on me too.”_


	11. One head shorter

The panic started to form in my chest.  _What should I do?_  I was very good at putting bullets in people but treating the wounds with a fucking first aid kit? Not so much.

 

 _“I need you to call the Avengers, ask for Banner.”_  I sharply said to the stewardess as I ripped Barnes´ shirt to examine the wound.

 

Fortunately, it was a plane provided by Stark, so it wasn´t really a problem to get a video call from a plane in the middle of the storm. At first, video only showed an empty conference room, but after a split second a familiar face of Bruce appeared.

 

 _“What do you need…”_  He started calmly until he comprehended what he was looking at.  _“What happened?!”_  His voice raised with fear.

 

 _“Baal´s men were waiting for us at the airport… there was at least one sniper. We were running down the runway and… I don´t really know what happened. They must have got him while I wasn´t paying attention.”_  My voice sounded strangely weak.

 

Suddenly, the stewardess entered the discussion.  _“We saw it from the plane, they were running towards us under fire. Mr Barnes moved behind Miss…”_  She apparently didn´t know my name.  _“to cover her back.”_

 

For once in my life, there was a nothing, no snarky remark, no comment, no statement on that situation.  _He did what?!_ To make things even worse, behind Banner´s head appeared the face of Rogers and Stark.

 

 _“Bucky…BUCKY!”_  Rogers almost immediately lost his mind.

 

This all was happening really fast, they were screaming at each other and the only thing I could do was to press on Barnes´ shot wounds.

 

 _“Shut up… shut up all of you.”_  My voice finally regained its sharpness.  _“Banner, I need you to tell me what should I do. The shot went through and he is losing too much blood.”_

 

My angry command interrupted them and without a second of hesitation Banner started to instruct me on what to do. I followed his directions carefully and tended to the injury as best as I could.

 

 _“This is not a fix. It just buys Bucky more time. We need to get him on an operating table as soon as possible.”_  Banner exclaimed.

 

 _“It´s kind of a long way back to America, will he make it?”_  I asked.

 

 _“Well… it will be a close call, but we can´t drop him in any hospital. Many factors need to be taken into consideration due to the serum. His best shot is here.”_ Bruce took off his glasses and wiped a sweat from his brows. It was quite clear that his prognosis would be much harsher if the Rogers wouldn´t be present.

 

 _“Turn the plane, Shanghai is much closer. Get us there.”_  I instructed the stewardess.

 

 _“Shanghai? Why?”_  Rogers asked.

 

 _“There is a big HYDRA facility. I was treated there several times, the doctors are familiar with enhanced humans and it´s much more closer.”_  I replied.

 

 _“NO! You are NOT taking Bucky to HYDRA. Was this your plan all along? How to get him again?”_  Captain America was clearly deeply shaken by the recent events.

 

 _“What makes you think that Baal would track you down there?”_  Stark asked calmly.

 

 _“He eventually will track us down ANYWHERE. There at least, I will have a manpower to face him and Barnes´ chances will be much higher.”_  To me, it was the only logical way how to proceed.

 

 _“No. We won´t let you take Barnes to HYDRA.”_  Steve continued as I was getting more and more frustrated with his attitude.

 

 _“It´s not your place to decide that, really.”_  With that, I went to the TV and punch a hole in it.  _“Turn the plane over, I will come and tell you the coordinates.”_

 

 _“Mr Stark will have to approve…”_  Stewardess started.

 

 _“For god’s sake woman, go tell the pilot. Or I WILL kill all of you and fly the plane myself.”_ Wasn´t I scary anymore?

Fortunately, I WAS scary. With a gun in my hand, furious look and blood all over me, I probably scared that woman for life. But she did what I asked her to do. In Tony´s jet, it will take only about an hour to get us there, so I had just a short time to notify the base that we are coming.

   

HYDRA wasn´t just a bunch of amateurs, so as soon as we landed in China a team of doctors with all of the equipment were waiting for us. They transferred us to the base and moved Barnes into surgery immediately. Only then I remembered that I also got one hit. The bullet was still lodged in my shoulder, but with all of the adrenalin rush, it didn´t even hurt. Nevertheless, I let the doctors take care of it while we waited for news of Winter soldier´s condition. After around five hours, they finally took him from the OR to a room and one of the surgeons came to me to give me the updates. He also offered another room for me to rest, but I refused it. Instead, I went to Barnes room and sat on a chair in the corner, watching his lifeless body surrounded by hundreds of tubes and other medical nonsense.  _He took a fucking bullet for me, that old fool._

 

My eyes flew open, immediately confused by the surroundings. Then the memories started to flood back. Barnes was still breathing, so I calmed myself a little bit and fixed my position on the chair.

 

 _“Who permitted you to take a pet home?”_  Sounded from the door.

 

 _“Anthony… What the hell are you doing here?”_  I recognised the voice of my superior before he stepped into my field of vision.

 

 _“I´ve heard what happened… Why did you bring him here? To save his life? You are growing softer.”_  He mocked me.

 

 _“He is THE Winter soldier. We need strong allies if we want to have a shot against Baal.”_  I shot back.

 

 _“Allies? Your duty is to HYDRA, don´t forget that.”_  He continued.

 

 _“And as a HYDRA alone, we don´t stand a chance.”_  I replied.

 

 _“Because YOU picked a weak ally. Baal was willing to side with us.”_  Anthony came closer to me and leaned against the wall.

 

 _“You are suggesting, that we should side with Baal? After what he did? I was okay with an experimentation on me because I wanted to learn more about his plans and I didn´t want to endanger HYDRA. But Anthony, he is after the virus… even the last HYDRA Council knew, that that´s something we do NOT play with…wait a moment. How were you able to get here so fast?”_  Something started to smell fishy.

 

 _“I knew as soon as we intercepted activity in your Seoul´s home that you were hiding something from us. Is it there?”_  He nodded towards the bag that was by my side the entire time.

 

 _“And you´ve told Baal where will he find us…”_  I continued, ignoring his question.

 

 _“If you have your father´s research, they won´t need you for the experimentation. And Baal told me, that he will forgive you for your rash behaviour.”_  He peeled off the wall and started to approach me again.

 

 _“You son of a bitch.”_  I pulled myself to my legs.

 

 _“Come on (Y/N). It´s for the best. If you insist on keeping that… wreck”_  he nodded towards Barnes  _“we can wipe him again and you can do with him whatever you like. As I recall you always had a soft spot for super-soldiers.”_

 

_“You are out of your mind. Baal is just using you, he will kill us all. How can you be so stupid? Is it because of your power hunger?”_

 

 _“We can´t beat him. It´s for the best if we are in his favour. And if you still want to be HYDRA, you will do as I command.”_  Anthony was now standing just a meter away for me.

 

 _“And that´s the thing, Anthony. I´m sick of your commands and your bad leadership. I think it´s time for a change.”_ Slowly, I pulled a gun from my back pocket.

 

 _“You are threatening me? If you kill me, the rest of the heads will banish you. They will order a death warrant on your head.”_  He laughed.

 

 _“No. They won´t. They are too scared, they will accept whatever silly explanation I will give them.”_  I raised the hand with the gun.

 

 _“Wait. You can´t be serious. We are on the same ship!”_  The gravity of the situation finally started to get to him.

 _“Are we? You sold me out to the Baal, thankfully rest of the council respond to my distress call and asked Avengers for help. You didn´t know they went behind your back, did you?”_  I asked when his features grew even more surprised.

 

 _“They are not satisfied with your leadership. HYDRA´s goal is not the destruction of the humanity. Humans need HYDRA to lead them, not to assist some lunatic with their extermination. Hail HYDRA, Anthony.”_  With the last words, I pulled the trigger.

 

From one meter, there was no chance of missing Anthony´s head. Soon the alarmed medical staff arrived and I coldly instructed them to get me in contact with the rest of the HYDRA´s Council and… clean the mess.

 

The rest of the heads accepted my story of a self-defence. We all knew it was complete bullshit, but for the sake of the decorum... They also presented me with their unanimous vote which made me a new main head. A director of HYDRA. It took quite a lot of time to persuade them about Anthony´s ill nature, but finally, HYDRA was under my command. And I didn´t hesitate for a minute. Anthony´s strategy against Baal was practically not existing as was his managing skills. It took us all almost four hours to devise at least some sort of a “frame” for our next moves, but it was worth it. After that conference call ended, I went back to Barnes´ room. With all of the resources at my disposal, it´s was easy to arrange a transport back to the Avengers´ compound.

 

As soon as we landed, the Avengers´ doctors took Barnes away.

 

 _“Thank you.”_  Rogers joined my side.

 

 _“He probably saved my life, this is the least I could have done for him.”_  We both went to the doctors.

 

Inside the compound, I met the rest of the Avengers. Without a word, I handed the flash disk to Banner.

 

 _“Also, there was a change in HYDRA´s leadership. So, as a new director, I would like to propose the truce between our organizations once again.”_  I addressed all of them.

 

 _“What happened to Anthony?”_  Stark asked.

 

_“An accident. Some of the heads don't need a replacement.”_

* * *

A/N

There wasn´t much of a Bucky/Reader action in this chapter, but I will make it up to you in the next one. Reader owes Barnes quite a big “Get well soon” gift after all.


	12. Noli me tangere

Since there wasn´t any HYDRA headquarters, it didn´t matter where I spend my time. So, I decided to stay in the Avengers compound. Of course, my logical explanation was, that I need to be of assistance to Banner, who was now going through my father´s work. But some part of me also wanted to make sure, that Barnes will make a full recovery from his injuries. Maybe Anthony was right and I grew softer.  _Yuck_. Thanks to the great medical care and the serum, his condition improved every passing day. Soon, he was moved to his own room. I was afraid to go visit him during his stay in the infirmary (but I often “accidentally” passed through that area). The thoughts about our first encounter after the accident plagued my sleep. So, one night, after the toss no. 523 I decided, that I have to face my fear and go see him now. After this matter is resolved, my good night sleep will undoubtedly return. So, I throw off my blanket and covered only in my pyjamas I strolled to his door and knocked. What didn´t occur to me in the heat of the moment was the time, I was so absorbed in my sudden determination that any rational thinking was thrown out of the window. The reality of my absurd behaviour struck me only after Barnes opened his door, clearly half asleep.

 

 _“What... what are you doing here?”_  He asked as he suppressed the yawn.

 

 _“I…”_  Inside my head was completely blank. Only thing I could register was the bandage on his stomach.  _“You are not wearing any t-shirt.”_  I stated the obvious.

 

 _“You came to check what I am wearing to bed?”_  He leaned against the doorframe, looking at me curiously.

 

 _“What? No… I came to thank you.”_  I finally managed to get out of me.

 

 _“Couldn´t this wait until the morning? You never came down to the infirmary to visit me, so what´s up with this sudden gratitude?”_  In his voice, I registered a slight hint of… disappointment.

 

 _“Why did you do it?”_  Instead of an answer, I shot a question.

 

 _“I have no idea. Instinct, maybe?”_  He replied.

 

 _“Yes, of course… instinct.”_  My voice sounded even more disappointed than his.  _“Well… thank you again. And I´m sorry for waking you up. To be honest, I was scared to face you since the reasons for your actions were completely incomprehensible for me. I didn´t know what to say…how to react. Gosh. I´m really not good at this “thank you” speech.”_

 

 _“You could at least draw me a “Thank you” card. And buy me some “Get well soon” balloons.”_  He joked.

Corners of my mouth moved a little bit.  _“It seems, that I owe you for my life. The only valuable thing that I can offer you now is an apology. As a director of HYDRA… I´m sorry. I´m sorry that they forced you to do all the things against your will, I´m sorry for causing you so much pain, I´m sorry for taking your memories, your life and your happiness. And I´m also sorry for thinking of you as a mere weapon and not a human being.”_  And thank goodness it was so dark.

 

Barnes was staring at me, completely dumbfounded by my speech.

 

 _“I went to cover your back because I didn´t want you to get hurt.”_  He said after a while.

 

Even though the darkness was surrounding us, my eyes locked with his. We both searched in each other gaze for…  _“something”._ Answer? Permission? Reassurance?

 

 _“James…”_  My voice cracked.  _“I have to go.”_  I turned on a heel and walked towards my room. My thoughts were running wild, so I almost tripped over a small coffee table in the living room.

 

Before I could curse the living shit out of the piece of a furniture someone´s hand landed on my shoulder and spun me around. There it was, a face I tried to run away from, now I was forced to look at it in the dim light of the living room. My voice left me completely and my breath hitched in my lungs when Barnes pulled me closer to him, closing a gap between us. There it was. The last chance to escape, to do the reasonable thing and avoid the biggest mistake of our lives. But it was too late for us, as soon as our lips connected, all the sanity disappeared from the world. My hands grasped him and drew our bodies even nearer if it was still possible. Neither of us was willing to break the moment and we would probably have stayed there until the morning if it weren´t for very audible  _“ehm”._

 

 _“This is not what I expected.”_  Rogers' voice sounded kind of harsh, forcing us apart.

 

 _“Steve…”_  Bucky started.

 

 _“I… have to go.”_  My strategy was to clear the field as quickly as possible.

 

After I shut the door to my room I took a deep breath.  _What have I done? What the hell have I done?_  My inner chaos was disturbed by a knock on the door.

 

 _“James…I…”_  I started but as soon as I opened the door, a certain blond man was standing behind them.

 

 _“May I? I think we need to speak.”_  Rogers didn´t wait for my reply and forced himself in my room.

 

 _“Captain…”_  I started but was immediately cut off.

 

 _“No. Listen to me now very carefully. You can´t do this. I´m happy that he is interested in girls again, but it can´t be you. Your organization hurt him, broke him and he won´t ever be able to forget it if you are near to remind him all the time. He deserves a beautiful, innocent girl which will help him deal with his past. You are none of it. HYDRA broke his mind and I would rather kill you than let you broke his heart too. You do NOT deserve him and if you care for Bucky even a little bit, you will let him go, make him hate you again. It will be easier for everyone.”_  Captain America was always such a gentleman, kind even to me, but this time it was different.

 

His words were like daggers. It forced the tears in my eyes, the feat that no one accomplished for years. He too was clearly surprised by my reaction, so his features grew a little bit softer.

 

 _“Please, try to be reasonable. Bucky is the only family I have and I want him to be happy. He needs light in his life, someone normal. You are not the light, you are the darkness. I understand that you two might have something in common and that you bonded over it, but this is madness. Not to speak of the fact, that you have a target on your back and if Baal finds out there is someone you care for, he will surely go after him.”_  He continued.

 

 _“With all due respect, Captain. James is NOT normal, you are NOT normal, none of us is a normal human being. There are things that civilians won´t ever understand. We are both adults, it´s not your place to interfere.”_  I tried to defend myself.

 

 _“Let me make something clear. You will make him hate you again. You will stay in the compound until he detests you again, only after that can you pack your things and leave. If you don´t do this, I will make sure HYDRA finds out about you two and I can´t even imagine how big of a blow will your reputation receive if your beloved HYDRA learns the truth about their director having an affair with an asset. Your position is still pretty fresh and this is something your enemies can easily use against you.”_  His voice was icy cold.

 

I knew he was speaking the truth. My opposers would rip me to shreds over this.  I had to sit on the edge of my bed.  _What should I do?_  If I act on my feelings, it will ruin my position in HYDRA, destroy Barnes´ and Captain´s friendship and endanger James himself. On the other hand, If I push him away now, he will never forgive me, but he will be relatively safe. It was like a stupid Shakespearean tragedy. And we all know how that ends. Julie dies, Romeo dies… not something I was willing to risk. I always laughed on their naivety, stupid decisions and their inability to think logically. Now, it was up to me to prove that I´m not weak as them, that I can sacrifice my selfish desires for both of us. It was the same situation when HYDRA send me to Baal. What I want is less important than what is a right thing to do.

 

 _“Fine. I will do it.”_  I tried to sound determined, but my voice was just dull.

 

And without even noticing, tears started to stream down my face. Rogers was taken aback absolutely. For a moment, he nervously stepped on his place and after that, he moved next to me on the bed.

 

 _“I´m sorry this is how it must be. But it´s for the best.”_  He hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder.

 

After another twenty minutes, I was finally able to pull myself together a little bit and I break our hug as my hand wiped the tears from my cheeks.

 

 _“If you ever tell anyone what you just saw, I will kill you.”_  My voice was back to normal at last.

 

 _“Naturally.”_  He stood up and walked towards the door. Before he exited them, he turned.  _“Thank you.”_  And after that, he left.

 

My back fell on the bed, tomorrow morning will be brutal.

 

\---

 

As I expected, in the morning Barnes was all smiles and a good mood. Everyone expects me and Cap were surprised by it, but they didn´t question him at all. I managed to avoid him the whole morning, but it was clear that initial confrontation is inevitable.  It came after the lunch, when I was passing him in the hall he suddenly turned and forced me into an empty room by its side.

 

 _“You are avoiding me?”_  He questioned as soon as the doors behind us closed.

 

 _“Yes.”_  I said simply.

 

_“Why?”_

 

 _“Because of what happened yesterday.”_  Was my answer.

 

 _“I KNOW it´s crazy and we should know better, but… I´m glad it happened.”_  He continued as he was closing on me.

 

 _“I´m not. It was a stupid mistake… I don´t know why I did it. Maybe lack of sleep clouded my judgment.”_  I raised both of my hands to stop him.

 

 _“What do you mean a “mistake”?”_  He stopped, confused.

 

 _“Oh, my poor soldier… What do you think? That I have feelings for you? No. You were looking kind of hot in your pyjamas and I was a little bit curious. Nothing more.”_  This was surely performance of a lifetime.

 

 _“You can´t deny that there is “something” between us. You didn´t kiss me just because of your “curiosity” there was more to it, much more.”_  He refused my statement.

 

 _“You are out of your mind! I´m a director of HYDRA. I will be a complete laughing stock for all of my colleagues if I start something with an Asset.”_  It was time to pull out the big guns.

 

The notion, that it will be embarrassing for me to have something with him finally snapped his mode.

 

 _“Are you kidding me?”_  He pushed me to the wall. I knew this was my opportunity.

 

 _“You should see your face right now. Are you in love with me, soldier? How can a grown-up man be so stupid? You are just a broken toy to me. It was fun to play with you for a moment, but now I have other things to do. So back off!”_ Leonardo DiCaprio was a good actor, but hell, today I was the star.

 

His metal fist flew next to my head and ended up buried deep in the wall. He was pissed, extremely pissed.

 

 _“You are a liar!”_  He shouted.

 

 _“And killer and a horrible person. But at least I´m not pathetic as you.”_  In Mortal Kombat the screen would now show “Finish him! Fatality!”.

 

He dislodged his arm from the wall an angrily rushed out from the room. As for me, I stayed there. Pressed against the wall with a huge hole next to my head. Then I saw something by the door, it was Captain America. His features saddened, he offered me a slight nod and after that, he went after Bucky.

 

From this moment, the atmosphere in the compound changed. Everyone knew that something bad happened between us, but they also knew that it was a bad idea to step into that fight. It was now Barnes´ personal mission to make my life a living hell. And he was good at it. Flirting with all the staff girls, he probably even tracked my morning schedule, so he could parade his “last-night-catches” through the kitchen when I was making breakfast. All I wanted to do, was to throw that whore out of the window, but the only thing I could do was to sport  _“I don´t care look”_  I managed to master.

 

 _“Can you be a darling and make a coffee for me and my doll?”_  He chirped when he entered with a long-legged model from the last night.

 

 _“Of course, how much spit do you like in your coffee?”_  I retorted.

 

 _“Honey, who´s this bitch?”_  The model pressed her hand against his chest and twirl the other one around his waist, while she shot an angry look towards me.

 

 _“You have five seconds to get her out Barnes, or you will wipe her brain from the floor.”_  I grunted.

 

 _“Come on doll, I will get you a car.”_  Fortunately, even now he knew that I meant every word of my threat.

 

After that, they both left and I sighed loudly.

 

 _“I´m sorry, I never imagined he would behave like this.”_  Captain probably saw everything from the shadows of the hall.

 

 _“Please, I don´t want to talk about it. I´m busy.”_  With that, I left to my room.

 

It was true. All of my focus was now on the HYDRA. My mood was bad, so HYDRA proceeded quite ruthlessly in its plans. But it also bore results. We managed to plant a few agents into Baal´s close proximity and locate several of his laboratories. Banner and I also made some progress in the laboratories. The more my personal life went to a hell the better everything else was. One evening, during another awkward dinner a loud “bang” sounded from outside. We all hurried to investigate, only to find two figures standing on the grass. I recognised them almost immediately. Thor and his brother Loki. Stark went to them and they spoke for a few seconds, after that they all looked at me. Well, that can´t be good. After that, we all went back into the compound and Thor started to speak.

 

_“Friends, as you all know the Asgard was briefly under attack from the dark elves. During that attack, our prison was compromised and a few prisoners have escaped. We just recently found out that even one of the most dangerous of them escaped.”_

 

 _“Let me guess, Baal.”_  Wilson said.

 

 _“Yes. He was locked there for so long that everyone has forgotten about him. After his escape, he apparently found out that on Earth there is someone who survived The Sickness.”_  Thor continued.

 

 _“The Sickness?”_  I asked, not really liking where this is going.

 

 _“Billions of years ago, a life was created. But the one who created it also designed a way how to end it – The Sickness.”_ Loki took a word.

 

 _“Baal wants to conquer the entire Universe with the help of The Sickness. He thinks, that he can tame it and use it for his own goals.”_  Thor spoke again.  _“And for that, he needs to find out the way how to survive The Sickness.”_

 

 _“So, he needs me.”_  I finished. My eyes instinctively searched for Barnes and it wasn´t that hard to spot him since he was already looking at me.

 

This was a little bit too much for me. The fact that Baal wanted to endanger Earth was one thing, but the fact that he wanted to use me against the whole Universe?

 

 _“Do you have any solution?”_  Stark asked.

 

 _“The easiest one is to kill her.”_  Loki said and my heart dropped.

* * *

A/N

Another brutal chapter for Reader. Steve once again tried to decide what is best for a poor Bucky and failed miserably. Is he going to help with the fixing of the mess he created? Stay tuned.


	13. Payback time

I was up on my feet faster than lightening. Numbers were against me; the nearest exit was around ten meters away. While I was assessing the situation around me I failed to notice that Barnes also got up to his feet and started arguing with Loki. Soon after, the room was filled with quarrelling, until a booming sound of Thor´s voice cut us all.

 

_“Calm down, of course, we would never harm Lady (Y/N). My brother was just… joking.”_ Thor exclaimed.

 

_“No, I stated the easiest option.”_ Loki disagreed.

 

_“Let´s rule out the killing. HYDRA, please sit down again.”_ Wilson joined the discussion.

 

I shot a pissed look towards Loki and sat back on the sofa.

 

_“Our main goal is now to keep Lady (Y/N) out of the Baal´s reach.”_ Thor said.

 

_“It might be a little bit too late for that.”_ Banner added.

 

_“What do you mean?”_ Thor asked.

 

_“Baal was able to do some experiments on her.”_ Stark explained.

 

_“What? How stupid can you humans be? Don´t you get how serious this is?”_ Loki snapped at us.

 

_“We didn´t know what he is after. And if I might add… It is clearly your fault that he is running free right now. You E.T.s couldn´t even make sure that he stays locked up.”_ I decided to fight back.

 

_“You doltish woman, you have NO idea what you´ve caused.”_ Loki fired back.

 

_“What is… E.T.?”_ Thor interrupted us both and we just uncomprehendingly turned our heads in his direction.

 

_“It´s a fictional alien character from…”_ Vision started.

 

_“I´m god, not an alien.”_ Loki cut him off.

 

_“God of what? Incompetence?”_ I added.

 

_“Stop it for a Christ sake.”_ Stark stepped into the centre of the room. _“We have to resolve this.”_

 

_“We can presume that Baal already has all the basic knowledge of The Sickness and he also has all the medical results and samples. And that´s why he didn´t make any direct moves against Miss (L/N) lately.”_ Banner said.

 

_“So… he basically has everything he needs to succeed.”_ I said quietly.

 

_“He still might need you. From now on, you can´t be alone. We will take turns and you will be under 24/7 surveillance.”_ Stark said.

 

I didn´t really listen to his last sentence. I went with Baal willingly, it was ME who handed him the loaded gun. This was all my fault, even though that back then I thought it was a right thing to do. This realisation hit me pretty hard.

 

_“So, now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds…”_ I uttered bitterly.

 

Stark looked at me curiously, it was clear that he and Banner at least understood my reference. This sentence was famously linked to Dr Oppenheimer himself.

 

_“I need a moment. You can tell me later what you´ve come up with.”_ I turned to leave when I spotted Black widow walking in my direction. _“Let´s do this “bodyguard” think after I come back, okay?”_

 

To my great surprise, they let me go. I went straight to my room and locked the door behind me. Few really deep breaths calmed my mind. But the state of serenity was soon replaced by a wave of rage. I pushed all of my things from the table and punched the wall. _Why me? Why the hell it has to be me?_ My body slumped on the ground. I need to pull myself together, it has always been me against the world. I survived The Sickness, I´m not some fucking pushover. Come on (Y/N), it was YOU who tamed The Sickness if anyone shall conquer something it better be you. With this little pep talk, I stood up again, unlocked the room and went straight back to the living room. Stark´s strategy wasn´t anything shocking. They will keep an eye on me while they try to track down Baal. Thor and Loki were quite confident, that together, they will be able to best him. After this emergency meeting´s end, some of the Avengers disappeared, some of them stayed in the living room chatting. I decided to go and fix myself some dinner. When I closed the fridge I almost head bumped into Loki. That sneaky bastard. My eyes scanned the surroundings, the rest of the Avengers was still in the living room which was connected to the kitchen, but in the kitchen part itself, it was just me and him.

 

_“What do you want?”_ I passed him to the kitchen counter.

 

_“From what I understand, you are not an Avenger. But your affiliation is with… much more open-minded organization.”_ He started.

 

_“Continue.”_

 

_“We both might appreciate the power which can be obtained through the proper handling of The Sickness.”_ Dark-haired god said while closing the distance between us again.

 

_“It´s too risky.”_ I retorted.

 

_“Not with my resources and knowledge. Which can I offer in return for your assistance.”_ He was sly as a fox while almost whispering his offer to my ear.

 

Finally, I´ve turned to face him. _“You know, I remember you from your little show in Germany. You´ve said that humanity craves subjugation, that we were made to be ruled.”_ I whispered.

 

In the blink of the eye, I caught his forearm and twisted it VERY painfully. He was standing too close to me for his own safety, now there wasn´t any chance how to escape my iron grip. While maintaining an eye contact, I forced him down on his knees. He tried to resist quite valiantly I must say, but there were just two options for him, either kneel or get his arm badly broken. He was a clever man, he chose the first option. While he was on the floor I lowered my head to whisper in his ear.

 

_“If there is a time when I decide to take the Universe itself, I will take it. And be sure, that you will be put into an obedient state where YOU belong.”_ After that, I released the deathly grip.

 

He stood up quickly with a furious…and slightly impressed expression.

 

_“Who are you?”_ He asked, measuring me from head to toe.

 

_“Just a doltish woman.”_ I repeated the insult he used earlier.

 

Smirk was now playing on his lips as he backed me into the kitchen counter and placed both hands on the desk behind me, trapping my body between the counter and him.

 

_“This might be a lot more interesting than I thought.”_ His voice was again like a velvet.

 

Before I could punch him in the stomach my peripheral vision caught a sight of a movement on our left side. Both Barnes and Rogers were staring at us.

 

_“Loki? What are you doing?”_ Rogers slowly asked.

 

A shadow of anger passed the feature of my captor before he put an arrogant smile on his face.

 

_“I just introduced myself to this lady. We have a lot in common.”_ With that, he retreated his hands and stepped back from me, but his eyes once again fell on me. _“We shall resume this conversation in… more suitable time and place. If you excuse me.”_ After that he left the kitchen, haunted by suspicious looks from the two super soldiers.

 

I cleared my throat and without addressing the incident that just happened I resumed the preparation of my dinner.

 

_“You should be careful around him. He is up to no good. Try to avoid him next time… maybe it would be better if you don´t talk to him at all.”_ Captain started behind my back.

 

He probably wanted to warn me about Loki, but without realizing it, he struck a nerve. The knife I was holding in my hand went flying into the sink while I turned to face him.

 

_“Are you telling me what to do again, Captain? I had enough of you, sticking your nose where it doesn´t belong.”_ I growled angrily.

 

Both men were taken aback by me, lashing out like that. But hey, it was a bad day for me and I had just enough of the bullshit. All I wanted to do was to go back to my room and sleep. But when I was passing Rogers, he suddenly grabbed my hand. And that was probably one of the biggest mistakes of his life, because of this attempt to stop me send my rage into the sky. I haven´t even thought about it while my body moved to an action which ended with a loud “crack” in Captain´s upper arm. His pained shriek cut the air. Barnes immediately moved and yanked his friend from my grasp. He supported Steve while giving me the deadliest look ever, but that didn´t bother me at all. I was still looking on the Captain himself.

 

_“I was willing to consider your misgivings about me and Barnes. Hell, I did what you asked me to do and gave you back your old whoring friend. But this is it, don´t you dare ever tell me what should I do and remember, if you ever lay a finger on me again, it will be your neck not just an arm.”_ My voice was menacing, finally letting out all the anger I felt towards the perfect Steve Rogers, a man who told me I wasn´t good enough for his friend.

 

Speaking of THAT friend, Bucky was clearly confused by my statement.

 

_“Steve? What is she talking about?”_ He asked his friend, while he helped him to a bar chair.

 

The rest of the Avengers started to flock into the kitchen, alarmed by Roger´s scream. The audience was something I wasn´t in favour right now, so I pushed myself through the crowd and went straight to my room. After the door behind me closed, I just let my body fall on the bed. I was so tired. With the last ounce of a strength, I pushed the button “on” on my gramophone. Elgar´s Cello Concerto by Jacquelin du Pre, how perfectly dramatic and fitting for my current situation. The lights in my room were all switched off, so it was just me and the music. When I finally felt like my body is starting to drift off a loud knock disturbed me.

 

_“What?”_ I said harshly, not bothering to even lift my head.

 

_“I want to talk to you.”_ James. Of course.

 

_“Go away.”_ Although I wanted to sound crude, my voice failed me a little bit.

 

My eyes stayed fixed on the ceiling while I heard the door click. I refused to acknowledge the weight that was suddenly next to me on the bed.

 

_“Steve told me everything. I´m sorry.”_ The voice on my side spoke.

 

_“And?”_

 

_“I would have probably punched him, but he was in a lot of pain already.”_ James said.

 

_“I´m not going to apologize for that.”_ My voice sounded a little bit like a stubborn kid. I hated that.

 

_“You don´t have to.”_ Barnes wasn´t exactly a talkative type, so he was probably lost on words by now.

 

_“If that´s everything, you can go. I´m tired.”_ I gave him a way out.

 

_“I will stay.”_ He dismissed my offer.

 

_“Why?”_ Finally, I tried to at least look at the direction where he was sitting.

 

Suddenly his face appeared in my field of vision, he propped himself on his metal arm so he could lie down next to me and still see my face.

 

_“Because… You are not okay after everything that happened today.”_ He said calmly.

 

_“No. I´m not.”_ I admitted.

 

Without any other word, he then wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. All the fight I had in me for that day was already used up, so I let him do that.  My face was now pushed against his chest. After an awkward moment, I threw my hand over his body. Low rumble emitted from his chest as he chuckled. When it was confirmed, that I won´t kill him for his insolence, he rested his chin on top of my head. I prayed he didn´t notice my fingers grabbing the back of his t-shirt. Although this situation might seem perfectly serene, my mind was far from a peaceful state. The thoughts about the conversation with Loki kept resurfacing. He might be right, now it´s not a time to play things safe. Avengers will never approve testing beyond theoretical phase. But if someone should crack the mystery of The Sickness, it can´t be Baal. _It has to be HYDRA_. That way at least I would be in control again.

* * *

A/N

Well, reader sure is sick of playing the damsel in distress. I think it´s a time to take the reins of HYDRA´s command and get things (and I haven´t meant to write “things” here:P) done. Baal deserves a worthy opponent after all.

 

For the reference to Dr Oppenheimer in this chapter, earlier I saw quite a chilling video on YT – it´s just a short clip (around 1 minute) where he talks about the thoughts he had on his creation – atomic bomb. Check it if you are interested, just by searching up his name in YT, you should be able to find it. Also, it has a further meaning for the future of the reader – because although Dr Oppenheimer´s creation is surely dangerous and can be devastating for the entire human race, it is said that it also contributed to the ending of WW II (of course, there are also opinions that it didn´t). But this is directly linked to the change of reader´s mind on the matter of experimenting with The Sickness.


	14. One of these mornings...

The morning came too early for my liking. _Did I forgot to turn on the A/C or why is it so hot today?_ I wanted to stretch my arms, but soon my hands met an obstacle. Finally, I opened one eye to peek on my surroundings. There it was. The source of the heat and the wall which was preventing me from sprawling across the bed. More precisely, there HE was. Barnes, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

 

 _“Well, look who´s finally up!”_ He started.

 

 _“You are still here?”_ I opened the second eye and murmured.

 

 _“And who´s fault is that? Your grip is truly iron-clad. I would never have guessed that you are cuddly type.”_ His smirk was growing by every second.

 

 _“What? Liar!”_ Unexpectedly, I felt offended that he dubbed me as some sort of a clingy girl.

 

 _“Yeah, I couldn´t even get up to get some water.”_ He faked a nagging tone.

 

I could have almost felt my cheeks getting red, so instead of a reply, he received pillow in his face. This action led to a quick pillow fight. The whole situation was like a scene from a romantic comedy, not my usual morning at all. But at least, now I had an excuse for a slight blush that had crept on my face. Our little fight ended when Barnes suddenly grabbed my hand and yanked me to his chest. He didn´t waste a minute and used my distraction to move in for a kiss. Not to mention, I didn´t exactly fight against it. _Don ´t we all sometimes need an absurd morning like this?_ After a while, it really started to look like the Winter soldier is up to no good, so I decided to stop him right there.

 

_“Aren´t you getting a little bit ahead of yourself, Soldier?”_

 

 _“What do you mean? I thought the whole “engagement first” is very 1940´s and not so modern right now.”_ He said with a boyish smile.

_“That´s not it. Although, your latest rendezvous might have given you a wrong impression of girls in the 21st century. It´s about us. What are we doing? We both know, that this is a bad idea. Driving car with no breaks and no steering wheel bad idea.”_ My old over-thinking self was back to ruin the moment.

 

 _“But it would be one hell of a ride.”_ Barnes clearly wasn´t giving up that easily.

_“Did I mention that the car is on fire and there is a cliff 20 meters ahead?”_ I continued.

 _“You just described our lives. And they wouldn´t change no matter what, even if we decide not to peruse whatever this is.”_ He motioned back and forth gesture between us.

 

 _“I´m HYDRA. And I will be HYDRA. Are you sure you are okay with that?”_ For some reason, my mouth went completely dry while awaiting his answer.

 

 _“HYDRA took everything from me. But that wasn´t you. You didn´t make me into a Winter Soldier. Someone else did and they are dead now. HYDRA won´t take away anything else from me, not even you.”_ He clearly understood that this was important for me to hear.

_“You will be the death of me, Barnes.”_ My voice involuntary lit up a little bit.

_“Don´t worry, I will be with you till the end of the line, doll.”_ He chuckled.

_“Do not try to doll-me up, that old-fashioned sweet talk doesn´t work on me!”_ To be honest, I just remembered that he usually called his “conquests” dolls and I refused to be paired in with them.

 

 _“Alright, ma’am. I will try to think about something else. How about a dinner today? A proper date for a proper lady?”_ He offered.

_“How about 8 pm? Don´t be late.”_ I suggested.

 

 _“Roger that.”_ He smiled as he stood up from my bed and went to the door. _“See you later, my dear.”_ He winked as he exited the room.

 

For a few moments, I just sat on the bed, still realizing what the hell happened. Then I remembered my yesterday’s plan _. Oh yeah_. HYDRA needs to take control of the research. But this is easier said than done. It will be quite challenging to get them the samples and the orders when the Avengers are watching my every step. After that, a light bulb popped over my head. I had a plan.

 

An hour later I was ready to go, so I went to Stark´s office, to inform him that some situation at HYDRA needs my immediate attention.

_“We can send Vision and Hawkeye with you to escort you there.”_ Stark offered.

 

 _“Actually, how about Mr Rogers, if it´s possible? We should probably sort things up between us after yesterday´s events. I feel a little bit bad for my inappropriate reaction and this can give us some time to talk about it.”_ I lied.

 

 _“Steve? Alright, I can ask him…”_ Stark agreed without realizing that I asked for a Rogers for one simple reason. Everything was going according to my plan.

 

It was rather simple. Captain America was pissed at me. He wouldn´t use that _EXACT_ word. He was… ANGRY with me. That means he probably wasn´t very keen on an idea of babysitting me, so the possibility that I might get some unsupervised time with my subordinates was biggest when it´s him, who´s escorting me to the HYDRA´s base. Luckily, he didn´t refuse Stark´s request (probably because he felt it´s his duty to guard the world´s most imminent threat), so in less than an hour, we were sitting in a car, deadly silence between us. He had a splint on his arm and even though we were confined to such a small space, he didn´t even spare me a glance. Overall the whole ride was just an uncomfortable experience for both of us.

    To my great disappointment, during our stay in the HYDRA base, Rogers was stalking me like a shadow, so I wasn´t able to pass any commands without his knowledge. At our way back to the car a sudden idea struck me.

_“Would you mind to be here for a minute longer, I need to see one of my doctors.”_ I stopped in the hallway.

_“Doctor? Are you feeling unwell?”_ Rogers stopped too.

_“No, no, no. It´s not that. It will be really quick, you can, of course, come too. But… how shall I put it.”_ I looked down on my toes, pretending to feel embarrassed. _“Me and James… might take things on a “next level” soon, if you know what I mean. So, I should probably get certain “pills”.”_ I gave him a significant look.

 

This tactic will probably never fail me. As soon as Rogers realized that I was referring to the “making of a baby super soldiers”, he got really uncomfortable and murmured something like _“I will wait here.”_ At last, I was free to go to the laboratories and instruct our head scientist about our newest strategy.

 

One of the biggest advantages of being HYDRA´ s director was, that no one questioned my decisions now. I told them what to do and they obeyed without questioning anything. I told them to take the samples, my father´s research and go to the most secluded area they can find. There won´t be new supplies or staff after the experiments begin. The location will be sealed off completely and all the information and results will be encrypted by the latest coding and send only to my personal account. Of course, the head of the security was also instructed to blow up the place whenever the situation gets out of the hand, but that wasn´t something the personnel working there should know. Satisfied with my actions I let them handle the details and before I knew it, I was back in the car with Captain America, heading back to the Avengers compound. When I checked the clock, it showed 6 pm already. It will be a close call, but we should be able to get back before eight. A small smile passed my lips.

 

 _“I still don´t approve.”_ Rogers suddenly said.

 

 _“I still don´t care.”_ I replied.

 

 _“If anything happens to him because of you, there won´t be a place on this Earth where you will be safe.”_ He continued his threats.

_“If there is anything that would want to cause him harm, it will have to go through me first.”_ Suddenly, I felt very over-protective. So much so, it truly surprised me.

 

After that Captain America remained silent again, but he also seemed a little bit less “angry” with me.

Something was off. I knew it as soon as we reached the house. Staff was running around and all the lights were on. We didn´t have to say a word as both me and Rogers quickly exited the car and moved to the main living room. There, we found Stark, Romanoff, Thor and Vision.

 

 _“What happened?”_ Rogers asked before I could open my mouth.

 

 _“We got a lead on where Baal keeps the main research lab.”_ Stark answered.

 

 _“What? HYDRA got a few agents inside Baal´s team, but neither of them was able to get that location. How did you manage that?”_ Something wasn´t right.

 

 _“He made a mistake, we intercepted one of the e-mails send from there. It was just a mail order of some chemical supplies, nothing important, but the quantity speaks for itself_.” Romanoff took the word.

_“Barnes, Loki and Wilson went to investigate. This is a chance we cannot miss.”_ Stark added.

 

 _“You send someone in there? Are you kidding me? Why didn't you consult this with me? I could have told you that this could be a trick to lure us out. You don´t know how bad guys play when they play dirty, don´t you? Think Stark, what would you take if you want something from your enemy? You would take something or someone they care about. Baal knows that you wouldn´t leave your teammates behind…”_ I was furious.

 

 _“I´m sure everything will be alright, Miss (L/N).”_ Vision tried to calm me down.

 

 _“And that´s exactly how I know, it won´t be.”_ I retorted.

 

 

* * *

 

A/N

 

Sorry guys it took so long for me to update this story. A lot of things happened to me in the last two weeks. I had to pass my state exams to get my master degree and day after I moved from Europe to China, so I was super busy! I´m so sorry again, I hope you will like this chapter and I promise that next chapters will be packed with action:P


	15. Date night

 

I was pacing around the room for hours. No updates, no contact, even once “so sure, it will be okay” Tony Stark started to look a little bit flustered.

 

_“We should send one person to check the situation.”_ Banner broke the silence.

 

_“One person? That´s quite a crappy idea, don´t you think so, doctor? Are you the one who volunteers?”_ I retorted.

 

_“Miss (L/N) is probably correct, the success rate of this kind of mission isn´t very high right now.”_ Vision supported me.

 

_“Be calm, my friends. I´m sure my brother has the situation under control.”_ Thor was still under the delusion that nothing bad happened.

 

_“Your dear brother probably already betrayed us.”_ I wasn´t in a mood to listen to his fairy tales.

 

Fair-haired god turned to me, his posture a little bit menacing. _“Forgive me, my lady. You don´t know my brother very well. Yes, he made some mistakes but at the end, he will do the right thing. I know that.”_ He tried to defend Loki´s honour.

 

_“Please, spare me. He will cross us the minute it will be advantageous for him.”_ I refused to be intimidated by him.

 

_“We should all calm down.”_ Black widow tried to prevent further conflict between me and Thor.

 

Before I could tell her to go and put her advice where the Sun doesn’t shine, ringing tone of my cell phone stopped me.

 

_“Yes?”_ I picked up the phone and barked.

 

_“Director (L/N), one of the agents in Baal´s hideout confirmed that they just flew over three members of the Avengers.”_ Voice of my subordinate informed me.

 

_“Alright. Send me the coordinates.”_ Angrily, I slammed the phone on the table. _“Well, Baal got them and he already flew his new prisoners to a different location.”_

 

_“We have to go and get them.”_ Stark was by my side in the seconds.

 

_“Will it be enough if we all go?”_ Banner asked.

 

_“Some backup will be nice, HYDRA?”_ Stark turned to me.

 

_“Are you kidding me? I can´t assign my people to Avengers rescue mission. But I will go with you.”_ I suggested.

 

_“That´s too dangerous, we don´t want Baal to get you.”_ Natasha joined the conversation.

 

_“Look, I can match Baal´s power and if they do not knock me up from behind again, I won´t go down that easily. You need me, so let´s not have this pointless discussion and let’s get ready.”_ I retorted. Normally, I wouldn´t volunteer for such a suicidal mission. But Baal got James.

 

Instead of arguing, she nodded her head and we all went to get our gears. To be honest, I looked like their poor cousin when we all gathered in the living room. My equipment wasn´t done in the flashy colours and its cut didn´t really emphasise certain curves of my body. It was simple, black and very functional. Got two knives, one in my boot, one on my belt, two guns a few smoke bombs etc. the standard stuff… I should be okay. It took us two hours to get ready and to fire up the chopper and head in the direction which I provided. We landed a few hours later, three kilometres away to avoid being shut down from the sky before reaching our destination. The facility itself was easy to find, it was at the exact location my people send us. After the perimeter was secured, we split into smaller groups of two. I was paired with Rogers. We quickly headed towards one of the doors leading inside the hideout. On our way, we met few guards, nothing too exciting. As we soon find out, from the outside, the complex looked quite small but inside we found elevators going down fifteen floors.

 

_“It will take us hours to scout this area. And something is jamming the location device Stark gave us.”_ I tossed the little electronic piece aside.

 

_“We should split to cover more ground. Will you be okay?”_ Rogers asked.

 

_“Are you kidding me? You just dance around here, it was me who took all the guards on our way here.”_ I raised one of my eyebrows.

 

_“It has to be a quick action. We are limited in numbers. When they call for reinforcement we are done for.”_ Captain America continued.

 

_“Once again. This is not my first rodeo. Let´s split, I will take floors -15 to -7 and you the rest. We will meet in an hour by the door we used to enter this hellhole. Should I draw you a map?”_ I fired back.

 

_“Alright. An hour.”_ He took one of the elevators and disappeared from my sight.

 

At last, alone. I can focus on finding James now and stop pretending that I care about the other guys. Loki and Wilson can rot here if it was up to me. My body moved to the other elevator and my fingers pressed the number -15. Although this was a dangerous mission and I was feeling uneasy because of James, the thrill and the adrenaline was something that I missed since my days with Avengers.  Number fifteen isn´t apparently my lucky number, it was heavily guarded but there wasn´t any trace of James whatsoever. Baal´s men were quite good, most of them I could pinpoint to certain mercenary groups. They were no joke but still couldn´t match my pace. When I was out of the bullets, I just took one of their guns and continued. The 9th floor looked promising. There were cells alongside the hall, but it was mostly just thick iron doors, so I had to burst open every one of them. When I got to the number _“better be this one, or else I quit”_ my luck finally caught up with me. There he was, beaten, shackled in strong iron chains attached to the stone wall.

 

_“James?”_ I was by his side in the blink of the eye.

 

He slowly lifted his head to look at me. Before he could say anything, I kissed him. It was extremely spontaneous, but I couldn´t really stop myself. After I gathered my composure again, my hands grabbed the chains and plucked them from the wall. He didn´t say a thing when I helped him free his body. After the shackles hit the ground next to our feet, I hugged him.

 

_“This is where you take the girl on the first day, soldier?”_ I said jokingly.

 

Since I was embracing him I couldn´t see his face, but his hands wrapped around me, maybe a little bit too tightly.

 

_“I´m sorry, let´s get out of here.”_   His voice was unreadable.

 

My eyebrows a furrowed a little bit. Maybe his mood was a little bit off because of what happened. I didn´t want to force him to talk about it.

 

_“Alright. We should take the way I already cleared.”_ I suggested.

 

_“No, I remembered a shortcut while they were dragging me into the cell.”_ He dismissed my plan almost immediately.

 

_“Fine, lead the way.”_ I agreed.

 

He was taking us further and further into the depths of the facility. The guards were more frequent too, but they didn´t really stand a chance. James´ fighting was… ruthless but also very effective. There just was this feeling I couldn´t shake off, the feeling that something isn´t right.

 

_“James, stop. Are you okay? I don´t think this is the right way.”_ My steps went silent behind his back.

 

For a moment, he didn´t move at all, but after a few seconds, he turned to me.

 

_“I just don´t want to see you hurt, that´s all. There is a private elevator in front of us, that will take us to the surface. Don´t worry.”_ He offered a smile small with his explanation.

 

_“Alright, if you are sure…”_ But as soon as he turned his back on me again I moved the knife I had on my belt into my sleeve. Better be ready than sorry.

 

The next room we entered was large. Some sort of a big boiler room. Before I could ask anything, Barnes slammed the door behind us and his metal hand went flying to my shoulder. Thankfully, my senses were on high alert so I jumped back before he could hit me.

 

_“What the hell they did to you, James?!”_ I shouted.

 

_“My order is to capture you. I was told you think that I´m someone named James Barnes. My superior wants you to know, that he is dead. I killed him.”_ His voice was icy cold.

 

_“For fuck's sake. Did he wipe you? Snap out of it and let´s go home while there is a still chance to salvage our date. This is a kind of foreplay I don´t really enjoy.”_

 

This was not looking good for me. Barnes was now in a full Winter soldier mode and he did not really care if he hurts me or not. On the other hand, my only option was to knock him off and get him out. Discretely, I checked my guns, only around five shots left. _Fuck._

 

_“How about a dance soldier?”_ Maybe with the trigger words, I will be able to gain control over him, but before I could start, he took from his pocket two small metal disks and placed them above his ears. I could only guess that they were made to block the sound, so nothing I say gets to him. Not the trigger words or my pleas.

 

After that, he launched his attack. Soon I fired all of my shots, only getting a small scratch on his side. My only option now was a knife. I knew that this weapon is Winter soldier´s speciality and soon I was bound to find out why. He fought differently from James. More recklessly, more aggressively and with his weapon of choice, I was soon forced into defence. I tried to get an upper hand with my strength, but I also was quite cautious about not dealing a potentially deathly strike. This handicap turned out to be my downfall. When I changed the direction of my charge from his heart to his hand at the last second, he grabbed my forearm with his metal arm and pulled me to the side with such a force that I stumbled forward like a clumsy child. He used this to kick my feet from under me, which led me to hit the ground pretty hard. I tried to get away from his reach as quickly as possible, but James´ weight was on me faster than I could move to the safety. He was now sitting on my stomach, knife in his hand pointing at my throat. My own hands moved upwards to prevent his strike, but Barnes´ whole weight was pushing the knife down with the help of the gravity. My fingers wrapped around his, trying to keep the blade away from slicing open my neck. His position was very advantageous and Winter Soldier´s metal arm was extremely strong. I had to change the strategy, my grip loosened a little bit and just before the blade pierced my throat I forced it down, so it buried itself deep in my chest under the left collarbone. Before James could react, I jerked the knife out and tossed it away. That served as a distraction because he looked at the direction of the disappearing blade. In this moment, my bloodied fingers found a way around his neck and squeezed it tightly. He tried to fight me off, but my grip was iron-clad. Instead of further attempts to release himself, his hands wrapped around my neck too. Slowly, we were both getting red in the face. I was looking deep into his eyes, it was James but at the same time, it wasn´t. Our bodies were slowly reaching its limits and as I was observing his features, my hands hesitated for a second. Big mistake. He managed to inhale a little bit oxygen before I could crush his windpipe again. This boost gave him the power he needed to apply even more pressure. Stars appeared on the edges of my vision. The blood loss and oxygen deprivation started to take a toll on me at last.

 

_“James, please...”_ My lips moved silently in the final plea. After that everything went black.  

 

* * *

A/N

 

This showdown was long overdue. Poor Reader was in a disadvantageous situation, maybe if it was the other way around, things would end up differently.


	16. Tabula rasa

Pain. That was the first thing I noticed after I regained the consciousness again. My throat hurts, my chest hurts, my wrists hurt, my head hurts… When I opened my eyes, I was almost blinded by the bright light of the unfamiliar room. _Great._ Now my eyes hurt too.

 

_“Where the hell…”_ I tried to shield my vision, but it turned out to be an impossible task to fulfil.

 

My hands were tied up behind the chair I was sitting on. What was even worse, my legs were tied up too. Slowly, memories started to flood my mind.

 

_“Finally awake?”_ A velvet-like voice spoke next to me.

 

_“Loki…”_ I grunted.

 

_“So, we can conclude that there is no permanent damage from the lack of oxygen, good. Your dear lover went little overboard with his actions. We specifically told him to just… capture you.”_ He continued.

 

_“We?”_ I fought the need to close my eyes again and instead, I stabbed Loki with my gaze. _Gaze, for now, the blade will come later_ … I thought to myself.

 

_“When you refused my generous offer, I had to adapt to the new circumstances. Of course, I was very displeased that we won´t be working together, but now it seems that we still might get the chance after all. Baal was very persistent about getting you on our side. What an interesting turn of events, don´t you think?”_ Loki was clearly enjoying this a little bit too much.

 

_“You could save yourself the trouble. I´m not looking for a new partnership.”_ I frowned.

 

_“On the contrary, you should reconsider the partnerships in which you are currently involved. Just look at yourself. Baal had told me, that a few months ago you were the best of the best and now? Getting beaten up by one brainwashed puppet. That´s a big disappointment. Why settle on a mere human when you can cooperate with gods?”_ He was selling team Baal better than fucking Horst Fuchs does the teleshopping blenders.

 

_“I chose him because unlike you, me or Baal, he is decent… being.”_ My voice remained calm.

 

_“See? Even you have to admit that you don´t belong together, not to mention that in the state in which he is right now, he doesn´t care about you at all. Let´s make this easier for us, stop playing the part of star-crossed lovers and start behaving like yourself again. You want power, we can offer it. The only thing in your way is that pathetic feeling.”_ He rested his hands on the armrests and lowered his head to my level.

 

_“For how long were you practising this speech? Do you also have written version? Some b-rated movie might use it as a script. “_ My lips twirled into a smirk.

 

_“Oh… I hoped you would be defiant.”_ He was now smirking back at me, his face only centimetres from mine. _“It will make things much easier for me and… more fun.”_

 

This is probably going to get pretty ugly, pretty fast… Before I could come back with a snarky reply, he turned his head and shouted:

 

_“Barnes!”_

 

The blood in my veins turned icy cold as I watched James enter the room. But he didn´t approach us, he just stood there next to the door with a completely blank expression on his face. Loki turned his attention back to me.

 

_“You know, he told us everything… everything about you. Another mistake on your part. You underestimated me and you also insulted me. Be sure that I don´t forget nor forgive. I will put you on the chair, I will wipe your mind clear and then you will serve me as a mere tool, nothing more. The thing you detested about Barnes the most will become your own destiny.”_ His voice turned from velvet to a dripping venom.

 

_“Seriously, are you rehearsing these dialogues or do you speak like that all the time?”_ I prayed he won´t see the droplet of sweat dripping from my temple.

 

_“Enjoy this attitude while you can. The more you spoil my mood, the more you will suffer for it afterwards.”_ He then turned to Bucky. _“Soldier, take her to room with the chair.”_

 

I hoped that the transfer would be my chance to escape, but they were one step ahead of me. In Bucky´s hand, I saw the syringe. There was nothing I could do to prevent the needle from puncturing the skin of my neck. Soon, I could feel my limbs going numb. After another few minutes, James went behind my back and undo the restraints that were chaining me to the chair. I really wished I had enough strength to put up at least some sort of fight, but Winter soldier just lift me up like a ragdoll. My eyes found his when he carried me out to the hallway.

 

_“James, snap the hell out of it. It´s not fun anymore.”_ But his eyes remained cold, no trace of the James, only a Winter Soldier.

 

He refused to acknowledge any of my pleas. He continued to drag me through the dark corridors, only the sound of his combat boots hitting the ground filled the air around us. It took approximately another fifteen minutes to reach our final destination. The room was big, with THE chair in the centre. Except for me and Barnes, there was also a couple of technicians, Baal and Loki.

 

_“Miss (L/N), we are very glad you could join us here today… I know that this is not an ideal solution, but I believe once we get rid of your unwanted emotions, you will be unstoppable. We will be unstoppable.”_ Baal said instead of a greeting.

 

_“Once you make me your slave you mean?”_ It was still difficult to speak, but I channelled all of my energy to mutter this sentence.

 

_“Well, it might seem like it from your perspective. But as for me, I´m saving you and your talent. You saw what these feelings did to you. There is no chance that Winter soldier alone should be able to best you in the combat. Your strength and stamina are by far superior, thanks to the improvements your father did on the serum and yet, you lost the fight.”_ While he was speaking he came to Barnes and me.

 

_“Should we start?”_ Loki said impatiently. 

 

_“Yes…yes… Soldier, get her on the chair.”_ Baal ordered Bucky and he eagerly followed his command.

 

_“James, this is the last chance. Please. I know you can fight it. Please, fight it for me… and you.”_ As he was strapping down my arms and legs, I decided to give it one last shot.

 

In the romantic movies, this would be the moment in which he would finally come back to his senses, beat the bad guys and save the girl. But no, my life was never meant to be a love story. It has always been a spectacle of a bloodshed, pain and disappointment. This wasn´t supposed to be any different. Instead of a grand heroic scene, the soldier just looked at me with a deadly stare and shoved a gag into my mouth. After that, I could only watch as Baal gestured him to the control panel. Of course, he will make James, no, Winter soldier wipe my mind clear. Before I could do anything else, familiar searing pain seized my body.

 

I tried to stay focused. Keep my mind on my memories, the bad ones, the good ones. I tried to recall the moments I spend with James and so on. Soon, I realized that it´s like trying to patch a crack on the side of the Titanic with a fucking duct tape. While my mind focused on one memory, I lost ten others. My thoughts were drowned in a blinding pain which was relentlessly inflicted upon me. Then they started to tell me some words, but I wasn´t sure where I heard them before. _Did I ever hear them? Where am I? Who the hell am I? Why are they still shouting those words at me? All I wanted was to make them stop, but I couldn´t even remember who are “they”._ There was nothing else, only the words and the pain. Then it all stopped.  

 

* * *

Hi beautiful! 

I´m so sorry it takes me so much time to update, life is just too crazy these days. I hope you are doing great (or at least better than the reader:D)


	17. Roommates

_“Rozbřesk, sníh, domov, stanice, radost, červený, kořist, studna, sedm, vodní přehrada.”_ Some voice recited next to my side.

 

 _“Rozkazy?”_ My mouth moved on its own, as my voice responded to the words.

 

Finally, I looked around the room. Right in front of me stood a raven-haired man, his face looked cold but his lips were curled up to a big smirk. _Is he my enemy? My friend?_ I had no fucking idea. But something was compelling me to fulfil his commands, maybe he was my superior. Behind the control-desk was standing a menacing looking man with a metal arm _. He was the one who caused me the pain?_ Immediately, I felt really angry towards him.

 

 _“Subject?”_ My wandering eyes were brought back to the raven-haired man when he spoke. _Why was he referring to me as a “subject”? Don´t I have a name? But why can´t I remember?_ Every time when I tried to search my mind for some answers, an uncomfortable jab of pain went through my body.

 

He leaned to me and tore off the bonds which were tying me down to the chair.

 

_“Kill him.”_

 

He pointed at the man behind the control panel. At the same time another man, little bit older yelled the same command on the metal-armed man. I didn´t waste a second, with a full speed I leapt from the chair and run towards my target, he was standing, prepared for my assault. Although my first strike was blocked with an ease, the sheer power of my blow forced a man to stumble backwards. He tried to switch to offence, but he was too slow, too weak. I was told to kill and there was no way he could ever stop me. I took his metal arm and swung his entire body across mine, with a loud crash he landed on the ground. Before he could move a muscle, I was on top of him, finally noticing a knife on his side. I kept him so occupied he wasn´t able to reach for it just yet. Well, his mistake. Now, I ripped the knife from his side and pointed it down to his heart. He managed to stop my hand mid-air, well… not stopped per se. The blade kept going down, he was only prolonging the time between the inevitable. At least that´s what I thoughted, then he completely took me by surprise when he gripped the blade with his metal arm and crushed the knife with his hand. That one moment, in which I was trying to comprehend what just happened he used to twist his metal hand and punch me straight in the face. Immediately, I could tell that he fractured my jaw and my nose was full of blood. That bastard. His assault made me fumed with rage. I knew it was a risky move, but I used my elbows to hit his ribcage. The loud cracking sound told me, that I was successful in breaking some of his ribs. Kudos to him for not making even the slightest sound, it must have hurt like hell. But even though he didn´t verbally express it, the results of my blow were written all over his face. I won. Before I could lend the final strike, I was stopped by a voice.

 

 _“That´s enough, subject. Stand up.”_ Without a second of hesitation, my legs moved on their own as I rose up to my feet.

 

The raven-haired man came to my side.

 

 _“I´m very impressed, but that will have to do for today.”_ He was now standing in front of me, inspecting my face. _“Guards will take you to the medical unit to get this treated, we don´t want to ruin that pretty face of yours.”_ Then he proceeded to touch my face, I really didn´t know why I allowed him to touch me, why I didn´t break his arm for his actions? But instead of any act of disobedience, I simply nodded.

 

 _“Good.”_ He smiled again.

 

After that, I followed one of the guards down the corridors, noticing that two others are helping that metal-arm man. Both of us got our injuries checked and then treated, after that they escorted us to our “room”. Apparently, the guy I almost killed moments ago was now supposed to be my roommate. To my great distaste, our room was small with only two beds and a little bathroom. Space provided no privacy at all. With a dissatisfied sigh, I sat on one of the bed and watched as the guards helped the other man to his. When they finally left an uncomfortable silence spread between us. There was nothing to do, nothing to keep your hands busy. Except for those two beds, the bedroom was completely empty. My roommate was lying on his mattress, eyes closed. In that moment, my stomach grumbled. Wow. I don´t remember when was the last time I ate…and where I ate… and what I ate. _Why can´t I remember anything?_ As my mind was working a painful sting went through my brain, my hand instinctively flew to grab my temples.

 

 _“Don´t.”_ Sounded from the other side of our little room.

 

 _“What?”_ I asked.

 

 _“Don´t try to think about your past.”_ My roommate muttered.

 

 _“Piss off.”_ I replied.

 

After that, he didn´t try to talk with me again. Luckily, I was soon distracted by the opening doors. There, stood a guard holding one bottle of water and a small plate with food. He placed both on the ground behind the doors.

 

 _“There is only one portion, there are two of us.”_ I told him.

 

 _“Well, it seems that one of you will be hungry tonight.” Guard_ chuckled. _“My money is on you, so kick Winter soldier´s ass and we will both be happy.”_ After that, he quickly shut the door behind him.

 

Great. The guards are apparently betting their wages on our fight. While I was thinking about the fact, that I´m a mere part of a cockfight for them, the “Winter soldier” tried to get out of his bed. Quickly, I stood up and moved closer to the plate and bottle. Unfortunately for him, his injuries rendered him much more immobile then me.

 

 _“No, no, no, pretty boy. It´s time for you to go on a diet.”_ I picked up the tray with food.

 

 _“You can share.”_ He simply said.

 

 _“Or you can die, that way this will turn into a single bedroom. Win-win for me.”_ I responded.

 

 _“You will pay for this after I get better.”_ His voice was getting angrier.

 

 _“That´s kind of a big talk for such a weakling. If you want to threaten me, you will have to do much better.”_ This wasn´t exactly kind of my vision of an evening fun, but better than staring at the wall.

 

 _“Watch your back.”_ He concluded.

 

After that, he closed his eyes again. I ate my dinner in silence, just a minute before the lights went out. The darkness and silence were a little bit chilling. The feeling of complete despair washed over me, but there was nothing I could do right now. Not until I get some information… about everything. I can't trust anyone, only myself. _Right?_ With these thoughts, I fell asleep.

 

 In the morning, I was pleasantly surprised that my jaw and nose was healed completely. The noise from the bathroom forced me to look in that direction and there he was – my roommate, Winter soldier or something like that, half-naked with a towel wrapped around his waist. His chest was apparently also healed and… well, if I filter out everything else, it wasn´t a bad view to wake up to.

 

 _“Are you going to drool?”_ He asked me mockingly, snapping me back to the reality.

 

 _“Do you want to visit a doctor again?”_ I replied.

 

 _“Is it a challenge?”_ His voice was icy cold.

 

 _“Are you afraid? You have lots of abs but still, your punches are light as fuck.”_ Quickly, I stood up to face him.

 

We were both glaring at each other and this situation would have possibly turned into a fight, but we were interrupted by the doors flying open.

 

 _“You are both awake, perfect.”_ The raven-haired man entered the room. Then he paused for a moment when he saw us. _“Is there something wrong?”_

 

 _“Not at all, someone just likes to talk big but has nothing to show for it, right?”_ I responded, but my eyes were still fixed on the Winter Soldier.

 

 _“Come here, now.”_ The black-haired man commanded and my legs moved to his side. There, without a second of hesitation, he slapped me across the cheek. _“Your remarks do not interest me, understood? You are here to serve our cause, subject. Next time, your punishment won´t be so light.”_

 

I wanted to hit him. I really wanted. But for some reason, I couldn´t. My hand refused to move and my lips started to move on their own. _“Yes, understood.”_

 

 _“Good girl. See? It´s not that hard to obey me.”_ His angry face changed into the smirked in a split-second. _“You and Winter soldier are busy today, I´m sending you both to a mission.”_

 

* * *

This chapter is a little bit of a build up for the action that will follow this in the next chapters. Also, I was thinking about adding a little bit of a Loki/Reader to this story, what are your thoughts on that?


	18. First kill

_“Your mission is pretty simple today, one kill and one abduction. Some of our enemies still don´t understand how serious the situation is. Here is the file on the assassination.”_ He handed us both a simple brown envelops. I quickly went through its content, pretty standard info – where and when we can expect the victim, some photos and so on. _“But, I would like to emphasize that the one to pull the trigger is supposed to be a Winter soldier, Subject will be there only as a support. And also, make it a show a little bit, we are not trying to be discreet with this.”_

 

 _“Him? With all due respect, but why am I only there as a support?”_ I tried to ask as politely as I could.

 

 _“Do you want to question my commands?”_ His voice was laced with threat.

 

 _“No, sir.”_ Was my reply.

 

 _“Good, you are leaving in 30 minutes.”_ With that, he left the room.

 

 _“Don´t get in my way.”_ Winter soldier said coldly.

 

 _“Don´t trip over your own legs.”_ I spat back.

 

I was a little bit angry that my role was diminished to be only a support. We both knew who won the hand-to-hand combat and I was pretty confident, that my skills with guns are also better than his. Guards got us a combat suits and weapons just a moment after the raven-haired man left the room. At this point, I didn´t even care about the privacy anymore and I changed right there beside my bed. Without any words spoken, we both got ready and after that, we waited for guards to escort us to the vehicle.

 

 _“Our target should be at home, it looks fairly easy.”_ I started.

 

 _“Hm.”_ Was his only reply.

 

I shook my head and proceeded to stare out of the window. Woods soon turned into the city lights as we approached our destination. It was a nice house, nothing outstanding. We both got out of the car and entered the building. Apartment 217 was on the second floor. Getting in was not a problem too, we immediately split and covered the flat. Our target was nowhere to be found, but something was telling me that she was just hiding. Winter soldier signalled me to join him, then he pointed to the big closet. He started to slowly approach it and I just had to involuntary roll my eyes, quickly I pulled my gun and fired three shots at the closet. With the suppressor attached to the muzzle of my gun, the noise of the shots was kept to the minimum.

 

Winter soldier furiously turned to face me. _“What did you do?”_

 

 _“You are too slow. We are not in a fucking movie; our job is not to sneak around…”_ I would continue my lecture, but I was interrupted by the sound coming out from the closet.

 

A blond girl stumbled out of the closet, dropping a gun on the floor, clutching big bloody stain on her lower abdomen. The moment she registered us the remaining blood was drained from her face.

 

 _“Bucky?”_ She stared at the Winter Soldier.

 

He was frozen on the spot by her voice.

 

 _“For the Christ sake…”_ I cursed when I went around him and grabbed the blond by the collar of her shirt. _“Peek a boo, honey.”_   I continued as I dragged her to the nearest chair, where I tied her up and taped her mouth shut. She still had some fighting spirit in her, but her resistance was pointless.

 

After that, I turned to the Winter Soldier again.

 

 _“Can you move your ass a little quicker? It has to be you who will kill this princess, so hurry up before she bleeds to death.”_ I watched as the Winter soldier snapped back to the reality and with a hesitant step, he came to my side. _“Here…”_ I offered him my knife.

 

He took it and continued to the chair. While he was approaching his victim, I looked around the room. Very cosy. On the shelf, there were frames with many photos in them. My nosy nature couldn´t resist and I moved to inspect the photos. On one of them, there was our target with a man, he seemed a little bit familiar. _Is he famous or what?_

 

 _“What are you babbling about?”_ Soldier growled while he cleaned my knife. He simply slit the girl's throat while I was snooping around.

 

 _“She had a hot boyfriend. He seems oddly familiar…maybe he is an actor or something.”_ But to be honest, I couldn´t remember any movie… something felt off again. Winter soldier came to me and looked at the photo I was holding.

 

 _“Steve?”_ His face lit up with the recognition.

 

 _“Who the hell is Steve?”_ My question remained unanswered because Winter soldier immediately grabbed his temples and let out a pained shriek. He stumbled towards the sofa and sat on it. Unsure how to handle a situation like this I approached him.

 

 _“Are you alright?”_ I asked.

 

Silence.

 

 _“Something is wrong.”_ He finally spoke.

 

 _“What? You went nuts?”_ Was my reply. But deep down I had to admit that he has a point.

 

 _“You know it too. Why can´t we remember anything, why am I unable to disobey direct orders?”_ He continued.

 

 _“Let´s discuss this back at the base.”_ I offered.

 

 _“No, we can´t talk there freely. Are you completely sure that they are our allies? They are keeping us there as prisoners, they didn´t explain anything.”_ The soldier looked at me doubtfully.

 

 _“And you are suggesting, that you are my ally? The first thing I remember was seeing you behind the control panel. You were the one causing me all the pain. And now, you said it yourself, you know nothing. So, that´s why I can´t trust you, I can´t trust no one.”_ The one thing I couldn´t say was that I really needed someone whom I can trust. But it won´t be him.

 

With that, we retreated to the car, which then headed back to the base. Winter soldier´s behaviour only grew stranger. On multiple times, I caught him glancing at me with a look I couldn´t explain. His features grew from emotionless to the parade of a whole bunch of different feelings – anger, sorrow and… something else. He was a riddle to me and I desperately tried to solve it, but after the whole ride, I came up with nothing.

 

 _“Report.”_ The familiar voice commanded as soon as we got out of the car.

 

 _“Mission success-…“_ Before I could finish my sentence, something unexpected happened. With my knife in his hand, Winter soldier strike like a snake.

 

The raven-haired man could thank the gods that I was present. My reflections were faster, so before I could comprehend the whole situation my body moved between him and the Soldier. I almost expected that he would just drove the knife to his target through my body, but to my great surprise, he hesitated. That was his mistake as I was able to knock him out to the ground, but even then, he refused to fight me. Other guards quickly came to help me. If the raven-haired man experienced any shock he was hiding it very skilfully, moreover, he seemed quite amused by the whole situation, like this whole incident was a joke only he can get.

 

 _“Take him away, now.”_ He barked on the guards. _“Well done.”_ He turned to me.

 

To be honest, it was probably just reflex. But what was scarier was the fact that I felt like I already experienced similar fight… it was like a Deja-vu. But my guts told me not to show any distress over this.

 

_“Unfortunately, we have to change plans a little bit. You two were supposed to go and get a certain person for me. So, I will go with you instead.”_

 

He smirked and the chills ran down my spine involuntary.

 

* * *

A/N

Well, first kill. Should we continue?


	19. To trick a trickster

_“But you should change your attire first.”_ The black-haired man continued as he critically assessed my combat uniform.  _“We are leaving in three hours, get yourself ready, I will send you something else to wear.”_

 

I couldn´t complain about the prospect of the hot shower, but to go out on the mission without appropriate gear seemed really annoying. Well, it only got worse when the guards came with a long evening gown made in the deep green tones and the accessories.

_“What the hell? Where am I supposed to put my knives and guns?”_ I complained, then I saw the shoes. _“Well, at least I can use these to stab someone….”_ My voice mumbled while I picked the high heels.

 

My mood dropped as I slipped into the dress, it wasn´t because that gown didn´t fit me, but I felt extremely uncomfortable in it. Golden necklace and the bracelet that was sent with the outfit felt more like a shackle and collar than a piece of jewellery. The cherry on top of this make-over experience was an arrival of a very frightened girl, who was supposed to help me with the hair and make-up. To be honest, I might scare her for the rest of her life. When she finally left, I thoughted that I can rest for at least a minute, but I was soon interrupted by the guards dragging unconscious body. It doesn´t take a genius to guess who´s body hit the other bed next. After the guards left the room, I decided to go and check up on him. There was no explanation for my action… _why should I care?_ As I approached the bed, it seemed quite clear to me what happened to him - he was put on the chair. His breath was rigged and his forehead plagued with sweat. Although the motive behind his assault stayed unclear to me, this got me thinking. _Are we really “employees” here or mere captives? Did Winter soldier remember something which then drove his actions? Was I right to stop him?_ Maybe he realized something about our superiors that fuelled his anger beyond the point where he lost the control. But by their decision to send him to the chair they lost even a little bit of the trust I had in them. At the same time, if I ought to uncover the truth I can´t be as reckless as Winter Soldier. He was maybe too hot-headed. Until I piece up enough evidence of my past, I can´t let them know what I´m searching for or that I doubt my loyalty to them.

 

A cough suddenly interrupted my inner monologue. His eyes fluttered open, as he stared at me.

_“Who are you?”_ He asked, his gaze clearly unrecognizing.

 

Slowly, I lowered my head to be at the same level as his. _“Your ally.”_

 

The sound of the doors forced me to quickly stand up from his side. Guard didn´t even bother to speak, he just gestured me to get out and follow him. Waiting outside was a limo and my black-haired jailor.

 

_“This is a very pleasant change.”_ He smirked in his perfectly tailored black suit.

_“You´ve changed your underwear or what?”_ My mouth moved before my brain could process what I intended to say.

 

His smirk froze a little bit. _“It seems you are just meant to be defiant, …pity.”_ His mumble was probably intended to stay unheard, by I caught it while I passed by him to get into the car.

 

When we both sat down in the car the atmosphere grew even heavier. I was looking out of the window while the limo started to move.

 

_“You…”_ He started.

_“Stop it. Stop playing these games.”_

 

_“What games?”_ The raven-haired man sounded almost surprised.

_“You´re are treating me as a pawn, but that´s not what I am. You are also trying to trick me and lure me into a position on the chessboard I did not choose myself. So, stop it.”_ Well, here goes my plan of being cool-headed and unsuspicious.

 

He waited for a moment before replying. _“No, you are not. You are a much more valuable piece. My dear, Sigyn.”_ He extended his hand to caress my face, but before his fingers touched my skin he stopped and retrieved his arm.

 

My body was instinctively backed to the door of the vehicle. _What was the hell happening? What was this “Sigyn”?_ I was pretty sure that this wasn´t my name. My reaction probably reassured him that he should keep his hands for himself.

 

_“Then tell me this, why did you erase my memories?”_ I pressured him when I finally calmed a little bit.

 

_“You used to possess one fatal flaw, a weakness… and apparently, it has been cured. Still, I´m amazed how fast can you piece up the truth without any solid knowledge of the past. I shouldn´t have expected any less.”_ He purred.

 

_“I told you, I won´t be tricked by you, so quit the flattery. There are now only three possible outcomes. The first one – you will kill me, the second one – you will wipe me again or the third – you will continue this charade.”_ I said coldly.

 

_“Which of those do you think are the most plausible?”_ He asked.

 

_“We can cross the first one, if you ever wanted me dead, I would already be dead. So, either way, you will wipe me or not. It seems that you wished for a meek and obedient pawn but now you know that you won´t ever get that from me, no matter if I have my memories or not. But perhaps you need more, you need a victory and that´s something I can deliver.”_ I replied with confidence.

 

If he wants to play tricks on me I might as well play a little game with him too. On the one hand, I´ve admitted that I have certain doubts about him and I will now let him handle these doubts as he sees fit, but on the other hand I won´t actively go against his plans, that will get him to think that he is the one in control. False sense of power and security should be his final downfall if I ever feel the need to bring him down.

    While I plotted my little scheme the car finally reached its destination. It was rather luxuriously looking mansion in the mountains. Nice cars, trophy wives on every step and shitload of security precautions. I took the hand which was offered to help me exit the car and after that, instead of letting me go, my companion locked his arm with mine.

_“Our target is a man named T´Challa. He will apparently attend this fund-raising event. We just need to get him, although he might not go willingly.”_ He proceeded to explain more while he escorted me into the dancing hall, where he just shifted the position of our bodies and prepared for the start of the dance.

_“Why do you want him?”_ I asked when the music started.

 

_“Every pandemic needs its patient X.”_ He smiled as we made our way through the dancing floor.

_“And why did you take me here? It won´t be because of my amazing dancing skills.”_ I smirked.

 

_“He is a rather formidable warrior… He also knows who you are and when he sees you here with me, you have to do exactly what I will tell you now. I will ask him to come with me in exchange for releasing you, of course, he will try to avoid that and heroically save you in progress. When he does that, you will go with him. Pretend you are disoriented, confused and at the end of your strength. He is going to save the damsel in distress, the moment you get the chance, strike. Be quick, finish him before the battle begins. Understood?”_ The raven-haired man explained.

 

_“Yes… just tell me, what is your name-…”_

 

I was going to ask him his name, but the answer came from a different source.

 

_“Loki…”_ The Tall black man suddenly stood next to us.

_“King…”_ Loki offered a bow mockingly.

_“So… it´s true, you wiped her. Let her go, now.”_ The man I guessed was T´Challa ordered.

 

_“Something for something….”_ Loki continued.

 

Before he could even voice his demands, T´Challa attacked. He was quick and very skilled. It was almost believable that he forced Loki into retreat, leaving me behind. I tried my best to look like a child lost in the crowd. My fictional saviour helped me to the backroom, where he sat me down on the sofa. Small part of me didn´t really want to fulfil Loki´s order, but the bigger portion of myself felt the immense pressure to do exactly what he wanted. _Did he also take my free will while he took my memories?_ _Do I even have a choice?_ Without any second thoughts, I used the first opening to strike my target across the back of his head which caused him to lose his consciousness. The rest of the plan was easy, just drag the body to the back exit where the limo waited. Someone took care of the guards on the way. With our “guest” safely tucked in the trunk, I got in the backseat of the car. I still had to think about my inability to disobey a direct order. It seems that this will be the first thing I need to focus on. That was until a foreign hand was placed on my knee. Slowly, I looked from the hand up to the body which was attached to that limb only to see Loki´s ambiguous smile. Suddenly, I wasn´t sure that the upper hand in this game was mine.

 

A/N

I hope you will like this little game


	20. Preventive vaccination

When we got back to the base they immediately took our hostage away. I stood next to the car, unsure, what should I do next. Luckily, my orders came right away.

 

_“You can go to your room and rest a bit, we can resume our conversation another time.”_ The commanding voice sounded next to me.

 

_“Yes, sir.”_ I decided not to test him now with my cheekiness.

 

_“You can call me Loki, my dear.”_ He said with a half-smirk.

 

Maybe he was expecting me to respond or react to his name, but I just turned around and left him. It was still night, maybe 3-4am… _I could get at least some sleep_. The first thing my eyes registered when I opened the room were two empty beds. My senses were on high alert as I spotted a dark figure crouching in the corner. Slowly, I approached Winter soldier whose back was now firmly pressed against the wall. He looked like a cornered animal, his eyes were watching my every move carefully.

 

_“Soldier?”_ I asked quietly.

 

_“Who are you? Where I am?”_ He started to question me.

 

I knelt beside him on the ground. _“I don´t know.”_

 

It was pretty clear that they are monitoring everything that happens in this room, so I got even closer to his ear. Surprisingly, he didn´t punch me straight in the face. “ _I don´t know anything too. My best guess is that they are playing with our memories… We went on a mission together, apparently, you remembered something so they took you away and now you can´t even recall my face.”_ My voice was only a whisper.

 

_“Why should I trust you?”_ He continued.

 

_“Because I´m with you till´ the end of the line.”_ My brain formed that answer rather automatically. _Where the hell did I learn such a cheese line?_ But apparently, it worked since he seemed to relax a little bit.

 

_“Did we have any sort of a plan before?”_ The soldier went straight to the point.

 

_“No… I don´t know why, but I feel like they are pitting us against each other. Without a reason… or with a reason, we don´t really get now. Maybe we used to know each other… before.”_ I pondered.

 

_“Have you remembered anything?”_ He questioned me more.

 

_“No… sometimes I got a feeling that something is familiar… but otherwise… not a single thing.”_ Suddenly I felt very frustrated, my body went numb and just slid next to the Winter Soldier. _“We are fucked.”_

 

_“You said that they send us on missions… Only us?”_ He whispered.

 

_“Yes…”_

 

_“Can we pull MIA?”_ Soldier suggested.

 

_“For some reason… we can´t disobey a direct order. But last time they didn´t include the command to come back to the base... so… maybe it’s possible?”_

 

_“Okay, that settles it.”_ He concluded.

 

_“Fine… now… punch me.”_ My voice quietly commanded.

 

_“What?”_

 

_“They are surely monitoring us, let´s keep them thinking that we are on hostile terms. Fight me until guards break us apart… and Soldier, make it convincing.”_ I waited for him to start but he hesitated. With a sigh, I flung my fist in his face.

 

That snapped him from his hesitant mood. Guards soon came to separate us, overall our performance was, according to me, quite convincing. After that, we avoided any conversation to maintain our little charade. The only flaw in our otherwise perfect plan was that they kept us locked for two weeks, no news, no orders, no missions. To my great surprise, not even Loki showed up in our cell to tease me.  Sometimes, in my dreams, I saw people, murdered by me. _Exactly how many people did I kill during my lifetime?_ Suddenly I wasn´t so sure if I want my memories back. The Soldier had a similar experience, the only difference was that he often screamed and tossed himself until it consequently woke up both of us. The atmosphere in our room was so gloomy that when Loki finally arrived I was almost happy.

 

_“Subject, Soldier I have new orders.”_ He started. _“It´s rather simple, you will escort very precious cargo to one of our new allies.”_

 

_“Yes, sir.”_ We both muttered and readied ourselves for departure.

 

While I was passing around Loki, his hand grab holds of my wrist, effectively stopping me in my tracks.

 

_“Come and see me after you return.”_ He whispered in my ear.

 

_“Yes… sir.”_ Fuck… at least he didn´t specify the time of my return but still, this command might complicate things later on.

 

After that, he let me go. We soon embarked on our journey, the “cargo” was a plainly looking briefcase. Of course, my curiosity for its content was immense. The car took us to a really fancy looking neighbourhood overlooking a big city. If Loki expected any trouble on the road he miscalculated this time. We arrived in a luxurious mansion and two gorillas escorted us inside. There, in the living room was a small party. Rich men and women alike, sipping on fancy champagne and chatting. As soon as we arrived all the attention was on us. We passed the briefcase to a man Loki instructed us. This man didn´t waste a second and open the small luggage immediately. Inside were syringes, filled with a golden liquid, maybe fifty of them? Then the situation changed, all the fancy looking people started to squabble, pushing themselves and fighting to get hold of the cargo. In this I saw an opportunity while pretending to protect the briefcase I move to it and discreetly slipped one of the syringes in my pocket. For a minute, they calmed down a little bit, but as soon as I moved away from the briefcase they started to fight again. All the bodyguards and gorillas went to help their masters. I turned to Winter soldier and nodded. This was our time.

    Without hesitation, we run on the terrace and then continued down to the garden. We were running like crazy, no direction whatsoever. Soon, we got on the road, there we continued to run. After an hour we finally slow down, spotting a car on the sidewalk.

 

_“Let´s take this ride.”_ I suggested, not even waiting for Soldiers approval.

 

As soon as we got in I pressed the pedal on the floor and we darted forward. Soldier meanwhile went through the glove box. There he found some cash, a map and stale sandwich.

 

_“We can use this car for an hour or so and then we are back on the foot. We should find some motel to rest a little bit and decide what to do next.”_ I took the charge once more.

 

_“Alright…”_

 

The car really helped us to put some distance between us and our starting point. After that, we continued our search for a motel on foot. Something was a little bit spooky about this town, there were no people outside and we met only a handful of cars. _What the hell is happening?_ Purposely, we picked a really shabby establishment. No one wanted our ID, they were just happy that we paid them cash beforehand. Our neighbours were junkies, cooking meth and other weird existences, we blended just perfectly. The room was as ugly as the rest of the motel. One bed, old TV, small bathroom and undefinable stench that lingered in the air. We both took turns in the bathroom, our little evening jogging left us both sweaty. After that, we sat on the bed, silently. Then an idea struck me, I went to the TV and turned it on.

    And there it was… everything. Apparently, Loki was the one holding a humanity hostage now. He has some sort of bioweapon. Its destructive power was already demonstrated in New York and its aftermath slowly started to move across the whole US. He was offering an antidote… but not without a price and not to anyone. Thousands of people already died. _Well, that explains why it was so “dead” outside, right_? I turned off the TV.

 

_“Now we at least confirmed who´s the bad guy.”_ Soldier said.

 

_“Yeah… but did we got away just to be killed by some sickness?”_ As soon as the word “Sickness” left my lips a surge of memories flooded my brain. My father, the serum, all of my dead friends… My hands instinctively flew up to grab my temples.

 

_“Are you alright?”_ The man across me asked.

 

_“Y-es.”_ And that’s a lie… I just realized that this is probably all my damn fault. Even though I didn´t know the details how we got to this point, I was sure that I screwed up. Big time. But at the same time, I couldn´t bring myself to tell him.

 

_“So, what should we do next?”_ He let me go easily, even though he probably knew I was lying.

 

_“On our last mission… you recognized a guy. His name was Steve.”_ I remembered.

 

_“You think this “Steve” will help us?”_ He questioned me with his eyebrow raised.

 

_“I think we might have killed his girlfriend. But he is our only solid lead.”_ Time to deliver the bad news.

 

_“Don´t we have anything better?”_ Soldier asked.

 

_“No… let´s start tomorrow. Now, we should get some sleep. Oh and…have you seen that painting?”_ The moment Soldier turned his head to the direction of a piece of “art” that was hanging near the door, I took the syringe out of my pocket and rammed it into his leg, sending the liquid down his body.

 

_"I´m sorry, it´s for your own safety."_ I apologized before he could kill me on the spot.

 

* * *

A/N

Everyone knows that you can´t underestimate preventive vaccination, right? Also, a big reunion with Steve is coming up next. So buckle up, this could get ugly.


	21. To live is to fight

_“What the hell did you just do?”_ He almost kicked me out of the bed.

 

_“It´s an antidote… you would probably fight me over the fact that I want to give it to you, so I just skipped the part where I ask for permission.”_ Well, I have to work on my apologies…

 

_“You know NOTHING about The Sickness, NOTHING about the so-called “antidote” and you think you can just SKIP the part of my permission?”_ He was angry… very angry.

 

There was a moment of silence during which he studied my face.

 

_“Wait… you remembered something?”_ His voice lowered a little bit.

 

_“Yes… enough to know, that you have to risk the antidote. It´s your best chance.”_ I tried to deflect his questioning gaze.

 

_“Care to share?”_ Winter soldier suddenly grabbed my upper arm to pull me closer.

 

_“My friends died from The Sickness, my teenage crush died from it too, they killed my father because of his knowledge…”_ I tried to wriggle my arm out of his iron-clad grip.

 

_“Continue.”_ He commanded.

 

_“I can´t.”_ My eyes were stabbed in the wall behind him.

 

_“CAN´T? WHY?”_ Soldier proceeded to shook my body, trying to force me to speak up.

 

_“I don´t want to, okay? I need to keep my shit together and if I go down the memory lane I just acquired I can´t guarantee just that.”_ My voice was strangely strangled.

 

_“Alright. Did you remember anything about me, anything useful?”_ To my great surprise, he really dropped the subject.

 

_“No… it´s mostly really old memories… all about The Sickness. I know I already had it and I survived. Can we please talk about it another time?”_ The weight of the responsibility of the world´s imminent end was crushing me like a mountain.

 

Finally, he let go of my hand. With wobbly legs, I went to the bathroom to get at least a glass of water. Soldier probably saw how shaken I was so he didn´t push the matter any further. When I came back I saw him trying to get comfortable on the small sofa next to the door. It was probably half of his size and under his weight, it looked as it would crumble any second now.

 

_“Come on, there is a king-sized bed. I promise I won´t grab you or anything.”_ I tried to speak with my normal sarcastic voice, but it sounded even more unnatural.

 

_“It´s alright, you should take the bed. This is fine.”_ In the moment he finished the sentence, the piece of furniture under him finally gave up.

 

Even in my current state, I had to at least smile a little bit on the absurdity of the whole situation. With a sigh, he grabbed his pillow and put it back on the bed. Without any more words spoken, we both lied down on our half of the bed, our backs facing each other. Of course, as much as I wanted to fall asleep, the best thing I managed was to stare into the darkness. When sleep finally caught up with me, it was almost morning. My dreams again were confusing and full of blood, so much so that I would rather escape back to reality than spend another minute in the realm of this “sweet” dreams. First thing I noticed when I woke up was a pair of eyes, staring right at me. It was a strange déjà vu, but things were about to get even weirder.

 

_“(Y/N)?”_ Soldier asked.

 

_“And who the hell is that?”_ I murmured, trying to focus on the face in front of me.

 

Before I could properly wake up, I was suddenly crushed into an embrace so tight I could have felt my soul being squeezed out of my body.

 

_“What are you doing you nasty pervert!”_ I automatically tried to fight back.

 

_“Calm down, calm down… I remembered… I remembered everything. I´m so sorry, it´s all my fault. You came back for me and I let you straight to them. My mind was too weak to fight them and I will never forget myself for it.”_ He continued his babbling, holding me.

 

_“What are you talking about? Let me go!”_ Finally, I was able to push him off.

 

It took another five minutes to calm him down. Then, he started to explain how we met, how we apparently became a “very” good friends and how we both ended up in the Loki´s hands. I listened to his story carefully… _could this be the truth?_ Some parts of his story sounded almost unrealistic, especially the lovey-dovey parts. _Why would I in my right mind get caught up in this?_ He apparently hoped that by telling me the whole tale of “How I met your super-assassin” would jog up my memory, but nothing happened. To say that the Soldier was disappointed by this would be an understatement.

 

_“So, do you know where we can find this... “Steve”?”_ I tried to shift the conversation. This whole situation made me even more confused and uncomfortable.

 

_“Steve…Oh, fuck… I killed Sharon. Steve will never forgive me.”_ He suddenly looked absolutely horrified.

 

_“The blond girl?”_ I asked.

 

_“Yes…But there is probably no other way, we have to go there and meet with the rest of the team. It´s our best chance, I know a way how to contact them.”_ Soldier continued.

 

_“Fine… just do it.”_

 

Before I knew, he was on the phone with someone named “Tony”, after that we just waited 30minutes for the car which took us to the small airport. While walking on the runway a sound of the sniper´s rifle went through my head, in shock I turned, there on the ground was Soldier bleeding out. Then, in a blink of an eye, a memory which just played in front of my eyes disappeared. I remembered that Soldier told me that during one of our adventures he got shot on the runway… _so he wasn´t lying after all?_

    The flight was silent. I tried really hard to avoid Soldier´s stare which proved almost impossible in a small metal bin flying high in the sky. I couldn´t stand it. I couldn´t understand why would he look at me like he did. The only thing that kept me from exiting the aircraft was the fact that I couldn´t figure out where they keep the parachutes. By the time I was seriously considering freefall we finally started the landing. After our plane sat on the ground they immediately moved us inside the facility, there my torture continued. We were both brought to the room full of people, they all stared at us with… mixed emotions? When I thoughted it could not get any worse a man I recognized as “Steve” stumbled into the room. He looked like he had a rough night… or a whole month. Dark circles under his eyes, unkempt hair and stubble on his chin.

 

_“You? You have the audacity to come here?”_ He pointed his finger somewhere between me and Soldier.

 

_“Steve, I´m sorry… I can explain-…”_ Soldier´s voice was cut short.

 

_“Shut the FUCK UP! I saw it, I saw you two walking into her apartment on the CCTV! Just tell me one thing. Who did it?”_ His sudden outburst shocked everyone.

 

For a minute, it seemed that the man “Tony” has something to say (A/N Probably: Language, Captain!), but he soon changed his mind. I looked at the Winter Soldier, his eyes were filled with guilt, apparently, he cares about the man standing before him.

 

_“I-“_ Before the man next to me could say another word, I stepped forward.

 

_“I did it. It was nothing personal, she was a mission.”_ I said to the silence.

 

_“You? YOU? It´s always you. The person who ruins everything, everyone! I will kill you!”_ With the speed of the lightning, he crossed the room and tackled me to the ground. His anger was almost tangible, he really intended to kill me. I had a lot of trouble to keep him in check while trying to stay just defensive. It took five people to separate us and still, he tried to charge at me once more.

    Finally, they managed to get him out of the room to calm him down somewhere else. In the meantime, me and soldier were both seated and Soldier began to tell them everything that happened. Except for Sharon´s real fate, of course. I was silent the whole time, there was nothing I could add.

 

_“Miss (Y/N), you understand that we can´t let you roam freely around this compound, right?”_ I weird red person-like entity ask me.

 

_“Yes, do whatever you see fit to ensure your safety.”_ There was nothing I could do except to let them restrain me.

 

After that, they escorted me to a simple room. One bed, no windows, no furniture besides the bed. When I thoughted that finally, I can have some peace, the door opened again. The soldier was there, with a glass of water and plate full of food – or as I call it “an excuse to question me some more”.

 

_“I thought you might be hungry.”_ He started.

 

_“Skip it, you are here to ask me why I took the blame for the blond´s murder.”_ I sprawled on the bed.

 

_“So, tell me why…”_ Soldier answered.

 

_“Isn´t it obvious? It´s more convenient for all of us. I can´t remember much of my past, but what I know is that I killed a LOT of people, no one would care that I signed under another death.”_ My gaze was stabbed to the ceiling.

 

_“I care.”_ He proceeded to sit down on the edge of the bed.

 

_“Yeah, you told me that there was “something” going on between us. I don´t remember that either. But I could see today that you really care about Steve and me taking the blame ensured that you won´t lose him. I lost my friends and I should have probably died with them.”_ I was really angsty, like a teenager whose parents hope that this is only a phase.

 

_“Don´t say that, please.”_ His voice was almost broken.

 

_“Why wouldn´t I? Right now, I don´t see a point. Even if we manage to stop Loki, still thousands already died and partially it´s my fault. So, tell me this, in the case we win, what should I do? Turn myself to the authorities? Runaway and start a new life? Get a husband, two kids and a golden retriever? Forget that all of this happened? No. I live to fight. And I´m tired of it.”_

 

* * *

A/N

Angsty, angsty, angsty… sorry about that. I thought it´s a time for Reader to finally show some remorse about the past. :D But the question is, is it just a phase?


	22. If I had a heart

After my last sentence, the room grew quiet again. I knew my words probably hurt him, but for me, there was no point in living in this disillusion anymore.

 

 _“You should rest a bit. We are going to be very busy soon.”_ He finally said.

 

My head nodded in agreement. I assumed that he would leave afterwards, but Soldier just moved on the floor and sat down with his back pressed against the bed. There was probably no point in arguing with him about it, so I just turned on the other side and closed my eyes. The content of my nightmares was same as always, old memories drenched in blood, people that are long dead and the ever so lasting feeling of complete despair and confusion. Even though I managed to sleep through the entire night, in the morning my body was covered in cold sweat and the feeling of exhaustion lingered on me still. The soldier was standing next to the door, silently watching me. Without a word, I got up and went straight to the bathroom. There finally I was alone. The quick shower helped me at least freshen up a little bit. Afterwards, still wrapped in a towel I headed back to the bedroom, Soldier´s eyes observed my every move as soon as the door opened.

 

 _“Can you get me some clean clothes please?”_ I asked him.

 

 _“Yes, of course.”_ He tried very hard to maintain an unreadable expression, but it was pretty clear that he would have preferred my current attire.

 

After he left the room I ran my hand through my wet hair and sighed. My sulking session was interrupted when my senses took over me and I snapped my head back to see an upcoming attack. Apparently, Steve was adamant about his vow to kill me, but to his great disadvantage, my fighting abilities weren´t diminished during my capture. He tried to throw me on the wall, but soon he found himself being the one with the back pressed on the wall.

 

 _“You should work on your stealth if you want to have a chance.”_ I snickered.

 

In that exact moment, he pulled a gun from his trousers. _Fuck, I didn´t see that coming._ My smug faded away rather quickly.

 

 _“Finally, you shut up for once.”_ His voice was trembling with anger.

 

The one thing he didn´t take into account was my current mental state. I was now prone to do reckless decisions without any real consideration about my future. So, my body moved forward. One step, two steps… Partly, I expected him to put a bullet in my brain in the second my feet moved, but he hesitated. That gave me confidence. Now, my forehead was pressed against his gun.

_“You know… if you pull that trigger you will kill me, but also you will kill your relationship with Soldier. Do you think that he would forgive you? He knows best that you can´t disobey an order, not when they know how to manipulate you. If the girl was precious to you, you shouldn´t have let her go out of your sight.”_ My voice remained calm and quiet.

 

His expression changed. I always knew where to strike. His determination started to crumble.

 

 _“You have no heart.”_ Steve exclaimed with a sad voice.

_“And no soul and no memories, but I still have my brain. At least some part of it.”_

 

The noise by the door disturbed our little chat.

 

 _“Steve? Calm down, put the gun away, please.”_ Winter Soldier sad slowly.

 

Both men were now staring at each other. Then, the gun was finally removed from my forehead as Captain America quickly exited the room without a word.

 

 _“(Y/N)? Are you alright?”_ Bucky was instantly by my side.

 

_“Yeah… but you should probably go and see your friend. He is not okay, I said some pretty hurtful things to him.”_

_“He was pointing a gun at you. I will deal with him later.”_ He refused.

 

I couldn´t understand, why he cares so much about me? From what I remember, I was a bad person. Steve wasn´t wrong, my heart probably left me a long time ago, so why Bucky cares?

 

 _“Why… why it matters to you? Why my life matters to you?”_ I asked dryly.

 

 _“I told you already, there was something between us.”_ He replied confused.

 

_“But why would you be interested in such a horrible person as me?”_

_“You are not a horrible person. Our lives are … complicated, but I know that you always tried to maintain some balance. Even now you the took blame for Sharon´s death. It´s just now, you only remember the outcomes, the lives you´ve taken, the decisions you made… and the thing that is lacking is the knowledge and reasoning why you did what you did. It can be overwhelming, but once you remember, it will get better, I´m sure.”_ He continued.

 

My next action came as a complete surprise even to me. Without a word, my body moved and suddenly I found myself hugging the man beside me. He was right, I wasn´t scared of being shot, I was scared that I will forever feel the way I felt in this moment. There is not a scarier thing than the hate I harboured toward myself right now.

    His hands wrapped around me tightly.

_“I will never leave your side so don´t be scared.”_ Soldier whispered.

 

 _“Promise?”_ I asked.

 

 _“Promise. You once told me that our relationship is like driving a car with no breaks and no steering wheel while the car is on fire and there is a cliff 20 meters ahead. I knew what I was signing up for.”_ He chuckled.

 

    … The perfect morning, me and Bucky in bed laughing while discussing our future…

 

_Yeah, I remembered._

 

* * *

 

A/N

 

Happy New Year guys! This chapter is a little bit shorter, but I wanted to make a solo chapter about reader regaining her memories. I promise that in the next one we will finally move on in the story a little bit.

 

P.S. Sorry Steve, but you used to be pretty merciless toward reader too.


	23. The calm before the storm

_I remembered…_

 

First, it was slow, like a stream of a small river, then the floodgates opened and I remained overwhelmed by that experience. My past, my memories finally returning to me. The bad, the worse and also the good ones. I didn´t even register when Bucky shook my shoulder, trying to find out what was happening. At last, my focus returned back to the reality.

 

 _“James?”_ Was my first word.

 

 _“(Y/N), are alright? What´s happening? Should I call someone?”_ His voice sounded so scared.

 

Instead of a reply I grabbed his head and kissed him. First, he was taken aback by my sudden action but soon he relaxed and his hand found its way around my waist as he pulled me closer. If it was just up to me, we would stay there forever, but there was a mess that we needed to clean up.

 

 _“James…”_ I murmured still in his hold. _“…we have to stop them.”_

 

 _“It can wait for another five minutes.”_ He refused.

 

 _“People are dying and partially it´s still my fault. Please.”_ I pleaded.

 

 _“Never say that again, it was them, not you.”_ Bucky retorted.

 

 _“We should call for another meeting.”_ It was probably pointless to fight him on that subject.

_“Alright. But promise me something. When this is all over, we will go away, somewhere when no one knows Avengers or Hydra…”_ With that, he finally let go of me.

 

 _“So, are we going to become two hermits on some deserted island?”_ I joked.

 

 _“Why not? You will hunt and I will cook.”_ The Soldier smiled while reminding me that I´m still somewhat lacking in those life-skills.

_“We have to save the world first.”_

 

\---

 

It took only an hour to assemble another emergency meeting. Some of the Avengers seemed to be put at ease when they found out that I regained my memories. The first thing I had to do was to contact HYDRA. Of course, while I was brainwashed and used as a puppet in Baal´s and Loki´s grand scheme HYDRA deposed me of my title of the director. To my great relieve I found out that the new main head was one of my allies, Lady Boleyn. She was forty-something English lady, no assassin, but a diplomat and one of the most capable women in the world. There probably wasn´t a high-ranking politician or entrepreneur who hadn´t owe her a favour, still, she always operated from the shadows, granting opportunities or taking them away as quickly. I could see why they picked her. They needed a diplomat right now instead of a killer. I was pleased when she informed me that one of my last commands to continue research on The Sickness wasn´t completely fruitless, apparently, our scientists were only weeks maybe days from a major break-through. Luckily, I kept the vile with the antidote that was injected into Bucky and Avengers agreed to send it away to our research facility to speed up the process. One remaining drop might provide the necessary push. There was only one last question. What to do with Baal and Loki? Until the cure is distributed to the rest of the team the only safe option was to send me and Bucky to finish them. The odds weren´t really in our favour.

_“There is a small chance that I would be able to take Loki out…”_ I finally said.

 

 _“How?”_ Stark was standing, hands placed on the table.

 

 _“Before we escaped, he gave me one last order. To come back. Although I regained my memories, I´m still not able to disobey his command. Sooner or later I will have to go. But if we manage to break the power he now holds over me, that could give me an advantage. He is going to think he can still control me and I can use it to…”_ I looked over Thor _“… to get him out of the picture.”_

 

Beside me, Bucky froze a little bit after my revelation.

 

 _“No, you can´t go back to him. It´s too dangerous.”_ He objected.

 

 _“At least we would have a shot.”_ I tried to fight back.

 

 _“I agree.”_ Rogers said to the silence.

_“And what about Baal?”_ Black Widow joined the conversation.

 

 _“I suppose that he plans to move The Sickness soon and infected another realm. Given the hate he harbours towards Asgard, I suspect that is his next target. If we have the antidote soon enough, we can face him there. Our treasury must have something that would help us to defeat him.”_ Thor answered.

 

 _“This is not really a strategy. There are too many “What if´s”."_ Banner argued.

 

 _“There is no time, we have to act. Thor? How soon can you leave to start the preparation?”_ I asked.

_“Immediately.”_

_“Good. That leaves us with only one problem. How to break the mind control they hold over me?”_ I looked around the room for any ideas.

 

 _“Human brain is sometimes compared to the computer. We can try to reboot the system. Plainly speaking, overwhelmed it to the point it shuts itself and then reloads to the normal state. There is no guarantee it will work but we can try it nevertheless.”_ Banner was the one to spoke.

 

Stark quickly picked on that and they started to discuss their ideas, most of their communication was in terms a person without a degree from their respective fields couldn´t even spell. Slowly, I spaced out, but then Bucky grabbed my hand and forced me to look at him.

 

 _“Are you sure about this?”_ He asked.

 

 _“Yes, we have to do something. That way we at least have a chance.”_ Suddenly, I felt very tired again.

 

 _“I will be with you till the end of the line, don´t worry.”_ James offered an encouraging smile.

 

 _“Let´s hope that it´s just a finish line, not the line you get on the cardiac monitor_.” I tried to smile back.

 

After the meeting, everyone dispersed. Bucky went after Steve and I decided to seek out Thor.

 

 _“Lady (Y/N), is everything alright?”_ He asked as I approached him.

 

_“Yes… I just have a question. But please, don´t talk about it with anyone. Especially not with Bucky.”_

_“Of course.”_ He nodded.

 

 _“While your brother kept me, he called me Sigyn. Does it have any meaning?”_ Finally, I was about to get the answer on a question that was bothering me for a while.

 

 _“He called you that?”_ Thor looked surprised and also a little bit troubled.

 

_“Yes.”_

_“Well, my brother once acquired a prophecy about his own fate. It is said that he will be chained and the serpent will be placed over his head. The snake's venom will slowly drip on him, causing him unimaginable pain. But there also will be his wife, Sigyn, she is the one who will hold a bowl over him, protecting him from the agony. He must think it´s you.”_ Thor concluded.

 

_“If there is a part for me in that story, I would be the one to bound him down.”_

_“Naturally, he must have been mistaken. You are a brave warrior Lady (Y/N), he probably recognised that.”_

_“Anything else I should now?”_ My eyes were searching for something Thor was clearly hiding from me.

 

 _“No… there is nothing to be worried about. If you excuse me, I have to depart to Asgard shortly.”_ With a nod, he quickly strode away.

 

I didn´t know that was still possible, but our little chat upset me even more. Only thing was sure now, the shit is going to go down.

 

* * *

 

Hello dear readers!

We are slowly approaching the end, but still, there is a lot of action ahead. I hope that you are all doing great.

 

P.S. I also started another fic, this time Reader/Loki so if you are interested, be sure to check that out on my profile.

 

P.P.S. I hope no one will be upset over my loose adaptation of the Norse mythology in this chapter.

 

XOXO


	24. Sweeter than sweet

While Stark and Banner worked on how to free me from the mind control Loki and Baal hold over me I found myself with a little spare time. How to spend these hours was a problem that bothered me immensely. Normally, I would train a little bit before the mission, prepare for what was about to come, but now? I might need to prepare for scenarios I refused to even imagine. Silent knock on the door erased my troubled thoughts.

 

 

_“I just came to check up on you.”_ Bucky´s head popped up in the door frame.

 

 

_“I´m fine, don´t worry. Everything will be soon over.”_ These lies rolled off my tongue without a shudder.

 

 

_“Hmm… maybe you need some distraction. All we can do now is to wait.”_ James clearly saw pass my charade.

 

 

_“What you are suggesting? Do you want to steal one of Tony´s baguettes? Just like old times?”_ This memory brought a faint smile to my lips.

 

 

_“No, let´s go out. Away from here, even though if it´s only for a few hours.”_ He slipped into the room.

 

 

_“And you think that´s a good idea? You are growing reckless with age, Soldier.”_ I smirked.

 

 

_“It will do good for both of us. Steve is still… very much unpredictable right now. And since we don´t have anything better to do, I thought I can take you to that date I promised.”_ His boyish smile started to lift up my spirits.

 

 

_“That spells trouble. I like it.”_ Maybe it was a good idea, to disappear even if it was just for a few hours. At least that way I wouldn´t be a prisoner of my mind.

 

 

_“I knew you will be easily seduced by some mischief. But don´t worry, I asked for permission and we are clear. So, suit up, darling.”_ He passed me a jacket.

 

 

_“Where are you taking me? Bingo? Or are we going to feed the ducks? I have no idea what an old fart like you prefers to do in his spare time.”_

_“I´m very glad that you haven´t lost your cheeky tongue, kiddo. I will take you to one of my most favourite places in the world.”_ Silent agreement between us now was that our problems don´t exist, at least this afternoon.

 

 

_“If it´s gym, you are going to get destroyed.”_ Laughing, we both exited my bedroom and proceeded outside.

 

 

It took us about an hour to fly to the destination Winter soldier had in mind. Our ride generously provided by Stark himself.

 

_“Coney Island? Really? Can this be any more cliché?”_ As soon as we landed I looked around my surroundings.

 

 

_“Come on. It´s classic.”_ James took my hand and dragged me further into the park.

 

 

Normally, this place would be crowded, but since The Sickness outspread and most of the towns were evacuated it was eerily silent and empty. For a moment, my thoughts wandered to the reality. People were dying, the battle was not over and we are fooling around in the abandoned amusement park. Bucky caught a glimpse of my troubled features and tightened the hold on my hand in response.

 

_“Don´t. There is nothing we can do now, just wait. After this all is over, I will take you here again. If you behave you might even get an ice cream.”_ He said.

 

 

_“Alright. I´m sorry. How about you tell me why do you like this place so much? It will surely be a hell of a cheesy story.”_ My hand crawled around his waist and my head rested on his arm.

 

 

Without objections, he shared his stories as we slowly strolled around. He told me about his childhood and his upbringing. He also talked about Steve and their friendship and their many adventures. Purposely, we both evaded the subject of the war and focused on the happy memories only. When we reached the beach Bucky suddenly stopped.

 

 

_“How about a dance?”_ He offered.

 

_“No way. I thought you would by now know that this is not really a skill acquired in assassin training.”_ One of my eyebrows raised, amused by his question.

 

 

_“If I remember correctly, while you still pretended to be just a maid you asked me to go dance to lure me out of the compound? How was that supposed to play out?”_ Bucky refused my dismissal.

 

_“That was one and only fatal flaw of my otherwise perfect plan. You would probably see right through me.”_ His hands shifted me to a position as he started slowly step from side to side.

 

 

_“See? You will at least learn something today. After this is all over, I will teach you much more complicated routine.”_ James said with a grin.

 

 

_“You really like to talk about the future today, don´t you? What else do you have in store for me? If you are going to send to some cooking camp, I will kill you.”_ My feet awkwardly followed his steps.

 

 

_“I was thinking about it. I would like to buy an apartment in the city, where we could spend days doing nothing, ordering food and catching up on the movies of the last fifty years.”_

_“Are you inviting me to live with you?”_ I held his gaze.

 

 

_“Yes, I think I´m old enough to finally settle for one girl only.”_ He teased.

 

 

_“But what would your neighbours say about an unmarried couple living together. Such an indecency. I won't be able to find a decent match after that.”_ The fact he was a man from a different era always worked when I needed something to make fun of.

 

 

_“About that…”_ Bucky suddenly interrupted our little dance and looked at me.

 

 

For a moment I was confused but then It hit me.

 

 

_“Don´t you even think about it!”_ I said panicking.

 

 

_“Got ya!”_ He suddenly started to laugh. _“I was pretty sure you would flip out if I pop the question. So instead, the proposal is to live together… as a start. And don´t worry, if anyone dares to bring up your honour I will be there to defend it.”_

 

 

_“You almost gave my heart attack Barnes!”_ I slapped him across the chest, but after that, my hands found their way around his waist again.

 

 

It was nice to think about it, to imagine it as a possibility. But deep down I wondered if James knows the truth. If he admits it somewhere deep down. Even if we win against Baal and Loki and somehow, I dodge being held responsible for all this mess, there still will be the problem with HYDRA. I was compromised. In their eyes, my existence already outlived my usefulness. My friends there might provide me with a head start, but they will come after me sooner or later. To run or die, these will be my possibilities. But for this moment, I forced these thoughts out of my mind. This was the moment I should remember, untainted by anything else.

 

 

As the sun went down, we had to depart back. Stark and Banner already prepared the whole procedure, the only thing missing was me. If it works, Bucky will be next and finally, we will be free of the mind control. Since I had to be unconscious for the procedure there was nothing to worry about. When I woke up a few hours later in the bed, my head was throbbing with pain but otherwise, everything seemed fine.

 

 

_“(L/N)? Can you follow my fingers?”_ Banner started the examination immediately. _“How about Loki´s order, do you still feel the need to obey.”_

 

 

I had to focus on my mind, but I was pleasantly surprised that the previous pull that was forcing me to come back to Loki was gone.

 

 

_“It worked!”_ I exclaimed happily.

 

_“Amazing. You should rest a little bit before you head for your mission.”_ Stark was apparently pleased with the outcome. Or with himself. Or both.

 

 

Bucky was silently sitting next to me, a crease on his forehead. _“Are you sure about it?”_ He asked.

 

 

_“Yes, stop worrying. Wrinkles will catch up with your real age.”_

 

_“Fine. Sleep a little bit.”_ He concluded.

 

 

I woke up in the morning, feeling a lot better. It was a time for me to leave for the mission. I geared up and went to the conference room to go through the plan one last time. The only person escorting me to the car was James, rest of the Avengers were too busy with other assignments.

 

 

_“Promise me that you will take care of yourself.”_ James took my hand in his.

 

 

_“Promise me that you won´t worry too much. I told you, wrinkles don´t suit you, no one wants an old boyfriend unless he is insanely rich.”_ A smile appeared on my face.

 

 

Instead of an answer, he pulled me into a tight embrace followed by a kiss. When our lips parted I held his head close as I whispered a quick _“I love you.”_ into his ear. First, Bucky was probably shocked and when he finally regained his ability to speak I interrupted him before he could.

 

_“Don´t. You will tell me when we see each other next time.”_

 

* * *

 

 

A/N

Hello, my dear readers!

Long time no see. I´m so sorry. I couldn´t help myself but put a fluff chapter before the last big action. Hope that you will bear with me just a little longer after this sugar-coated chapter. Stay tuned


	25. The battle

After our farewell, I took Stark´s supercar and hit the road. Stark will be probably pissed off that I stole his precious vehicle, even more so than he was about his stupid baguette. This thought amused me for a little bit. The roads were all deserted, there was no need to obey speed limits. Still, it took me about ten hours to arrive at my final destination. During the trip I had time to think about my plan, I had 48 hours. If I fail, Avengers will come and face Loki directly, it was our last desperate plan how to stop the raven-haired god. My chances were rather slim, but at least I had to try. After arriving at the base, I left the car outside and head inside. Guards didn´t try to stop me, they only took all of my weapons and silently followed me, but it was clear that they are ready to step in immediately if I misbehave. Finding Loki wasn´t hard at all, I stepped into the room, waiting for him to say something.

 

_“So, the traitor finally returns? I was thinking how long it would take till you can´t resist disobeying my order. That also means my brother´s squad will be arriving soon. It doesn´t matter anyway, I prepared a proper welcome for them.”_ He looked up to meet my eyes.

 

_“I was just missing you so much.”_ My tone was as sarcastic as possible.

 

_“I was really disappointed, you apparently can´t learn from your past mistakes. This pathetic feeling you harbour for that broken being. I hope you enjoyed your little getaway, it was the last one.”_ Loki took a step towards me.

 

_“How about your past mistakes? Haven´t you learned anything? No matter what you do, you always go down.”_

_“And if I can go down, you will go with me. Never mind, you are back. I´m thinking about erasing your memories again, but… no. I want you to fully comprehend your future actions, it will be much more enjoyable. Now, kneel.”_

 

I knew I have to obey his request if I want to keep up the appearance that he still has control over me, but the very idea twisted my stomach. With jaws tightly clenched, I slowly got down on my knees. There was no chance I could kill him now, without weapons and armed guards behind my back.

 

A vile smile stretched across Loki´s face. He closed the distance between us and forced my chin up to look at him again. _“Listen to me carefully, my next order is rather simple. When your precious Avengers arrives, and I know they will, you are going to kill the Winter Soldier. Make it as painful as possible, I love to watch a good fight.”_

 

I inhaled sharply. _“Why are you doing this? Why are you siding with Baal?”_

 

_“Is there any reason why should I explain myself to you? No, I don´t think so. You are nothing but a mere tool to me now. The Sickness is an amazing weapon, you would never have the guts to use it.”_ Loki let go of my chin and withdraw himself to the chair nearby.

 

_“Is it though? It was rather simple for you to create an antidote.”_ I tried my luck to force some information out of him.

 

_“Yes, that´s true. But still, it is not a cure. Once you are infected, you are dead. Antidote only works if you have it in your bloodstream before you contract The sickness. The losses will be massive on every world where it spreads. But rest assured, that is not our endgame, more like a prelude. If you are lucky, you will be able to see what you made possible.”_

 

The fact that I couldn´t see the bigger picture bothered me immensely. They are using The sickness to kill millions but to what end? We were missing a crucial piece of the puzzle here. It hit me how unprepared we are.

 

_“I´m tired of your games.”_

_“I can see that. Earlier I thought you might be the one who would be able to play alongside me, but I was wrong. You are nothing more than an oblivious pawn on the chess-board you can´t ever understand. You will kneel here until I say you can get up, that should teach you a lesson about your position.”_ Without any other word, he quickly exited the room.

 

That didn´t go as well as planned. I hoped he would still be on the disillusion that I´m his Sigyn or whatever. My legs were killing me and it only got worse as minutes became hours. If I stand up, he will know that I can disobey him, if I stay I won´t be able to get rid of him. Either way, it was becoming apparent that I won´t be able to fulfill my mission. After the whole eternity, Loki finally came back only to instruct me to get ready. His guards provided me with a gear. I was waiting for an opening where I could attack, but we were constantly separated by the guards and he also kept the distance. _Fuck. I failed, miserably._

 

_“Our guests are arriving. Let´s meet them. And don´t forget about your orders, besides that, your priority is to protect me, understood?”_

_“Yes.”_ I grind out.

 

The number of Loki´s soldiers baffled me. It was not even a half of what me and James predicted, nevertheless, all of them armed with alien tech. Maybe there is still chance. If I get close enough to Loki during the battle… Unfortunately, Avengers had to split the forces. Thor, Hulk, and Vision left to deal with Baal. It will be a close call, but maybe we can pull this off. The fight broke out inside the compound and I almost immediately understood what was this “surprise” Loki was talking about. His soldiers weren´t normal soldiers, but rather a small unit of super-soldiers. Just how exactly were they able to crack down the formula was beyond me.

 

Loki smirked a few meters away from me. _“Impressed? Unfortunately, their bodies can´t withstand our serum for very long, but it should be enough to ensure the victory.”_

 

This was bad, very bad.

 

Bucky was nowhere to be seen, so I focused on the task at hand. Moving closer to the dark-haired god and striking him down. But today, luck wasn´t on my side. We were constantly getting more and more separated. Avengers were overwhelmed by Loki´s force, Starks iron suits falling one by one. Loki was fighting with the Black widow, easily keeping her at bay. But then, suddenly, he struck her across the head with his weapon, successfully knocking Natasha unconscious. Right before he could deliver a final blow Bucky jumped in between them, stopping Loki with his metal arm. The blood froze in my veins. If we want to keep up the charade, James knows he can´t disobey Loki. I hoped he would go with Thor to avoid this situation, or that I would kill the Trickster before the battle even begins. I could hear Loki scream at James to stand down, which he did. I prayed he won´t kill him right on the spot, my only hopes now rode on Loki´s twisted mind.

 

_“(Y/N), come here!”_ He called out to me.

 

As I was clearing my way I was thinking. This was probably the last chance to take Loki out, if I miss this chance we are all going to die. The dark-haired god ordered James to get on the knees, right in front of him.

 

_“Kill him.”_ He ordered.

 

I looked at James as I aimed my gun at his head. It was now or never. Right before I pulled the trigger, I elevated the gun shooting Loki right in the middle of his chest. The smug smile was still plastered on his face, but his eyes widened in surprise. He fell backwards on the ground. I helped James back to his feet, the fight wasn´t over yet. Natasha was out, only handful of Stark´s tech was still functioning, Scarlet witch was surrounded, Captain was barely holding up…

 

_“We are not going to make it.”_ I said without looking at Bucky.

 

_“The mission was never to survive, but to get rid of him.”_ James pointed at Loki´s body.

 

_“I´m sorry, it´s all my fault. I thought I will be able to take him out before you arrive.”_

 

There was no end to the battle. I was covered in cuts and bruises, shot at least three times, no hits to the vitals, but even with the serum, I knew I won´t be able to keep up much longer. Blood loss is a bitch. Then, the soldier I was currently battling suddenly went to the ground. His body visibly in agony. Slowly, the number of enemies started to decrease. There was no more strength in my arms anymore, not even to aim the gun. I looked around myself. Ironman and James were the only ones left standing, but it was over.

 

_“Steve?”_ Bucky stumbled to one of the bodies lying on the ground.

 

It was too far away for me to see or hear clearly what was happening. With my last strength I moved closer only to see Captain whispering something into Bucky´s ear, his body full of gunshots, then he stopped moving altogether. He was dead.

 

* * *

 

A/N

 

OMG, this was probably the hardest chapter to write so far. There are still questions which need to be addressed in the next chapter, but we are almost at the end. As for Loki´s fate… well… what do you think?


	26. Excommunicado

I was still kneeling on the ground, unable to move. We managed to take Loki out, but the price was too high. _If I only managed to kill Loki before the battle even began…_ , everything would be different, once again, all of the mess was on me. I didn´t even dare to approach James right now, so instead, I crawled to Natasha´s unconscious body. She was clearly starting to wake up, so I helped her to sit.

 

_“What happened?”_ Black widow was clenching her forehead to chase away a headache.

 

_“It´s over.”_ I simply said.

 

After that, she looked around, only to see the remaining Avengers. Her eyes widened as her gaze fell on Bucky and Steve. It was almost painful to watch as she mustered all of her remaining strength to head towards them. Alone again, my body started to give in to the blood loss, _well… maybe it would be for the best…no witnesses to this pitiful end_. Slowly, the vision grew hazier and darker, until it was gone completely.

 

\---

 

This time I really thought it´s over, but that would apparently be the easy way out. When I opened my eyes, once again I found myself in a white room with beeping monitors surrounding me. Ignoring the pain, I slowly sat and started to pull all of the needles from my arms, when nothing was holding me back, my feet touched the cold floor. With a huff of pain, I moved to the doors and soon, it became clear that I was back in the Avengers´ compound. My steps echoed through deserted corridors in a search for someone. Then finally, I heard voices coming out of the conference room. As I cracked the door open, I could see most of the Avengers, Lady Boleyn, other HYDRA higher ups and bunch of people I didn´t recognize. As soon as my head poked through, all of the voices went silent.

 

_“Hydra…”_ Stark took the lead.

 

_“I can wait outside.”_ My eyes darted from Iron man to the new HYDRA´s director.

_“That won´t be necessary, you can sit.”_ Lady B said authoritatively.

 

Without any other words, I took one of the free chairs.

 

_“As I was saying, we were unable to catch Baal. He managed to spread The sickness on several planets before we could deliver the antidote to them and then vanished. Loses are already astronomical and the universe is once again plunged into a chaos.”_ Banner obviously resumed his previous report.

 

_“But without Baal´s testimony, we are still unable to figure out why he decided to infect half of the universe with The sickness and run.”_ Thor took the word after Banner.

 

_“If I may…”_ All of the eyes were suddenly on me. _“Loki said that The sickness is rather a mere tool. His and Baal´s objective never was just to kill, that was just a start.”_ I stated.

 

_“That sounds troubling.”_ Lady Boleyn was now impatiently tapping on the table before her.

 

_“Without Loki or Baal, there is only a slim chance that we will ever find out their true goal. At least not until Baal resurfaces again and that could take years.”_ Thor´s brows were knitted together.

 

_“The best thing we can do now is to be prepared for the worst.”_ Stark concluded. _“I hope we can count on your cooperation.”_ He then looked at Lady B.

 

_“My enemy´s enemy is my friend. As long as we face the global threat I think our best chance is to work together as we agreed earlier.”_ She confirmed.

 

_“And what about Loki?”_ James suddenly stepped into the conversation.

 

_“My brother is still on the brink of death. If he recovers, he will be questioned and we will deal with him accordingly to Asgard´s law.”_ Thor answered.

 

_“That bastard is alive?”_ I almost lounged from the chair I was sitting on.

_“Loki is in a deep coma now, it is uncertain if he ever regains consciousness again.”_ Thor was clearly a little bit annoyed with the choice of my words.

 

_“You are too biased in this, we all know how you will “deal” with him. As soon as he opens his eyes you will forgive him everything. He deserves to die, no…He must die.”_ The anger in me was reaching a boiling point.

 

_“He has his… faults, but if he wakes up, he could prove himself as a priceless source of information.”_ Thor too was ready to stand up to defend his treacherous brother.

 

_“So, what did we actually manage? Bad guys are alive and we will just sit around and wait for the ball to drop?”_ It took everything in my power to keep my voice down.

 

_“We lost, that´s what happened. The only thing we managed was to prevent the imminent threat, but this fight is far from over.”_ Banner said before anyone else could respond.

 

_“Next time, we can´t afford to repeat our mistakes, we have to be ready. There is nothing else we can do at this moment.”_ Stark concluded.

 

I was ready to counter his words, but he simply held his hand up to stop me. _“That´s all for now. I think we all should rest a little bit and then get back to the work.”_

 

With his last sentence, the meeting officially ended. Before I could storm out of the room, Lady Boleyn waved at me. _“We need to have a word.”_

 

The rest of people left, leaving me with Lady B alone.

_“I understand that you are upset after all this is your first failed mission.”_ She started.

 

_“I suspect this conversation is not going to be about my hurt feelings.”_ I cut her off, already tired of the bullshit. Deep down, I knew what was coming, I saw it heading my way a long time ago.

 

_“After a careful consideration, HYDRA decided to completely terminate your father´s research.”_ Lady B stated carefully.

 

_“Which means to terminate me.”_

_“Please, don´t take it personally, but with the fiasco you caused, that is the most reasonable choice. You know too much to be left to roam freely and board also thinks that if the connection between you and The sickness becomes known, it would be for the best to distance ourselves from all of it.”_ She explained.

 

_“The thing with Baal is not over yet. I can still fight.”_ I opposed.

 

_“Pardon me, but we are no longer fighting just Avengers. Monsters lurking out in the universe are far more dangerous and powerful than we could ever imagine. It is estimated that one super soldier wouldn´t really mean a difference in that scale. It is my opinion, we have to lead HYDRA to the new era, with new ways how to protect ourselves. Your official charges are as followed: Collaboration with an enemy, disobeying direct orders, the murder of the previous head and failing at successful completion of a mission.”_ Lady B was completely calm, which couldn´t be said about me at all.

 

_“Bullshit. You were among the people who backed me up when it was time to remove Anthony. I always did what was best for HYDRA, you just need someone to take the blame for the mess.”_ I was pretty sure if looks could kill she would drop dead.

_“If you see it that way, you can take this as your final sacrifice for our goals.”_ She concluded.

 

_“What about Winter soldier?”_ Suddenly a fear clenched my heart.

_“I see, the rumours are true then. Well, he is about to assume the role of the new Captain America. Mr. Stark debriefed us how he and Mr. Banner were able to break the mind control Loki and Baal imposed on both of you, therefore The chair is officially out of question. We now have a fragile peace between our two groups, so with that said, he is not in imminent danger since he currently belongs to them.”_

 

I immediately felt a little bit relieved,… _at least he is safe._

 

_“I am truly sorry it has to end up like this. Out of the respect, I´m giving you 72 hours to settle your affairs, after that the corresponding commands will be issued.”_ Lady Boleyn stood up.

 

_“Spare me, you just threw me under the bus. You are holding the sword which is about to cut my head off my neck.”_ I snickered.

 

_“Cut one head, two more will take its place.”_ With that, she left.

 

_I couldn´t believe that, I refused to believe that._ The bad guys won, Loki and Baal both alive, whatever master plan they hatched in their twisted minds still in motion. I knew I can´t afford to die, not yet. But basically, I received a death sentence with no chance for an appeal.

 

* * *

 

A/N

Hello, dear readers.

I know… not really a victory, right? But in a real life bad guys can often win or go unpunished, so I decided to do a little bit more realistic approach in this story. Also, I would like to keep the end of the fic sort of open for a possible sequel since I think the next chapter will be the last one. As always, share your opinions and questions, I hoped I covered most of the unanswered questions.

 

P.S. Points for those of you who can appreciate the pun with Lady Boleyn:P.

 

XOXO


	27. Another day, another fight

A/N There will be a teeny tiny spoiler for Infinity wars, so beware if you haven´t seen it yet.

 

* * *

 

For another few minutes, I just sat on the chair, trying to absorb everything that had happened. _Only 72 hours, three days…_ Not enough time to completely heal all of my injuries, not enough time to make a solid plan. With a sigh, I stood up and headed back to the corridor, then, to my surprise, I saw a man leaning against the wall behind the door.

 

_“James…”_ For once, I didn´t know what to say. His expression was unreadable.

 

_“What did she want?”_ He straightened up and folded his arms against his chest.

 

_“She… just debriefed me about a new mission.”_ I wasn´t ready to tell him that the mission was my elimination, not until I figure out what to do.

 

_“So… you are going back to HYDRA? After all what happened_?” Bucky´s expression darkened a little bit.

 

_“It´s not that easy, please… can we talk later? Maybe somewhere else?”_ I tried with a pleading voice.

 

Without an answer, he turned around and went away. Now, it was my turn to press my back against the wall. Slowly, I went down, unable to stand any longer.

 

_“Hydra? Are you alright?”_ Voice sounded next to me.

 

_“Stark? Yes, yes… of course.”_ Hurriedly, I stood up again, trying to mask any discomfort.

 

_“How could you infiltrate Avengers when you are such a bad liar… Did something happen between you and Barnes?”_ He guessed.

 

_“Well, I´m partially responsible for a death of his best friend, but that´s not the whole problem.”_ For some reason, I suddenly felt like confiding into someone.

_“For what is worth, I don´t think he will ever hold you responsible for it and neither will I. So, what is the second problem?”_

_“HYDRA. They already decided my punishment.”_

_“Which is…? You have to clean toilets for a year?”_ Stark joked.

 

_“Let´s say they fired me. Which means after 72 hours, they will send their killers to dispose of me. Apparently, I became too big of a trouble for them.”_ I said with a bitter chuckle.

_“What? They would kill their last super-soldier?”_ Iron man was clearly shocked.

 

_“Yeah… Finally, you will get rid of me and your baguettes will be safe again.”_ I tried to lighten up a little bit with a joke.

 

_“You can stay here, they won´t try anything…”_ He started.

 

_“Stop… Even a bad liar like me managed to infiltrate this facility, besides, there is a very fragile peace between you and HYDRA now, this could greatly affect it. If you hide me, they will get pissed and if they kill me here, James might go berserk on them. And of course, I can´t stay here, hidden inside for years to come, it would make me go crazy. I have to face the consequences but don´t worry, I won´t go down without a fight.”_

_“Are you sure? Last time when there was a possibility you would have to run away from HYDRA, you rather went with Baal.”_ Stark retorted.

 

_“Yes, last time there was at least another option, moreover I was completely unprepared to face HYDRA. But I learned my lesson, when I was acting as a director, I managed to transfer quite a nice sum of money to different accounts around the world and secure some safe locations which are not connected to HYDRA.”_

_“Do you need any help?”_ He offered.

_“I… I need you to take care of James. Keep him safe. I know there is a bad history between you two, but now he has no one else but Avengers.”_ I asked.

_“I know, we will manage… Well, I guess this a goodbye then.”_

_“I guess so. Thank you.”_ I extended my hand to shake his.

 

After that, we both went our separate ways. There was still something I wanted to do for James.

 

 

 

It took me almost the whole day, but when I was ready I asked Stark for the jet and then called James. He didn´t question the destination we were heading to and when we landed in NY, it was night already. During the trip, we barely spoke any words to each other, which only made me so much more nervous. In complete silence, he followed me to one of the buildings and up to the last floor. Finally, when I opened the door to the apartment, he spoke.

 

_“What is this?”_ His gaze questioning.

 

_“Your new home. I wanted to give you something. If there was more time, I would definitely put more effort in it, but…”_ I left the end of the sentence unfinished.

 

_“My new home? What are you talking about?”_ James only seemed more confused.

 

_“Since the 40´s you didn´t have any proper place to call home. I tried to furnish it to your likings but many things are yet to be delivered.”_ I explained.

 

Bucky took two steps towards me. _“What are you not telling me?”_

 

I closed the door and turned around to face him again.

 

_“I am leaving and I don´t know when I will be able to return or if I ever return.”_

 

His expression changed instantly from a distant and cold to a worried one.

_“What are you talking about?”_ He asked.

_“The mission I told you about. Well, it´s not my mission, I am the mission. HYDRA decided to kill me off. I have 72 hours… now about 40 to settle my life and then they will send my executioners. I have to run James, fast and as far as possible.”_ It seemed the weight I was carrying has now fallen on Bucky.

 

_“You don´t have to run, I will protect you. Or I will go with you.”_ He took my hands in his.

 

_“No… you have to stay, you have to become the new Captain America. HYDRA won´t bother you again, but you can´t antagonize them now when there is a peace. You are safe and that´s what matters the most. Don´t worry about me, I will do whatever takes necessary to survive and that´s something you don´t need to see. I will run and kill and maybe if I kill everyone they send after me, they will eventually throw the towel in the ring.”_ I squeezed his hands.

_“That could take years!”_ He let go of me, clutching his forehead while he thought of a different way out of this.

 

_“That is also why I want you to promise me something. If… during that time… If you meet someone else, someone who´s really worth it, I don´t want you to let them slip away just for me.”_ Words on my tongue were like a bitter pill. _“Your happiness is everything to me, I never thought anyone would ever mean that much to me, but you are. So please, promise me that you will try to be happy, that you will again be the cheeky and flirty James Barnes from the 40´s.”_

 

_“I…”_ Instead of finishing the sentence, he pulled me onto his chest while his hand slipped into my hair.

 

There were no words spoken for a while, only us, standing in the half-furnished living room in a tight embrace. If it would be up to me, we would spend the whole eternity like this, but of course, that wasn´t the case.

 

_“So… 40 hours, huh?”_ He broke the silence. _“What do you want to do?”_

_“I don´t know… we can´t fit the whole life in only 40 hours… but can we at least try? Can we pretend that we are a normal couple living in the city? Watch a movie, order takeout, go dancing…”_ There really wasn´t anything I wouldn´t like to do without James. I wanted some memories, memories of an ordinary life, which would keep me going in the years to come.

 

_“Whatever you like.”_

 

Without any doubt, the next two days were the happiest in my whole life. We both tried not to think about the deadline and simply enjoyed each other´s company. We binged watch a few movies, we went out to dance and to stroll around NY, we also picked some stuff for the apartment and then tried to assemble it. _Ikea versus two super soldiers: 1:0._ One of the rooms also needed a new paint, so we spend almost half of the afternoon painting on the walls and also, on each other. I probably never laughed so much, which only made the time to say goodbye that much more painful. My private jet was booked and ready. James wanted to go with me to the airport, but I convinced him otherwise. I knew that the minute my feet get on that plane I have to start killing. The captain, the crew, they all can, and probably are, already compromised. It has to be me to take the plane to a different location than planned and I didn´t want our last moments with James to be spoiled by that.

 

I put the bag next to the door.

_“Don´t forget what you promised.”_ I narrowed my eyes.

 

_“I know. Give me at least a number where can I contact you if the situation is dire.”_ He was standing in the living room, hands plunged into his pockets.

_“No, it´s not safe. But I promise I will always keep an eye on you.”_ I went back inside to pull him down for a kiss. _“And don´t do anything reckless, that´s an order, soldier.”_

_“Understood, madam.”_ He smiled.

 

_“That sounds like I am an old grandmother! But seriously James, keep yourself out of the trouble.”_ My lips curled into a smile too.

 

_“Don´t take too long.”_

 

As I was ready to close the door, I gave him one last glance. _“I love you.”_

 

_“I love you too.”_ He answered before the door closed.

 

On my way to the airport, I cried like a baby, but as soon as the car pulled up on the runway, I wiped away the tears. It was the time to become the monster again. That night, my fight began. For the first few weeks, I hid deep in the forests of Romania, before switching to China then Japan, then Chile, then Denmark, then Australia and many other countries... I was changing the location at least every month, but HYDRA was as persistent as ever. They were sending one killer after another, not only from their own ranks, but they also employed everyone they could get their hands on. Sometimes, I wasn´t able to fall asleep for the fear that someone would surprise me while I rest. In the first half of the year, the number of attacks was the highest. As months passed, they were getting more irregular but not any less dangerous. After about two years, there was one attempt every month or two and after another two years every four to six months. I made sure I never leaked any information or otherwise compromise HYDRA, just to prove that I can keep the silence. First, my paranoia prevented me from even speaking to strangers, but gradually I started to chat with the vendors and other sellers on the streets and in the shops. After five years, my loneliness began to drive me crazy, so I, from time to time, went to a bar to make some acquittances I would never meet again. Bars were the perfect place for me, strangers under the influence who are unlikely to remember anything the next morning. Another year rolled by and I found a part-time job in a small bar in Prague. My last kill was eleven months ago in Cambodia and I felt pretty relaxed now. Of course, I also kept an eye on James. During all those years, I only intervened once, when a word got to me that one of the best assassins in the world was sent to kill him. I managed to take him out on the rooftop opposite to the apartment I´ve bought for James. After the killing, I stayed for an hour just watching my soldier lounging in front of the TV. One part of me expected I would see some perfect model joining him on the sofa with a home cooked meal, but he only ordered pizza. That memory brought a smile to my lips while the door closed after the last customer in the small bar on the bank of Vltava river. As my hands counted today´s profit a weird feeling settled itself deep in my guts. Slowly, I went down to one knee to get the gun I kept hidden under the bar. My other hand wrapped itself around a heavy bottle of gin, which proved to be a good call as a dark figure moved behind one of the tables. I threw the gin and began to shoot. That bastard was quick as hell, dodging all of the bullets and the gin.

 

_“(Y/N), wait. It´s me.”_ Voice suddenly sounded from behind the furniture.

 

For a moment I thought it´s a trap. _“James?”_ As the figure came into a small light there was no doubt left. I dropped the gun.

 

As a flash, I crossed the distance between us while jumping in his arms. _“What are you doing here? How did you find me?”_

 

_“It took us several months but HYDRA also helped.”_ He started.

 

_“Wait, what? What is going on?”_ I asked, my smile dropping slightly.

 

_“We need you. We need everyone. There is a new enemy, his name is Thanos. Stark, Parker and Strange disappeared in the universe. Even HYDRA is afraid now. Boleyn told me to get you, they are willing to pardon you if you help us. Baal´s and Loki´s plan finally makes sense, they were trying to outrun him with a controlled genocide, so his hunt for the infinity stones would become absolutely meaningless. They just wanted to get an upper hand over Thanos, so they could decide who lives and who dies. Opposite to them, Thanos plans to wipe out half of the universe, but completely randomly.”_ He held me while explaining the situation.

 

_“You have to tell me everything you know so far.”_

_“Tomorrow morning, we have to board an airplane to the US. I will explain the rest on the way. But first…”_ Instead of finishing the sentence, he kissed me.

 

I tore away. _“So, you are telling me that if we manage to destroy this Thanos… there won´t be anything standing between us anymore?”_

 

_“Yes, it all ends with us stopping him.”_ He confirmed.

_“Well, it seems that we have some alien´s ass to kick.”_ I let go of him for a moment to grab my stuff and lock the bar, there still was a few hours before sunrise, so I took James up to my small apartment to catch up on all the time we lost the last six years. There was another fight ahead and I always knew that people like us live to fight, but the difference now was that we were no longer battling alone and without a reason, we were fighting for each other and that was definitely something worth fighting for.

 

* * *

 

A/N

 

My dear readers,

 

thank you all for reading this story and I really hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. As I said earlier, I may write a sequel in the future, but right now I want to focus a little bit on my other fic – Loki/Reader. I know this is not the best happy ending, but at least there is still some hope for it in the future:P.

 

Once again – Thank you all.

 

XOXO

 

P.S. I know I stretched a timeline a little bit, hopefully, it´s not too bothering.  


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